well spring is here, i think weather has been up and down lately. so i know i haven't been blogging as much, partially due to finding a healthy balance of daily activities and not obsessing about "what needs to be done" i do make postings on facebook so check it out. facebook.com i am about to try some new options to post on my blog from remote locations (ie: cell phone) so. that will allow for more communication. things continue to go well, and hope all is well with you.
nj
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
back from quarentine 05/12/09
hi everyone!! sorry not any posts for a while, but was quarantined for possible swine flu outbreak!!! lol, just kidding. just taking a lil break. trying to find the perfect balance in tasks, life, and commitment.
so i've started training at www.draganettis.com and i think it will be a great fit. will keep maintain kell container and the salon. this way i will stay out of trouble. so, while i didn't blog on here, i had some facebook postings i will share..
may 3:Nicholas Joseph Schneider "i like to let go what i cannot change, i like to forgive what i cannot change, i like to love what i cannot change.........
may 3: Nicholas Joseph Schneider the truth shall set you free.
may 7: Nicholas Joseph Schneider great first night at draganetti's. amazing, they actually acknowledge that you're an adult and don't babysit! What a concept!
may 10: Nicholas Joseph Schneider the flaws we dislike most in ourselves, are the first we seem to focus on in others. I need to be more aware and work toward removing these flaws so the focus isn't on them with anyone. When we look in a mirror and are not pleased with the reflection, it seems easier to replace the mirror than the reflection.
peace,
nj
so i've started training at www.draganettis.com and i think it will be a great fit. will keep maintain kell container and the salon. this way i will stay out of trouble. so, while i didn't blog on here, i had some facebook postings i will share..
may 3:Nicholas Joseph Schneider "i like to let go what i cannot change, i like to forgive what i cannot change, i like to love what i cannot change.........
may 3: Nicholas Joseph Schneider the truth shall set you free.
may 7: Nicholas Joseph Schneider great first night at draganetti's. amazing, they actually acknowledge that you're an adult and don't babysit! What a concept!
may 10: Nicholas Joseph Schneider the flaws we dislike most in ourselves, are the first we seem to focus on in others. I need to be more aware and work toward removing these flaws so the focus isn't on them with anyone. When we look in a mirror and are not pleased with the reflection, it seems easier to replace the mirror than the reflection.
peace,
nj
Friday, May 1, 2009
3 months, 05/01/2009
hi everyone, its friday, may 1st, and 3 months of recovery!!!!!! i can't even put into words the sense of serenity i feel today. 3 months and 1 day ago i never would have been able to comprehend that life could be like this. that "living" life would be fun. i can only hope that my faith, conviction, friendships, and honest desire keep me on this journey for the rest of my time.
should be a great weekend ahead, lisa lampanelli, darren, and really a return to where i hit my rock bottom, downtown mpls. should be interesting, reflective and affirmation that i'm on the right path now.
i have reposted a video that really, best summarizes it all for me. peace.
nj
should be a great weekend ahead, lisa lampanelli, darren, and really a return to where i hit my rock bottom, downtown mpls. should be interesting, reflective and affirmation that i'm on the right path now.
i have reposted a video that really, best summarizes it all for me. peace.
nj
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
sorrow, rain, beauty 4/26/09
the rains come down, absorb into the ground.
embrace the seed, with the moisture it need.
to have beauty tomorrow, today is sorrow.
what is always vital for futility and growth, is not the most pleasant. me must know that the very essence of beauty and harmony is work, struggle, rain, mud, and grit. today we might be sad, but with the flowers in blossom tomorrow, lets not pity in self-sorrow.
hope everyone had a great weekend. very low-key for me. seems that the one job offer i was awaiting is not coming to fruition, but i am meeting tomorrow to discuss and new job so i will post details on that this week. it has been offered already so we just need to work out the details.
saw "state of play" today, enjoyable movie. lisa lampanelli countdown = 6 days!!!
stay away from pigs!
nj
nj
embrace the seed, with the moisture it need.
to have beauty tomorrow, today is sorrow.
what is always vital for futility and growth, is not the most pleasant. me must know that the very essence of beauty and harmony is work, struggle, rain, mud, and grit. today we might be sad, but with the flowers in blossom tomorrow, lets not pity in self-sorrow.
hope everyone had a great weekend. very low-key for me. seems that the one job offer i was awaiting is not coming to fruition, but i am meeting tomorrow to discuss and new job so i will post details on that this week. it has been offered already so we just need to work out the details.
saw "state of play" today, enjoyable movie. lisa lampanelli countdown = 6 days!!!
stay away from pigs!
nj
nj
Thursday, April 23, 2009
bank teller tragedy! 4/23/09
so, i had another spiritual moment today. what totally amazes me on this journey is that everyday you learn something new, so the set-up goes as follows.
i'm leaving work (the glamorous world) of kell containter. (grateful for a paycheck) and as a result of scheduling errors, they needed to me to go to the salon to cover a few hours. I leave work and am taking care of some AA business ( i have the information phone for people to call) and am speaking with this gentlemen who is being "ordered" to attend a support group to get his liver transplant but he doesn't have a drinking problem, cars are honking at me, i forgot my sunglasses so i'm crying because the i'm squinting so hard, now my eyes are burning from the copious amounts of salt in my tears because i salt every food that enters my body, shit there goes the exit toward the bank i normally go to, HONK HONK HONK HONK somebody things i'm popular or just doesn't like my driving at this point, ok, at the other branch office let me run in, jot my number down on the deposit slip and oh RING RING RING are you coming to the salon?, sign the checks, hand them to the teller,
teller: " do you have your id?"
nj: " are you kidding me? they never ask me for my id"
teller: "i'm sorry, i need to see an id."
nj: "fine, its in my car."
out to the car, drop my cell phone, kick it under the car, open the car, grab my wallet and then out of the corner of my eye i see my passport and get an idea. bitch, you want an id, let me show you this, i'm sure at your blooming age of 16 you have no clue what this is. swagger back into the bank flick the passport on the counter and watch with amusement as she ponders over this "odd looking document"
nj: "its a passport issued by the united states government, it is an id" i say with such satisfaction. she completes the transaction, wishes me a good day and i leave sit down in the car and all of a sudden i hear this voice
mysterious voice"nicholas, what the f@ck was that?" i realized the absurdity of my behavior in that situation. for my protection and because her job requires it, she asked for my id, not my kidney. for those of you who read the gambling dinner out story on 4/4/09, holy shit, i'm my father!
i'm grateful that i recognized it, see the ridiculousness in it and realize i'm human. i know, i will make a point to go to that branch the next time and apologize to her for that behavior.
nj
i'm leaving work (the glamorous world) of kell containter. (grateful for a paycheck) and as a result of scheduling errors, they needed to me to go to the salon to cover a few hours. I leave work and am taking care of some AA business ( i have the information phone for people to call) and am speaking with this gentlemen who is being "ordered" to attend a support group to get his liver transplant but he doesn't have a drinking problem, cars are honking at me, i forgot my sunglasses so i'm crying because the i'm squinting so hard, now my eyes are burning from the copious amounts of salt in my tears because i salt every food that enters my body, shit there goes the exit toward the bank i normally go to, HONK HONK HONK HONK somebody things i'm popular or just doesn't like my driving at this point, ok, at the other branch office let me run in, jot my number down on the deposit slip and oh RING RING RING are you coming to the salon?, sign the checks, hand them to the teller,
teller: " do you have your id?"
nj: " are you kidding me? they never ask me for my id"
teller: "i'm sorry, i need to see an id."
nj: "fine, its in my car."
out to the car, drop my cell phone, kick it under the car, open the car, grab my wallet and then out of the corner of my eye i see my passport and get an idea. bitch, you want an id, let me show you this, i'm sure at your blooming age of 16 you have no clue what this is. swagger back into the bank flick the passport on the counter and watch with amusement as she ponders over this "odd looking document"
nj: "its a passport issued by the united states government, it is an id" i say with such satisfaction. she completes the transaction, wishes me a good day and i leave sit down in the car and all of a sudden i hear this voice
mysterious voice"nicholas, what the f@ck was that?" i realized the absurdity of my behavior in that situation. for my protection and because her job requires it, she asked for my id, not my kidney. for those of you who read the gambling dinner out story on 4/4/09, holy shit, i'm my father!
i'm grateful that i recognized it, see the ridiculousness in it and realize i'm human. i know, i will make a point to go to that branch the next time and apologize to her for that behavior.
nj
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
boyle on humanity. 4/21/09
ok, enough already of the boyle lady from england. is it not like a circus in town? so an unattractive lady can sing. this is nothing new, it has happened before, i won't name names! she does however, have a striking resemblence to a movie star.
i have to say today was a great day. had a nice conversation with my friend tony over coffee. that was followed by dinner with great friends and finished with some wonderful words of wisdom from my sponsor as we work on step 4.
i'm learning so much about myself on this journey. being an alcoholic was never really about drinking. absoluty amazing!
nj
Sunday, April 19, 2009
step 4 and rock bottom 4/19/09
hi all,
hope you had a great weekend. the latter part of last week was great for me. 2 days of golf, great weekend with friends. it was quite perfect.
i am beginning work on my step 4 and and then tomorrow, lol, i will begin to put the pen to the paper. i was struggling with wrapping my brain around some abstract ideas and was given some great guidance by a friend of mine. i will keep you informed.
dad's birthday, 62. it is really quite strange for me to have both my parents be in their 60's. seems so old, yet so young. i always equated 60's with old people, now to have them there is surreal to me. too bad my dad was under the weather today. made it difficult for him to enjoy the day i'm sure.
my brother had a lil run in with the po po and not sure if lucky for him or unlucky didn't get a dui. each person has their own standard of rock bottom and if we as alcoholics could step out of ourselves and see what our lives have become i think it would happen sooner, i certainly know those around me had to think, "what the hell?" who lives like that. like i can see with my brother, 3 marriages, 3 divorces, a defunct relationship with his daughter and typically one common denominator, alcohol. but, we each have to hit our bottom on our own. it is usually a solo trip and don't always know when we arrive.
nj
hope you had a great weekend. the latter part of last week was great for me. 2 days of golf, great weekend with friends. it was quite perfect.
i am beginning work on my step 4 and and then tomorrow, lol, i will begin to put the pen to the paper. i was struggling with wrapping my brain around some abstract ideas and was given some great guidance by a friend of mine. i will keep you informed.
dad's birthday, 62. it is really quite strange for me to have both my parents be in their 60's. seems so old, yet so young. i always equated 60's with old people, now to have them there is surreal to me. too bad my dad was under the weather today. made it difficult for him to enjoy the day i'm sure.
my brother had a lil run in with the po po and not sure if lucky for him or unlucky didn't get a dui. each person has their own standard of rock bottom and if we as alcoholics could step out of ourselves and see what our lives have become i think it would happen sooner, i certainly know those around me had to think, "what the hell?" who lives like that. like i can see with my brother, 3 marriages, 3 divorces, a defunct relationship with his daughter and typically one common denominator, alcohol. but, we each have to hit our bottom on our own. it is usually a solo trip and don't always know when we arrive.
nj
Thursday, April 16, 2009
happiness, 4/16/09
hi all!
sorry i've been gone for few days. sometimes you just need to step back and take a breath and try to find a harmonious balance in life's activities.
the endorphins are hi, the weather has been absolutely beautiful and played a great round of golf today at wild ridge golf course. fantastic.
the serenity that has come into my life and the friendships that have been formed are truly amazing. i miss my girls though, charlotte, laura, irene, jane-o. these were with me in the darkest hours, and are still with me today. they have at times been on the roller coaster with me and at times, new it was too fucked up of a ride to stay on, so got off and let me take the journey i needed to be on to get to where i am today.
i can't imagine what the rest of my life will be like if the past 2 months have been this incredible. who knew that "living" could feel this good. wow, just amazing. i have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is real.
some announcements hopefully coming up after this weekend. some changes i'm looking forward to, but don't want to jinx so just wish me luck.
nj
sorry i've been gone for few days. sometimes you just need to step back and take a breath and try to find a harmonious balance in life's activities.
the endorphins are hi, the weather has been absolutely beautiful and played a great round of golf today at wild ridge golf course. fantastic.
the serenity that has come into my life and the friendships that have been formed are truly amazing. i miss my girls though, charlotte, laura, irene, jane-o. these were with me in the darkest hours, and are still with me today. they have at times been on the roller coaster with me and at times, new it was too fucked up of a ride to stay on, so got off and let me take the journey i needed to be on to get to where i am today.
i can't imagine what the rest of my life will be like if the past 2 months have been this incredible. who knew that "living" could feel this good. wow, just amazing. i have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is real.
some announcements hopefully coming up after this weekend. some changes i'm looking forward to, but don't want to jinx so just wish me luck.
nj
Monday, April 13, 2009
clarity. 4/13/09
when purchasing diamonds, am important deciding factor, is the clarity. there can be many levels of clarity and the "clearer" the diamond is, the better.
life is much the same way. things weighing heavily on our mind or situations that perplex us, make us doubt become much better when we allow ourselves to see them clearly. the trick is, how do we get to the point to see it clearly? start by trusting what we know. trust what we truly feel, not what we want to feel. trust what our life's tools tell us. trust the opinions and wisdom of our closest allies.
we often don't see the clarity because we are too close to the situation. if we take a step back and look at it, like a row of diamonds, clarity becomes sparkling obvious.
nj
life is much the same way. things weighing heavily on our mind or situations that perplex us, make us doubt become much better when we allow ourselves to see them clearly. the trick is, how do we get to the point to see it clearly? start by trusting what we know. trust what we truly feel, not what we want to feel. trust what our life's tools tell us. trust the opinions and wisdom of our closest allies.
we often don't see the clarity because we are too close to the situation. if we take a step back and look at it, like a row of diamonds, clarity becomes sparkling obvious.
nj
Sunday, April 12, 2009
i feel whole. 4/12/09
the weekend has come to an end. the easter holiday is over. i think over the weekend, i have consumed 15,000 calories. I must go to the gym this week!
what a weekend it was, we filmed a pilot episode (well, only in our heads) of a new sitcom, 2 fags and a hag! i have not laughed as hard as i did with two of my friends on saturday afternoon. it is great to have friendships with such humor, honesty, and respect.
saturday night was filled with great fellowship of a great line of sponsor/sponsees and i am grateful to be a part of that. the combined strength and spirituality of this group will be a strong ally in my continued recovery!
felt great to talk to my auntie in arizona. she is on a great spiritual path that i can hear growing in her voice each time i talk with her, she is an incredible woman. there was a time in the not too far past that we had some bumpy spots but i'm so glad we have your "chats" back.
job world continues to evolve and present some limited opportunities so i will keep you all posted.
i have started watching the television show "nip/tuck". i can't wait to get through season 1 and on to the others!
nj
what a weekend it was, we filmed a pilot episode (well, only in our heads) of a new sitcom, 2 fags and a hag! i have not laughed as hard as i did with two of my friends on saturday afternoon. it is great to have friendships with such humor, honesty, and respect.
saturday night was filled with great fellowship of a great line of sponsor/sponsees and i am grateful to be a part of that. the combined strength and spirituality of this group will be a strong ally in my continued recovery!
felt great to talk to my auntie in arizona. she is on a great spiritual path that i can hear growing in her voice each time i talk with her, she is an incredible woman. there was a time in the not too far past that we had some bumpy spots but i'm so glad we have your "chats" back.
job world continues to evolve and present some limited opportunities so i will keep you all posted.
i have started watching the television show "nip/tuck". i can't wait to get through season 1 and on to the others!
nj
Friday, April 10, 2009
agree to disagree 4/10/09
easter weekend is here and i think spring has sprung for the season in the midwest. so tonight i had a highly interesting, thought-provoking conversation with a friend of mine regarding, religion, recovery, and the 7 dwarfs.
ok, just kidding about the lil people but, for the first time, i was able to dialogue about something and not agree with the other person but i feel, be respectful and understanding of their viewpoint. in the past, i would always put up the defense wall and start firing back with my ammo and one try to prove them wrong, insult them and not listen to what they were saying.
i think if we could learn to accept differences, respect them and communicate, we could move forward on so many issues.
strangest them is happening, i have more to type my but forearm is cramping up and really hurts. so. signing off all.
nj
ok, just kidding about the lil people but, for the first time, i was able to dialogue about something and not agree with the other person but i feel, be respectful and understanding of their viewpoint. in the past, i would always put up the defense wall and start firing back with my ammo and one try to prove them wrong, insult them and not listen to what they were saying.
i think if we could learn to accept differences, respect them and communicate, we could move forward on so many issues.
strangest them is happening, i have more to type my but forearm is cramping up and really hurts. so. signing off all.
nj
Thursday, April 9, 2009
senseless and preventable. 04/09/2009
easter is almost here? and i'm still wondering how the religious inferences made their way to a bunny, basket, eggs, and chocolate? the joy of organized religion!
hopefully i hear back about this prospective job tomorrow, i hope it works out, but if not, i know that it is not meant to be.
how senseless and sad was the horrible death of the major league baseball pitcher who died as a result of a drunk driver. i can't imagine the shame i would feel if i would have been responsible for something like that. god knows i certainly put myself in the situation with irresponsible decision making in the past.
i think all of us who are fortunate enough to have driven drunk and not caused harm to do everything, everything we can to prevent as much as we can in the future.
it doesn't have to happen.
tiger had a solid showing today at the masters. excited to watch him the next few days. 2 great new shows on NBC tonight, parks & rec and southland was amazing!!!
nj
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
golfing and sex 4/8/09
oh my oh my. what a natural rush, an immediate high, euphoria! i went to golfing today!! i was speaking with my friend darren (shout out!) and the sad pathetic truth is that for me, golf is my like sex. let me explain.......
i was all excited, eager with anticipation. i was excited to play with my club and balls! but like most times, i had no one to play with so it would be an afternoon by myself, or they might partner me up with a complete stranger, which is always awkward, and at the end is it as good as we hoped it would be? LOL
well, with golf it is better than i thought it would be and lasted 4 hours.......2 things that never happened in the sex life!
so i thought that was funny. hope you did too! anyway, it was a blast to get out there. a summer time pic below.
i was all excited, eager with anticipation. i was excited to play with my club and balls! but like most times, i had no one to play with so it would be an afternoon by myself, or they might partner me up with a complete stranger, which is always awkward, and at the end is it as good as we hoped it would be? LOL
well, with golf it is better than i thought it would be and lasted 4 hours.......2 things that never happened in the sex life!
so i thought that was funny. hope you did too! anyway, it was a blast to get out there. a summer time pic below.
so. lets see. returned to my one of favorite groups tonight and had a great meeting filled with such great energy. really loving the new life!
peace, nj
Monday, April 6, 2009
interview, 4/6/9
had interview today and every fiber of my being said it went really well.......god i hope so. i need something that stimulates my soul. it would be an honor to give my glamorous position with gnc via manpower up to another deserving soul. i am thankful however, to be working.
the wind here today was ridiculous, am really quite ready for spring to sprung. feeling really upbeat and optimistic for the start of this week!
how sad, the earthquake in central italy. the devastation, tragedy, and chaos. thoughts are certainly with all of them over there. what a nightmare..........on mainstreet in many american cities. something must be done about the out of control violence occurring what seems like nearly on a daily basis.
tougher gun restrictions must be enacted!!! contact your elected officials!
update! going to see LISA LAMPANELLI (http://www.insultcomic.com/) on may 2nd at the
orpheum theater in mpls! very excited. going to watch some brothers & sisters.
ny peace
Sunday, April 5, 2009
snow, carrie, and the osbournes! 4/5/09
other than the irritating snow deliver this morning what a fantastic weekend. looking forward to a great week. seems to be lots of exciting things planned and i think i may just stop at a bowling alley and bowl a couple of games to keep my professional form!
my dear friend charlotte is on her way to (or there by now) to el salvadore i think, or ecuador? she's going through a door. on her way to travelled with sharon and kelly osborne while on a layover in miami. they were kind enough to ask her how i was doing! isn't that crazy. apparently they follow the blog too! tell your friends, have them join the phenomenon!
very happy for carrie underwood. 1st female to win country musics entertainer of the year since 2000! society has a long way to go my friends! i'm also wondering how the hell she got into that dress and how many yards of fabric were involved!
certainly stunningly beautiful!
hope you all have a great start to the week!
nj peace!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
no whammy, big money! 4/4/09
welllllllll hellooooooo my friends!!! happy saturday/sunday depending on your time zone, hemisphere, and continent! this blog is followed WORLD WIDE!! thanks for the support and words of encouragement.
a new revelation today!!!!! your odds of winning money at the casino greatly increase if you ARE NOT DRUNK! i plopped down $40 on the roulettarooni wheel and walked away with $125! not bad for 2 hours work! take that manpower!
i think my mom enjoyed, we were there for her birthday weekend. the fun then began as we stopped in the town of barron, wi (http://www.barronchamber.com/) for a bite to eat on the way home.
after much deliberation upon leaving the glamour turtle lake casino (http://www.stcroixcasino.com/) i made the decision and said east we go down the scenic?? hwy 8!
just down the road from the jenni-o turkey plant (should have just eaten there) was this quaint lil truck stop. i've have some meals at truck stops before, wink wink, but not quite like this.
julie&daves's truck stop (http://www.julieanddaves.com/contact.html) having worked in the biz for a few years, all be it most of it intoxicated, i do know that the only 2 people you do not leave in charge and the only 2 there are a 17 year-old waitress and a 16 year-old cook who has only been on the job for 4 hours!
needless to say there was kitchen chaos and the food took forever and when the 2 tables who arrived after us got their food, my father popped his lid at poor lil waitress girl who at this point was so rattled her fake eyelashes were dropping so far i thought she needed to wax her upper lip! poor thing.
i tried to calm my father down by telling him that he was acting as if he had just found out that they would have to use his left nut in one of the recipes. CALM DOWN!!!! its just food, right? he could use some help from the serenity prayer. "god, give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference!"
screaming, yelling, being near cardiac arrest behavior doesn't make the food come any quicker!
in the irony, we nearly had a nice fillet of venison tenderloin on the way home and that would have been immediately grilled!
nj
a new revelation today!!!!! your odds of winning money at the casino greatly increase if you ARE NOT DRUNK! i plopped down $40 on the roulettarooni wheel and walked away with $125! not bad for 2 hours work! take that manpower!
i think my mom enjoyed, we were there for her birthday weekend. the fun then began as we stopped in the town of barron, wi (http://www.barronchamber.com/) for a bite to eat on the way home.
after much deliberation upon leaving the glamour turtle lake casino (http://www.stcroixcasino.com/) i made the decision and said east we go down the scenic?? hwy 8!
just down the road from the jenni-o turkey plant (should have just eaten there) was this quaint lil truck stop. i've have some meals at truck stops before, wink wink, but not quite like this.
julie&daves's truck stop (http://www.julieanddaves.com/contact.html) having worked in the biz for a few years, all be it most of it intoxicated, i do know that the only 2 people you do not leave in charge and the only 2 there are a 17 year-old waitress and a 16 year-old cook who has only been on the job for 4 hours!
needless to say there was kitchen chaos and the food took forever and when the 2 tables who arrived after us got their food, my father popped his lid at poor lil waitress girl who at this point was so rattled her fake eyelashes were dropping so far i thought she needed to wax her upper lip! poor thing.
i tried to calm my father down by telling him that he was acting as if he had just found out that they would have to use his left nut in one of the recipes. CALM DOWN!!!! its just food, right? he could use some help from the serenity prayer. "god, give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference!"
screaming, yelling, being near cardiac arrest behavior doesn't make the food come any quicker!
in the irony, we nearly had a nice fillet of venison tenderloin on the way home and that would have been immediately grilled!
nj
Friday, April 3, 2009
sicky no more! 4/3/09
wow, what a difference! i'm back everyone! i feel like star jones after a "medical intervention"! a whole new person! that was a nasty bout of "wft" but that keeps us humble i suppose!
i must begin by stating what an incredible touching and moving story my friend renee "nee nee" told this evening. i'm proud to call her a friend. to everyone that has come into my life the past 2 months, wow. i think as all of us feel, to be as blessed as we are today, we would not trade any of the hardships we have faced in the past!
i had interview 1 of 2 today. i think it went ago not disappointed or optimistic. if it is meant to be, then it will be. monday's interview i have a lil' more hope for, it is a "salaried" job with benefits and shit. things like grown-up do i guess!
if anyone out there wonders what alcohol and drugs can do to you, just tune into comedy central's roast of larry the cable guy and watch gary busey! oh my god. what a hot mess. hope is is seeking help!
hope the sunshine continues to dry up the golf courses so i can get on the links! hope you all have a swell weekend!
nj
i must begin by stating what an incredible touching and moving story my friend renee "nee nee" told this evening. i'm proud to call her a friend. to everyone that has come into my life the past 2 months, wow. i think as all of us feel, to be as blessed as we are today, we would not trade any of the hardships we have faced in the past!
i had interview 1 of 2 today. i think it went ago not disappointed or optimistic. if it is meant to be, then it will be. monday's interview i have a lil' more hope for, it is a "salaried" job with benefits and shit. things like grown-up do i guess!
if anyone out there wonders what alcohol and drugs can do to you, just tune into comedy central's roast of larry the cable guy and watch gary busey! oh my god. what a hot mess. hope is is seeking help!
hope the sunshine continues to dry up the golf courses so i can get on the links! hope you all have a swell weekend!
nj
back from death's door 4/3/09
wow, what a few days it has been. was feeling great on wednesday, left job 1, and mid-way through job 2 started to go downhill. by midnight was spent. i think i slept 30 of the past 36 hours and am feeling like i'm on the upswing. thank god, don't think i could have gone through much more of that.
interestingly enough, the last few times i felt like that was usually when my body was detoxing. i could during those times though be mad at myself and be like this will end soon and i will never drink again, i had no one to blame this time.
i can't believe i use to put myself through that on a regular basis. never again! the 2 months of sobriety are truly such an amazing feeling. completely awesome.
have a job interview today for pt night job. hopefully goes well! i could definitely use the extra money!
tomorrow is the final class for my dui! yippeee, exciting feeling! then going to the casino with my mom to celebrate her 60th birthday! she is on day 2 of not smoking, i hope that goes well fro her.
nj
interestingly enough, the last few times i felt like that was usually when my body was detoxing. i could during those times though be mad at myself and be like this will end soon and i will never drink again, i had no one to blame this time.
i can't believe i use to put myself through that on a regular basis. never again! the 2 months of sobriety are truly such an amazing feeling. completely awesome.
have a job interview today for pt night job. hopefully goes well! i could definitely use the extra money!
tomorrow is the final class for my dui! yippeee, exciting feeling! then going to the casino with my mom to celebrate her 60th birthday! she is on day 2 of not smoking, i hope that goes well fro her.
nj
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
sick as a dog, ain't no fool! 4/1/09
hi, all. sorry haven't posted, been sick as a dog. weather here is horrible and just trying to rest. i will be back soon with a lot to say!! just wanted to say, 2 months ago today was my 1st day or recovery and that feels awesome.
nj
nj
Sunday, March 29, 2009
relative time 3/29/09
wow, time is so relative isn't it? that last five minutes before you get to leave work for the day, the length of a red light? when you are waiting on news that can change your life. that time never seems to end, each second ticks by like a painful sliver slowly being pulled out, slowly moving like days of december for a child waiting for xmas, slowly moving like me waiting for the end of the bush administration. lol. Have to have some humor right?
the length of an exhilarating roller coaster, watching your precious child grow, our actual time on earth. this time flies by in the blink of an eye. why is this? the reality, of course, is time is time is time. the pendulum doesn't actually change depending on our life's circumstances. what happens in our cognitive thinking that makes the "length" of time seem to have such disparity?
i was hoping to have some magical answer, but i don't. i'm approaching 2 months in recovery and it has flown by. it has gone by so quick. i truly can't believe it. i hope it means that life's true treasures, parts of life that we really enjoy do race by us, so enjoy it while we can, if that is the case, sobriety is the best ride at the amusement park. and the agony and length of days while drinking is similar to that sliver being pulled out then there is no doubt that the right decision has been made.
i worry about my brother. he is an alcoholic who is about to lose his wife, his home and any sense of himself. should i talk to him over lunch? see where his head is at? not sure. i pray that his awakening is sooner than later, but that path is different for all of us.
nj
the length of an exhilarating roller coaster, watching your precious child grow, our actual time on earth. this time flies by in the blink of an eye. why is this? the reality, of course, is time is time is time. the pendulum doesn't actually change depending on our life's circumstances. what happens in our cognitive thinking that makes the "length" of time seem to have such disparity?
i was hoping to have some magical answer, but i don't. i'm approaching 2 months in recovery and it has flown by. it has gone by so quick. i truly can't believe it. i hope it means that life's true treasures, parts of life that we really enjoy do race by us, so enjoy it while we can, if that is the case, sobriety is the best ride at the amusement park. and the agony and length of days while drinking is similar to that sliver being pulled out then there is no doubt that the right decision has been made.
i worry about my brother. he is an alcoholic who is about to lose his wife, his home and any sense of himself. should i talk to him over lunch? see where his head is at? not sure. i pray that his awakening is sooner than later, but that path is different for all of us.
nj
Friday, March 27, 2009
bowling 3/27/09
i am so grateful for the friendships i have made and for the incredible opportunity to do things like the bowling event tonight. i know to many people, this may seem incredibly odd, but to have and event planned, show up, and do it without worries of what my behavior will be like because of alcohol or if i would be to fucked up to even go is absolutely awesome.
i even bowled 3 games over 100. 166, 128,134. Never in my life have i done that! to molly, gabe, and jackie, you guys rock! thanks for being my anchor! ebony, you gave a new meaning to "bromance" i can't wait to get the pics since they aren't on my camera. i'm glad the turn out was awesome. Like 20+ people. that is very cool.
my dear friend charlotte is back in the states after an extended trip to the land down under and even though she is a few miles away, it feels so good to have her home. have missed the freedom of being able to talk to her on a regular basis. love you girl!
thank you all so much for your support and strength. keep reading.
nj
i even bowled 3 games over 100. 166, 128,134. Never in my life have i done that! to molly, gabe, and jackie, you guys rock! thanks for being my anchor! ebony, you gave a new meaning to "bromance" i can't wait to get the pics since they aren't on my camera. i'm glad the turn out was awesome. Like 20+ people. that is very cool.
my dear friend charlotte is back in the states after an extended trip to the land down under and even though she is a few miles away, it feels so good to have her home. have missed the freedom of being able to talk to her on a regular basis. love you girl!
thank you all so much for your support and strength. keep reading.
nj
Thursday, March 26, 2009
thursday 3/26/09
yippee friday is here! ok, wow. so what a week it has been! car issues, money is being sent to me and EVEN MORE $ is going out. i guess that is how it works huh? i have to say, that with all of that, today was just fantastic.
if i have said it once, a million times over, i'm so thankful for the incredible love and support, strength and hope, and sense of belonging i receive from the people i meet with 3 - 5 times a week. words can't summarize. thank you.
so excited for the 1st annual nicholas joseph bowling experience tomorrow night! (friday) pictures to come!
wow, anyone see adam lambert on idol this week? incredible. the boy can sing!
speak to you all soon!
nj
if i have said it once, a million times over, i'm so thankful for the incredible love and support, strength and hope, and sense of belonging i receive from the people i meet with 3 - 5 times a week. words can't summarize. thank you.
so excited for the 1st annual nicholas joseph bowling experience tomorrow night! (friday) pictures to come!
wow, anyone see adam lambert on idol this week? incredible. the boy can sing!
speak to you all soon!
nj
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
damn what a rainy dreary day! spring has to be here, we just have to find where it is hiding. Oh well, i guess when the beautiful weather finally arrives we appreciate it all that much more. ( is that proper grammar? oh well, that is why this is unfiltered blog!)
well, somethings about sobriety. time to take ownership in previous "lack of responsibility" let me just say, that the us government subsidized most of my early 20's via student loans. this allowed me to travel, buy lots of things, and party like a rockstar! i then drank and partied to oblivion and said "to hell with these lil letters from direct loans, file them in the trash."
guess what? time for me to help pay my share of the federal government bank bailout, i guess to pay for this bail-out, they are collecting on loans owed from students. so, with a clear head, and a desire to step up and be accountable. i'm going to move forward to begin to get right with them. it will suck financially, it is a hefty monthly payment. i could be driving a new mercedes (fully loaded) but i must take ownership and make it right.
eveyone else i owe, to the end of the line! lookin forward to the non-sanctioned aa bowling event my friend my jackie and i have put together this friday night. i will be thinking of my dear friend jane-o who gave me the most stylish bowling ball ever! (too bad she didn't give me any of her skills!) i think the only person i could possibly beat is President Obama!
sometimes our actions/interactions don't always match our intent. this is human nature. when this happens, we must be aware where we were misunderstood, do our best to explain our intent, acknowledge the possibility of the errors we may have made, apologize and hopefully move forward with all parties feeling better and growing from the experience.
i need to remind myself, allow myself to feel even when those feelings hurt. allow myself to live, even when living is hard. this is life.
nj
well, somethings about sobriety. time to take ownership in previous "lack of responsibility" let me just say, that the us government subsidized most of my early 20's via student loans. this allowed me to travel, buy lots of things, and party like a rockstar! i then drank and partied to oblivion and said "to hell with these lil letters from direct loans, file them in the trash."
guess what? time for me to help pay my share of the federal government bank bailout, i guess to pay for this bail-out, they are collecting on loans owed from students. so, with a clear head, and a desire to step up and be accountable. i'm going to move forward to begin to get right with them. it will suck financially, it is a hefty monthly payment. i could be driving a new mercedes (fully loaded) but i must take ownership and make it right.
eveyone else i owe, to the end of the line! lookin forward to the non-sanctioned aa bowling event my friend my jackie and i have put together this friday night. i will be thinking of my dear friend jane-o who gave me the most stylish bowling ball ever! (too bad she didn't give me any of her skills!) i think the only person i could possibly beat is President Obama!
sometimes our actions/interactions don't always match our intent. this is human nature. when this happens, we must be aware where we were misunderstood, do our best to explain our intent, acknowledge the possibility of the errors we may have made, apologize and hopefully move forward with all parties feeling better and growing from the experience.
i need to remind myself, allow myself to feel even when those feelings hurt. allow myself to live, even when living is hard. this is life.
nj
Sunday, March 22, 2009
space time continuum 3/22/09
as another week comes to a close so a new week begins. is that how we have to look at it though? why a week coming to a close? a day? a month? our mind seems to be wired in such that everything must have a beginning, middle and end. why can we not allow ourselves to be on a constant continuum?
if you really think about it, we take the one of the few things in our universe that truly is on a continuum and try to manipulate it by notching into "sets" we have decades, years, months, etc. in the true sense of time, there is no beginning. there is no end. this is such an abstract idea i guess, ( i think this as i'm typing, "wtf am i rambling about? there is a point here somewhere.......i think)
we judge ourselves, hold ourselves accountable to this fictional creation of time. we value "time" rather than substance. think about it. our desire to live to be a certain age, birthday, length of sobriety, length of marriage, etc. Why don't we place equal or more importance on the quality of life someone had, the quality of their sobriety, and the quality of the marriage?
don't get me wrong, i understand the logical reasons for "time" but if we made a conscious effort to focus on the qualitative measurements rather than quantitative, wouldn't we get a better measurement? rather than asking someone, how long have you been sober, ask them, how has your sobriety treated you? rather than looking at the person's 2 dates on the tombstone, look at the dash in the middle and hope that it represents a lifetime of what that person wanted to do.
the amount of anything isn't nearly as important as the quality. so i'm not about to embark on a new week, rather i'm going to continue a blessed life of sobriety.
i want to give a quick shout out to jeremy! thanks bud for meeting me on the driving range today. great to have you in my life and look forward to our friendship growing. golf season is almost here!!!
nj
if you really think about it, we take the one of the few things in our universe that truly is on a continuum and try to manipulate it by notching into "sets" we have decades, years, months, etc. in the true sense of time, there is no beginning. there is no end. this is such an abstract idea i guess, ( i think this as i'm typing, "wtf am i rambling about? there is a point here somewhere.......i think)
we judge ourselves, hold ourselves accountable to this fictional creation of time. we value "time" rather than substance. think about it. our desire to live to be a certain age, birthday, length of sobriety, length of marriage, etc. Why don't we place equal or more importance on the quality of life someone had, the quality of their sobriety, and the quality of the marriage?
don't get me wrong, i understand the logical reasons for "time" but if we made a conscious effort to focus on the qualitative measurements rather than quantitative, wouldn't we get a better measurement? rather than asking someone, how long have you been sober, ask them, how has your sobriety treated you? rather than looking at the person's 2 dates on the tombstone, look at the dash in the middle and hope that it represents a lifetime of what that person wanted to do.
the amount of anything isn't nearly as important as the quality. so i'm not about to embark on a new week, rather i'm going to continue a blessed life of sobriety.
i want to give a quick shout out to jeremy! thanks bud for meeting me on the driving range today. great to have you in my life and look forward to our friendship growing. golf season is almost here!!!
nj
Saturday, March 21, 2009
saturday night alive! 3/21/09
good day all! its saturday night! what a beautiful day today. 60 degrees, sun shining, amazing. today was round 3 of group dynamics, (mandatory class for 1st time drunk drivers in wi). 13 hours down, 8 more to go! yippee!
we watched a video today about a woman's drunk driving eXperience that really hit home for me. which reminds me i need to find the pics of my accident and post them! the accident that this young woman had was similar to mine and i think that the end result could have/should have been the same for me had it not been for that of my higher power. when i gather the pics and what not, i will make a blog special about my dui. remember though my accident/arrest was on 10/18/2008. i continued to drink, continued to drink and drive until 1/31/09. the link below is a synopsis of this young woman from wisconsin, her name is denise wagoner and this is her story (includes quite disturbing, but powerful images.)
(http://www20.brinkster.com/godfathersatx/links.htm)
on a different note, i received a phone call today that made me feel good and gave me hope, strength, and inspiration. it was from a friend of mine who is going through some tough times. i haven't talked to her in a few months and she informed me of how inspirational and touching my blogs are to her and she looks forward to them every morning. i do this primarily for a self-serving purpose. to know that people are getting something out of it is just awesome.
i am going to try to continue to improve the format and layout and hope to add a section where you can submit questions/comments other than just the comment part after each entry.
hope you are all well!
nj
we watched a video today about a woman's drunk driving eXperience that really hit home for me. which reminds me i need to find the pics of my accident and post them! the accident that this young woman had was similar to mine and i think that the end result could have/should have been the same for me had it not been for that of my higher power. when i gather the pics and what not, i will make a blog special about my dui. remember though my accident/arrest was on 10/18/2008. i continued to drink, continued to drink and drive until 1/31/09. the link below is a synopsis of this young woman from wisconsin, her name is denise wagoner and this is her story (includes quite disturbing, but powerful images.)
(http://www20.brinkster.com/godfathersatx/links.htm)
on a different note, i received a phone call today that made me feel good and gave me hope, strength, and inspiration. it was from a friend of mine who is going through some tough times. i haven't talked to her in a few months and she informed me of how inspirational and touching my blogs are to her and she looks forward to them every morning. i do this primarily for a self-serving purpose. to know that people are getting something out of it is just awesome.
i am going to try to continue to improve the format and layout and hope to add a section where you can submit questions/comments other than just the comment part after each entry.
hope you are all well!
nj
Thursday, March 19, 2009
you found me 3/19/09
spring is here tomorrow! the grass will begin to turn green, the trees bud, and robins jostling about! such an exciting time of year. i love it!
kudos to obama on "the tonight show" isn't it nice to have a president who quite simply, "gets it"? my friend told me tonight (in reference to George W's new book deal) "do they really pay $7 million for a scratch-n-sniff book!?"
i have recently heard a song that i've been listening to the last few days that has really hit me. to me, it is a song the describes a person's relationship with god and their alcoholism. of course the meaning is subjective. the meaning to me is that we are pushed to our furthest limits, our faith tested so far that we have to reach that deep dark place where we are truly willing to open ourselves up before the higher power will enter our lives. this song relates to me when i had my spiritual awakening. when i finally threw my hands up, begged for help, and was willing to take it. i hope you enjoy, get some inspiration. i created a video below that for me is empowering, sobering, and fitting to the meaning of this song! Enjoy
nj
kudos to obama on "the tonight show" isn't it nice to have a president who quite simply, "gets it"? my friend told me tonight (in reference to George W's new book deal) "do they really pay $7 million for a scratch-n-sniff book!?"
i have recently heard a song that i've been listening to the last few days that has really hit me. to me, it is a song the describes a person's relationship with god and their alcoholism. of course the meaning is subjective. the meaning to me is that we are pushed to our furthest limits, our faith tested so far that we have to reach that deep dark place where we are truly willing to open ourselves up before the higher power will enter our lives. this song relates to me when i had my spiritual awakening. when i finally threw my hands up, begged for help, and was willing to take it. i hope you enjoy, get some inspiration. i created a video below that for me is empowering, sobering, and fitting to the meaning of this song! Enjoy
nj
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
45 days of sobriety! 3/18/09
i love the excitement and energy of spring time. everything starts to come alive and it really is time for life to grow.
thankful that i've been laid off this week to enjoy the sunshine and hopefully i will be able to hit the driving range. i will be able to enjoy many more things this summer with the focus not being on alcohol and being hung over. or drunk 24/7.
the past few days i've had this dilemma and new the right answer but was struggling. made a decision tonight and the weight/burden was lifted. feels really good.
i have a friend who had a really tough day and my thoughts are with her! miss everyone on wednesday nights, i can't wait to get back to my normal schedule!
nj
thankful that i've been laid off this week to enjoy the sunshine and hopefully i will be able to hit the driving range. i will be able to enjoy many more things this summer with the focus not being on alcohol and being hung over. or drunk 24/7.
the past few days i've had this dilemma and new the right answer but was struggling. made a decision tonight and the weight/burden was lifted. feels really good.
i have a friend who had a really tough day and my thoughts are with her! miss everyone on wednesday nights, i can't wait to get back to my normal schedule!
nj
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
tickle me tuesday! 3/17/09
new day, new life, new sobriety, new emotions, new complications. this is the same for everyone isn't it? well, maybe not all of it, but consciously or not, every day is a new life, a beginning and an end. like a tombstone, the year of birth and year of death aren't nearly as important as what the dash in the middle represents. each day, what we do with the hours between wake up and sleepy sleepy is the significance of our lives. those hours make up the dash of our lives.
it is so hard, especially for me, to practice that. i'm aware of it, but find myself constantly worrying about "how will this work out" or "what does this mean 5 years from now, 5 months from now, 5 days from now" i should be asking "how is this working now?"
i guess, this is a rambling on of "the now" that i speak of often. if we truly take care of each and every "the now" we don't have to worry about anything in the future because we have done all we can to ensure that it will be everything we put into it. that is all we can ask of ourselves. if we take care of all of our aspects during each and every "the now" we have done all we can do to make tomorrow the best it can be, if we are blessed with a tomorrow.
then it comes to matters of the heart...... be wise, be smart, but be willing.
nj
it is so hard, especially for me, to practice that. i'm aware of it, but find myself constantly worrying about "how will this work out" or "what does this mean 5 years from now, 5 months from now, 5 days from now" i should be asking "how is this working now?"
i guess, this is a rambling on of "the now" that i speak of often. if we truly take care of each and every "the now" we don't have to worry about anything in the future because we have done all we can to ensure that it will be everything we put into it. that is all we can ask of ourselves. if we take care of all of our aspects during each and every "the now" we have done all we can do to make tomorrow the best it can be, if we are blessed with a tomorrow.
then it comes to matters of the heart...... be wise, be smart, but be willing.
nj
Monday, March 16, 2009
"the now" revisited........3/16/09
wow, so, i've had this idea floating around in my head for a few days, but it just didn't feel right to blog without reason. saturday morning, while sitting in group dynamics class and thinking about all that has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. i was scribbling on my books and looked down and had written "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is what I want it to be". i don't know if i heard this somewhere, read it somewhere, i'm sure as hell positive i didn't create it, so props to whomever came up with it.
it is so true. i've referred to this in the past with my blogs, talking about "the now" today is sort of a rough day for me. for the first time i came to another level of enlightenment. i became irritated today, with work, traffic, the old lady in front of me. i then realized, i was working through life. for the past 10 years i have been intoxicated or immediately turned to that as soon as something began to unnerve me.
for the first time, in a long time, i had to stand facing life. what the fuck? do people really deal with this shit on daily basis? no wonder we are at war, out of money, and can't agree on anything. right? well, no, that of course is no excuse.
i have some new friends who are in need and was able to help them out today and they were able to help me as well. i can't drive on monday nights and really needed to go to a meeting and they were able to make that happen, and i was able to help them.
which then leads back to "the now" when something new happens in your life it seems that one, or at least me, instinctively thinks about "well, what will this look like 5 years from now?" this simple, potentially beautiful thing then becomes complicated. god damn why do i do this to myself? thanks to my friend sue for reminded me that friendships, no matter on what level should be valued, and should not be shied away from because perhaps this a potential there for more than a friendship. i don't know if that is what will happen in this situation, but there is certainly "a giddy" feeling that i haven't felt in sometime.
i hope to continue to explore options and proceed with caution, but not barricade the heart either.
remember the past, enjoy "the now", and be ready for, not live for; tomorrow.
nj
it is so true. i've referred to this in the past with my blogs, talking about "the now" today is sort of a rough day for me. for the first time i came to another level of enlightenment. i became irritated today, with work, traffic, the old lady in front of me. i then realized, i was working through life. for the past 10 years i have been intoxicated or immediately turned to that as soon as something began to unnerve me.
for the first time, in a long time, i had to stand facing life. what the fuck? do people really deal with this shit on daily basis? no wonder we are at war, out of money, and can't agree on anything. right? well, no, that of course is no excuse.
i have some new friends who are in need and was able to help them out today and they were able to help me as well. i can't drive on monday nights and really needed to go to a meeting and they were able to make that happen, and i was able to help them.
which then leads back to "the now" when something new happens in your life it seems that one, or at least me, instinctively thinks about "well, what will this look like 5 years from now?" this simple, potentially beautiful thing then becomes complicated. god damn why do i do this to myself? thanks to my friend sue for reminded me that friendships, no matter on what level should be valued, and should not be shied away from because perhaps this a potential there for more than a friendship. i don't know if that is what will happen in this situation, but there is certainly "a giddy" feeling that i haven't felt in sometime.
i hope to continue to explore options and proceed with caution, but not barricade the heart either.
remember the past, enjoy "the now", and be ready for, not live for; tomorrow.
nj
Saturday, March 14, 2009
my saturday 3/14/09
well hi all. whew. what a long day. started at 8:30 this am. off to driving school i go. this is where i learn just how proud i am of my drinking days. the class is full of armatures. .17, .22, .10, speeding tickets, taillights out. these people aren't drunks. just people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
they didn't park their car 40 yards into a cornfield, after taking out fences posts, clear cutting a row of trees, knock out power to a neighborhood buy taking out a utility pole (transformer), reroute traffic by knocking out the detour sign and have a BAC of .34. I win the gold medal...........for STUPIDITY!
Well, i thankfully can reflect upon this lightheartedly because NO ONE was injured. simply by the grace of a higher power.
Let me tell you a little bit about some of the character in the class! a co-worker's boyfriend, 1 girl, a cartoon character and "Barry the Cable Guy" seriously, Larry's twin brother. chubby, mullet sticking out from hat, (while completely bald) a fabulous denim vest( complete with frayed sleeves) and no under shirt......... no undershirt! just the vest!!! and enough hair on his arms to prove the theory of evolution.
anyway, meant in good fun. thank god for the characters, makes the class go faster.
from there, off to meet friends for lunch and movie. had my first challenge. met them inside cancun. thanks to the advice from my friend molly, was strong and didn't flip any conscious triggers.
movie was great, nice thriller "last house on left" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0844708/) check out the trailer. oh, that was after a nice lunch at "dana's bar and grill" in chippewa. Great steak salad!
ok. then a completely whacked meeting. a speaker who should have been spoken to, but hopefully it was beneficial to her. we take what we want from a meeting and leave the rest.
finished up with some coffee/hot chocolate at racy's with some good friends for some good laughs.
then.... played text tag with a new friend. (more on that later)
tomorrow, insightful, deep blog. night y'all!
nj
they didn't park their car 40 yards into a cornfield, after taking out fences posts, clear cutting a row of trees, knock out power to a neighborhood buy taking out a utility pole (transformer), reroute traffic by knocking out the detour sign and have a BAC of .34. I win the gold medal...........for STUPIDITY!
Well, i thankfully can reflect upon this lightheartedly because NO ONE was injured. simply by the grace of a higher power.
Let me tell you a little bit about some of the character in the class! a co-worker's boyfriend, 1 girl, a cartoon character and "Barry the Cable Guy" seriously, Larry's twin brother. chubby, mullet sticking out from hat, (while completely bald) a fabulous denim vest( complete with frayed sleeves) and no under shirt......... no undershirt! just the vest!!! and enough hair on his arms to prove the theory of evolution.
anyway, meant in good fun. thank god for the characters, makes the class go faster.
from there, off to meet friends for lunch and movie. had my first challenge. met them inside cancun. thanks to the advice from my friend molly, was strong and didn't flip any conscious triggers.
movie was great, nice thriller "last house on left" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0844708/) check out the trailer. oh, that was after a nice lunch at "dana's bar and grill" in chippewa. Great steak salad!
ok. then a completely whacked meeting. a speaker who should have been spoken to, but hopefully it was beneficial to her. we take what we want from a meeting and leave the rest.
finished up with some coffee/hot chocolate at racy's with some good friends for some good laughs.
then.... played text tag with a new friend. (more on that later)
tomorrow, insightful, deep blog. night y'all!
nj
Friday, March 13, 2009
blipity blah! 3/13/09
hi all. finally, finally, i can pee outside without freezing to the fire hydrant. hopefully there is no looking back to this nasty bitter winter season. SPRING needs to be here.
well, i'm old. i played bingo tonight. at the damn knights of columbus hall. and of course, won no money, so i'm doing my part to help stimulate the economy by spending spending spending. when is someone going to stimulate me? well, i'll keep you posted.
new favorite place is racy's coffee shop. nice chance to relax, read and meet up with friends.
tomorrow is round 2 of group dynamic "driving class" should be very entertaining. i'm learning how to drink and drive or not to? i don't know. i've solved that problem by just not drinking. ;-)
hope all is well and talk to you soon.
nj
well, i'm old. i played bingo tonight. at the damn knights of columbus hall. and of course, won no money, so i'm doing my part to help stimulate the economy by spending spending spending. when is someone going to stimulate me? well, i'll keep you posted.
new favorite place is racy's coffee shop. nice chance to relax, read and meet up with friends.
tomorrow is round 2 of group dynamic "driving class" should be very entertaining. i'm learning how to drink and drive or not to? i don't know. i've solved that problem by just not drinking. ;-)
hope all is well and talk to you soon.
nj
Thursday, March 12, 2009
help, meeting, and a plan. 3/12/09
well, its been a couple of days since my fingers have swiftly moved across the keyboard. that is simply because they were frozen together and stuck to the door knob of my house! Enough of this weather already!
had a great meeting tonight. 2 new members there. such an amazing forum. strangers walk-in and you immediately have a desire to lend a hand of help. regardless if you have a few days of sobriety or years. you are moved to help them.
if we are happy/healthy individuals, is that not something we should want to carry out in all facets of our lives? the elderly with groceries, the friend down on their luck, the republican, (just kidding) lol, need a little humor occasionally.
there was an interesting point brought up tonight at the meeting regarding AA/meetings/recovery. this is something that transcends all life. when most people think of AA meetings, they think of a place to go "get sober" or "stay sober". Chew on that for a moment..................Keep chewing........................ if a football team shows up at the field, do they win? if actors arrive at the theater, is there a play? if you go to the gym, do you get fit? NO, NO, NO. You need a playbook, script, and work-out regime. If you have a playbook, do you win the game? if you have script, is there a play? if you have a work-out regime is there fitness? NO, NO, NO.
to make anything work, you need all components. the players, the playbook and the execution of the plays. you need the actors, the script and rehearsal and execution to perform the play. to get fit, you need the gym (exercise), the regime, and you need to put in the work.
so is AA. you need the willing participant, the alcoholic. you need the playbook, script, gym equipment or in our case, the big book (12 steps). you need to do the work. get a sponsor, read the book and LIVE THE STEPS. that is how you achieve and maintain sobriety. it is a 3 legged stool that will hold us up, as long as we give purpose and meaning to each leg!
nj
had a great meeting tonight. 2 new members there. such an amazing forum. strangers walk-in and you immediately have a desire to lend a hand of help. regardless if you have a few days of sobriety or years. you are moved to help them.
if we are happy/healthy individuals, is that not something we should want to carry out in all facets of our lives? the elderly with groceries, the friend down on their luck, the republican, (just kidding) lol, need a little humor occasionally.
there was an interesting point brought up tonight at the meeting regarding AA/meetings/recovery. this is something that transcends all life. when most people think of AA meetings, they think of a place to go "get sober" or "stay sober". Chew on that for a moment..................Keep chewing........................ if a football team shows up at the field, do they win? if actors arrive at the theater, is there a play? if you go to the gym, do you get fit? NO, NO, NO. You need a playbook, script, and work-out regime. If you have a playbook, do you win the game? if you have script, is there a play? if you have a work-out regime is there fitness? NO, NO, NO.
to make anything work, you need all components. the players, the playbook and the execution of the plays. you need the actors, the script and rehearsal and execution to perform the play. to get fit, you need the gym (exercise), the regime, and you need to put in the work.
so is AA. you need the willing participant, the alcoholic. you need the playbook, script, gym equipment or in our case, the big book (12 steps). you need to do the work. get a sponsor, read the book and LIVE THE STEPS. that is how you achieve and maintain sobriety. it is a 3 legged stool that will hold us up, as long as we give purpose and meaning to each leg!
nj
Monday, March 9, 2009
rants & raves 3/9/09
hi all, so this daylight savings time bullshit. i know that it originates with the farmers or some crap from years ago, but enough already. its like the financial shit we are in. if a bank loses billions of dollars, doesn't someone gain it? or is it like when you lose your car keys. it just hasn't been found yet. if i going walking around AIG headquarters, bank of america, citigroup, well i come across a broom closest and be like jesus christ holy shit, a mop bucket with billions of dollars. son-of-a-bitch. where does the money go? where did this hour go? why don't they do it in phoenix? just doesn't make sense to me. i mean, if the money is "just on paper" or "in theory" then for christ's sake, just say you made a profit and everything is fine.
for all the people bashing, slamming, hating on obama, back off. i mean for crying out loud. i was even supportive of president bush for awhile when our country was in great despair after 9/11. give this guy a chance.
ok, got that out of my system, not even sure where the hell that came from. dancing with the stars on tonight. irony, "dancing with the stars" did you see the line-up? should be called "dancing with who?"
going to a new meeting tomorrow night and meeting with my new sponsor to start working the steps. i'm very excited about that. i can honestly say that the past 36 days have been absolutely wonderful.
there have been some anxiety filled moments, but thankfully no "white-knuckle" times or shear hell! thankful for that, but not fooling myself that they can pop-up at anytime!
i'm so thankful for my sobriety, my new open-mindedness, willingness to change/believe, and most importantly all of the new amazing people i have allowed into my life. you all have saved my life and transformed it from a state of existence, to a state of living. thank you.
nj
for all the people bashing, slamming, hating on obama, back off. i mean for crying out loud. i was even supportive of president bush for awhile when our country was in great despair after 9/11. give this guy a chance.
ok, got that out of my system, not even sure where the hell that came from. dancing with the stars on tonight. irony, "dancing with the stars" did you see the line-up? should be called "dancing with who?"
going to a new meeting tomorrow night and meeting with my new sponsor to start working the steps. i'm very excited about that. i can honestly say that the past 36 days have been absolutely wonderful.
there have been some anxiety filled moments, but thankfully no "white-knuckle" times or shear hell! thankful for that, but not fooling myself that they can pop-up at anytime!
i'm so thankful for my sobriety, my new open-mindedness, willingness to change/believe, and most importantly all of the new amazing people i have allowed into my life. you all have saved my life and transformed it from a state of existence, to a state of living. thank you.
nj
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Change, pt 2 and friends 3/7/09
gosh the lyrics from the song i blogged about still ring loudly in my head. i can't wait for the book which was inspired by the song "What I Cannot Change". I definitely think a powerful tool for all of us.
More snow on the way. Irritating, see above "what i cannot change" powerful sobriety story tonight at the meeting of 2 guys who literally saved each other's lives. so proud of them. and jo, celebrated 27 years of sobriety and one of the women she sponsors told a story of how she literally saved her life. truly amazing. truly amazing. so proud and happy to be a part of such a community of amazing people.
curious if my family member will take steps tomorrow to help them cope/understand/deal with the current alcoholic situation in the family, my brother. probably not. never did with me. denial isn't only the abuser's weapon is it?
i've done all i can do. give the little advice i know. separate from myself. remember, i cannot change that situation.
spoke to the wife of a man i met in treatment the 1st week of feb. he immersed himself into full treatment. after 2 weeks at le phillips he went to a treatment facility in tenn. for 30 days. good for him. his wife was real and raw. she is proud of him, but not sure if the damage that has been done to their marriage can be repaired. she said thanks for listening and i told her to call anytime she needed. i hope they do what is best for them.
talked to another friend of mine i met at le phillips. he has an extra challenge. his wife still drinks, drinks to get drunk. we talked tonight and confided in me that he had a relapse. felt good that he could confide in me. he got back up and is starting over. learn from this. add it as a tool.
nj
More snow on the way. Irritating, see above "what i cannot change" powerful sobriety story tonight at the meeting of 2 guys who literally saved each other's lives. so proud of them. and jo, celebrated 27 years of sobriety and one of the women she sponsors told a story of how she literally saved her life. truly amazing. truly amazing. so proud and happy to be a part of such a community of amazing people.
curious if my family member will take steps tomorrow to help them cope/understand/deal with the current alcoholic situation in the family, my brother. probably not. never did with me. denial isn't only the abuser's weapon is it?
i've done all i can do. give the little advice i know. separate from myself. remember, i cannot change that situation.
spoke to the wife of a man i met in treatment the 1st week of feb. he immersed himself into full treatment. after 2 weeks at le phillips he went to a treatment facility in tenn. for 30 days. good for him. his wife was real and raw. she is proud of him, but not sure if the damage that has been done to their marriage can be repaired. she said thanks for listening and i told her to call anytime she needed. i hope they do what is best for them.
talked to another friend of mine i met at le phillips. he has an extra challenge. his wife still drinks, drinks to get drunk. we talked tonight and confided in me that he had a relapse. felt good that he could confide in me. he got back up and is starting over. learn from this. add it as a tool.
nj
Friday, March 6, 2009
What I Cannot Change 3/6/09
ohhhhh pussy control!!!!!! ok, just kidding. saw a fantastic rendition of the vagina monologues tonight at University of Wisconsin Eau Claire. Educate yourself on V-Day awareness, the violation of women around the world, and in the Democratic Republic of Congo!!! Stop the madness.
To the beautiful people that accompanied me tonight, thank you for your friendship, wisdom, and support. You mean the world to me!
On my drive home tonight a song popped into my head with lyrics that seemed fitting for today. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and his wife and family are suffering. The irony is he doesn't desire to take steps for himself and blames her for his drinking. She doesn't want to take steps for herself and blames him for her problems.
What we know, is we can only take action for ourselves. We have to take ownership of the problems in our lives and to rid them, must follow a plan of action. These lyrics popped into my head and seemed fitting.
Principal Songwriters are Darrel Brown & LeAnn Rimes
"I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can
Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can"
To the beautiful people that accompanied me tonight, thank you for your friendship, wisdom, and support. You mean the world to me!
On my drive home tonight a song popped into my head with lyrics that seemed fitting for today. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and his wife and family are suffering. The irony is he doesn't desire to take steps for himself and blames her for his drinking. She doesn't want to take steps for herself and blames him for her problems.
What we know, is we can only take action for ourselves. We have to take ownership of the problems in our lives and to rid them, must follow a plan of action. These lyrics popped into my head and seemed fitting.
Principal Songwriters are Darrel Brown & LeAnn Rimes
"I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can
Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can"
check out the this video clip.
http://www.leannrimesworld.com/splash/splash_wicc.php
nj
Thursday, March 5, 2009
my day 3/5/09
what one hell of a day. i had an appearance in court today stemming from a driving after revocation citation stemming from operating a motor vehicle outside my permitted hours stemming from driving a vehicle with a slightly higher than level of alcohol in my blood (.34) i guess that's more than slightly higher, 4x? well. i never liked to do anything half-ass. if i do something, i do it well.
i believe that this will translate into my recovery. i'm not putting a half-ass effort into this. as in texas hold'em. i'm going all-in!
anyway. i arrive at the courthouse 15min early at 9:45 only to find the courtroom closed and lights off? hmmm, that is quite peculiar, i know judge sazama is retiring but i thought that was in a few months. i proceed to the clerk of courts office to summon the answer to this most perplexing situation.
Nicholas: "Hi, I'm scheduled to be before the judge today at 10am and it appears that court is not in session today."
Rotund Clerk: "Correct, no court today, you must have a pre-trial conference scheduled."
(from here out I will be "N" and Clerk will be "RC"
N: "I don't believe so. I had a pre-trial the 1st week of Feb." (pulls out my pocketbook to confirm 10am march 5th)
RC: What is your name sir?"
N: "Nicholas Joseph Schneider"
RC: Rapidly entering information. "Sir, there is actually a warrant for your arrest."
N: (Picking my heart up off the floor so i don't step on it and adjusting my pant leg so the shit can escape my pants) "Excuse me? For What?"
RC: "Failure to appear before the judge."
N: "That is why I'm here. To appear before the judge. Where is he?"
RC: "One moment while I get your file so we can clear this mess up."
(Translation......Stalling until the detective appears before to inform me of what is going on and gifting me a beautiful set of Cartier Silver Bracelets joined by a little silver chain. He then escorted me on a beautiful walk to this fabulous to new resort in Chippewa. The critically acclaimed CCJ Inn & Spa)
I'm thinking wtf is going on? This is shear madness. Long story short, things were resolved. I was in the wrong with transcribing the wrong date for the appearance (it was yesterday). The interesting part of the entire ordeal was I didn't get angry. I was upset and disappointed. But I remembered that I had done this to myself. This was still a ramification, a symptom of what happens when I drink. I must accept the consequences that result from the actions I made as a suffering alcoholic.
Things could have been worse. The 18-year old i sat next to during the motions in front of the judge was gifted a beautiful matching orange suit with numbers and everything on it. i believe it was gucci. (He had broken his mother's nose!)
Interesting tidbit. Had my timing been such that an alternative judge was not about to go into session, i would have spent the night in jail for failure to show to court to schedule my next court date. (that was all the hearing was for, to schedule another date to return to court) there is a man in new york who has swindled 50 billion dollars from people and has not seen the inside of a jail cell.
oh yeah, the best part! they asked if i wanted to see a public defender. (you know in movies, "you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you) with my huge income from the state of wisconsin unemployment office. aprox $200 week after taxes taken out, i make to much money to qualify for the public defender's office assistance!
nj
i believe that this will translate into my recovery. i'm not putting a half-ass effort into this. as in texas hold'em. i'm going all-in!
anyway. i arrive at the courthouse 15min early at 9:45 only to find the courtroom closed and lights off? hmmm, that is quite peculiar, i know judge sazama is retiring but i thought that was in a few months. i proceed to the clerk of courts office to summon the answer to this most perplexing situation.
Nicholas: "Hi, I'm scheduled to be before the judge today at 10am and it appears that court is not in session today."
Rotund Clerk: "Correct, no court today, you must have a pre-trial conference scheduled."
(from here out I will be "N" and Clerk will be "RC"
N: "I don't believe so. I had a pre-trial the 1st week of Feb." (pulls out my pocketbook to confirm 10am march 5th)
RC: What is your name sir?"
N: "Nicholas Joseph Schneider"
RC: Rapidly entering information. "Sir, there is actually a warrant for your arrest."
N: (Picking my heart up off the floor so i don't step on it and adjusting my pant leg so the shit can escape my pants) "Excuse me? For What?"
RC: "Failure to appear before the judge."
N: "That is why I'm here. To appear before the judge. Where is he?"
RC: "One moment while I get your file so we can clear this mess up."
(Translation......Stalling until the detective appears before to inform me of what is going on and gifting me a beautiful set of Cartier Silver Bracelets joined by a little silver chain. He then escorted me on a beautiful walk to this fabulous to new resort in Chippewa. The critically acclaimed CCJ Inn & Spa)
I'm thinking wtf is going on? This is shear madness. Long story short, things were resolved. I was in the wrong with transcribing the wrong date for the appearance (it was yesterday). The interesting part of the entire ordeal was I didn't get angry. I was upset and disappointed. But I remembered that I had done this to myself. This was still a ramification, a symptom of what happens when I drink. I must accept the consequences that result from the actions I made as a suffering alcoholic.
Things could have been worse. The 18-year old i sat next to during the motions in front of the judge was gifted a beautiful matching orange suit with numbers and everything on it. i believe it was gucci. (He had broken his mother's nose!)
Interesting tidbit. Had my timing been such that an alternative judge was not about to go into session, i would have spent the night in jail for failure to show to court to schedule my next court date. (that was all the hearing was for, to schedule another date to return to court) there is a man in new york who has swindled 50 billion dollars from people and has not seen the inside of a jail cell.
oh yeah, the best part! they asked if i wanted to see a public defender. (you know in movies, "you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you) with my huge income from the state of wisconsin unemployment office. aprox $200 week after taxes taken out, i make to much money to qualify for the public defender's office assistance!
nj
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
smiles 3/4/09
hello blog followers!
it is amazing what sunshine and "warmer" weather can do for one's spirits. excited to be working with a new sponsor and begin working the steps of the program. the first steps of a life-long journey. it fills me with optimism and excitement.
the fear of alienation that i felt a month ago has vanished. while in early recovery at le phillips i was scared and saddened that my life as i knew it was over. how would i ever make friends? what would i do for fun? what the hell? my life would be sober, but hell.
i can say happily now that the amazing people i have met, and you all know who you are, have put any of those doubts to rest. i think more importantly, those from my past that i have reconnected with, (nikki, jake, jan,) thank you for your support and friendship.
it feels good to have people want to spend time with you for who you are, not your drinking/partying abilities. people who contact you to see how you are doing, how your day is going. just awesome.
a great day, a bounce in my step, and thank you to all!
nj
it is amazing what sunshine and "warmer" weather can do for one's spirits. excited to be working with a new sponsor and begin working the steps of the program. the first steps of a life-long journey. it fills me with optimism and excitement.
the fear of alienation that i felt a month ago has vanished. while in early recovery at le phillips i was scared and saddened that my life as i knew it was over. how would i ever make friends? what would i do for fun? what the hell? my life would be sober, but hell.
i can say happily now that the amazing people i have met, and you all know who you are, have put any of those doubts to rest. i think more importantly, those from my past that i have reconnected with, (nikki, jake, jan,) thank you for your support and friendship.
it feels good to have people want to spend time with you for who you are, not your drinking/partying abilities. people who contact you to see how you are doing, how your day is going. just awesome.
a great day, a bounce in my step, and thank you to all!
nj
Monday, March 2, 2009
letter to a friend. "bonus posting"
i received an email for a dear friend and after rereading my response to her thought i would post it. hope you might get something out of it.
Hi Honey,I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Isn't there a saying about "the cream of the crop, rises to the top?" i don't know, i think you know what i mean. the true character of a person and how they can reach out and support. there have a been a small handful of people from the past 10+years, that have contacted me, offered support, encouragement and i'm grateful (definitely not surprised) that you are one of them. thank you so much for being a true friend throughout the spectrum of the nicholas joseph experience. lol. It was so nice to hear from annie, my friend laura from milwaukee (now wausau), charlotte all the way from austrailia, a few random people who have read my blog via facebook, and of course the new support network i have built here via AA in eau claire. it really has been special and an awakening i have been desperately needing. as far as franco is concerned, he has washed his hands with me i believe. the only thing he has of mine is $500. i doubt i will see that back but will keep asking every so often. i need to let that go. it hurts and i think about it often, but i have to remember that a true friend is there when times are tough, not just the blissful. i think looking back franco has always taken the blissful times. i know that for a lot of the past 10 years i've been clouded, and more often than not, not in a good place. however, i know that i'm a good person, full of compassion, love, and integrity. i'm not sure if i could say the same for him. that is not for me to decide.you can rest assured that i will not become a religious fanatic. that is part of my struggle. god as i know him. it will be baby steps. i accept god as a higher power, something greater than myself and that is for me, my support network (friends, family, aa) the energy amongst them is most certainly a power greater than myself. i know i have to turn myself over to that power as the "doing it on my own" approach of the past 10 years has not worked. i am retraining my brain to accept, believe, and have faith in things i can't necessarily see. i think i blogged about that awhile back. love, there is no proof it exists, but yet, we know it is real. for the time being, that is my connection with faith. i have to accept that it isn't necessarily tangible, but it is there. if you allow yourself, you can feel it.some self awareness that i have come to makes me chuckle. i always complimented myself on my acceptance of others and open-mindedness. i was no better than those i chastised. i was so quick to condemn and judge rather than listen. with that i apologize, i know i have been very critical, harsh, and i'm sure at times rude and belligerent toward your views (and jerry's)) with regards to your spiritual guidance you sought to instill in your children. i am sorry. i guess that is what makes the human being so incredible. our ability to change. from what i gather thus far. AA is not a program to stop drinking, rather a road map for a healthier life. my experience so far is so different than what i feared and expected. i was so afraid that i would have no friends, nothing to do, a miserable drunk who could not drink. it has been anything but that to this point. in one month i've been to 2 dances, 2 banquettes, a dinner party, game night, bowling outing and other get together's. that is pretty damn cool. and, i remember all of it!!!! and spent a lot less money!thank you again for your thoughts and support. means the world to me. i get my full driving privileges back in 2 months and plan on making a trip to milwaukee with my friend laura sometime in spring or summer, perhaps pridefest!
love you,
nicholas
nj
Hi Honey,I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Isn't there a saying about "the cream of the crop, rises to the top?" i don't know, i think you know what i mean. the true character of a person and how they can reach out and support. there have a been a small handful of people from the past 10+years, that have contacted me, offered support, encouragement and i'm grateful (definitely not surprised) that you are one of them. thank you so much for being a true friend throughout the spectrum of the nicholas joseph experience. lol. It was so nice to hear from annie, my friend laura from milwaukee (now wausau), charlotte all the way from austrailia, a few random people who have read my blog via facebook, and of course the new support network i have built here via AA in eau claire. it really has been special and an awakening i have been desperately needing. as far as franco is concerned, he has washed his hands with me i believe. the only thing he has of mine is $500. i doubt i will see that back but will keep asking every so often. i need to let that go. it hurts and i think about it often, but i have to remember that a true friend is there when times are tough, not just the blissful. i think looking back franco has always taken the blissful times. i know that for a lot of the past 10 years i've been clouded, and more often than not, not in a good place. however, i know that i'm a good person, full of compassion, love, and integrity. i'm not sure if i could say the same for him. that is not for me to decide.you can rest assured that i will not become a religious fanatic. that is part of my struggle. god as i know him. it will be baby steps. i accept god as a higher power, something greater than myself and that is for me, my support network (friends, family, aa) the energy amongst them is most certainly a power greater than myself. i know i have to turn myself over to that power as the "doing it on my own" approach of the past 10 years has not worked. i am retraining my brain to accept, believe, and have faith in things i can't necessarily see. i think i blogged about that awhile back. love, there is no proof it exists, but yet, we know it is real. for the time being, that is my connection with faith. i have to accept that it isn't necessarily tangible, but it is there. if you allow yourself, you can feel it.some self awareness that i have come to makes me chuckle. i always complimented myself on my acceptance of others and open-mindedness. i was no better than those i chastised. i was so quick to condemn and judge rather than listen. with that i apologize, i know i have been very critical, harsh, and i'm sure at times rude and belligerent toward your views (and jerry's)) with regards to your spiritual guidance you sought to instill in your children. i am sorry. i guess that is what makes the human being so incredible. our ability to change. from what i gather thus far. AA is not a program to stop drinking, rather a road map for a healthier life. my experience so far is so different than what i feared and expected. i was so afraid that i would have no friends, nothing to do, a miserable drunk who could not drink. it has been anything but that to this point. in one month i've been to 2 dances, 2 banquettes, a dinner party, game night, bowling outing and other get together's. that is pretty damn cool. and, i remember all of it!!!! and spent a lot less money!thank you again for your thoughts and support. means the world to me. i get my full driving privileges back in 2 months and plan on making a trip to milwaukee with my friend laura sometime in spring or summer, perhaps pridefest!
love you,
nicholas
nj
Sunday, March 1, 2009
1 month and rambling........3/1/09
1 month! today is 3/1/09. all be it the shortest month of the year, i have made it one month sober. in this past month i've realized and accepted that my problem is not with the bottle per say. it is the disease of alcoholism. the alcohol is a horrible symptom of that disease.
there have been great days and days where it has been a struggle. today was a day that had some anxiety and irritation in it. not for any particular reason, just things that i need to learn to let go, i can't change them, so embrace them. i can't fixate, dwell, and obsess over insignificant occurrences that are out of my control. that is a pattern that will not lend itself to healthy behavior.
i want to start working the steps and program and came to the realization today that i perhaps jumped the gun on selecting a sponsor. i don't think it will be a good fit for my growth. although he is a great guy that i hope to remain friends with. i did take steps in forging ahead with someone whom i've respected and admired since first meeting. he was immediately there with an offer of help, support, and encouragement. i hope it will be a successful relationship. interesting topic tonight at the meeting. step3.
"Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him" ."
how do you "reinvent" one's (your) interpretation of "god". for me, the word, thought, or notion of god is summed up in someone holding a sign that reads "god hates fags" or "god hates baby killers" i know that is a narrow-minded ignorant perception of god. the other thought that comes to mind is those that believe in a literal translation of the bible. parting of the seas, adam & eve, etc. i am learning that "god as i understand him" is just that, as i understand him. this can be different for everyone, everyone has different needs, desires, and direction in their life.
i know i don't have to be limited to my many years of a preconceived notion of what/whom god is. i know that. i now have to come to believe, accept, and turn myself over to it.
i think i am headed in the right direction. i feel good about it. this is a hard journey. a hard fought battle is so much more rewarding in the end.
i seek any comments/advice/insight on this!
nj
there have been great days and days where it has been a struggle. today was a day that had some anxiety and irritation in it. not for any particular reason, just things that i need to learn to let go, i can't change them, so embrace them. i can't fixate, dwell, and obsess over insignificant occurrences that are out of my control. that is a pattern that will not lend itself to healthy behavior.
i want to start working the steps and program and came to the realization today that i perhaps jumped the gun on selecting a sponsor. i don't think it will be a good fit for my growth. although he is a great guy that i hope to remain friends with. i did take steps in forging ahead with someone whom i've respected and admired since first meeting. he was immediately there with an offer of help, support, and encouragement. i hope it will be a successful relationship. interesting topic tonight at the meeting. step3.
"Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him" ."
how do you "reinvent" one's (your) interpretation of "god". for me, the word, thought, or notion of god is summed up in someone holding a sign that reads "god hates fags" or "god hates baby killers" i know that is a narrow-minded ignorant perception of god. the other thought that comes to mind is those that believe in a literal translation of the bible. parting of the seas, adam & eve, etc. i am learning that "god as i understand him" is just that, as i understand him. this can be different for everyone, everyone has different needs, desires, and direction in their life.
i know i don't have to be limited to my many years of a preconceived notion of what/whom god is. i know that. i now have to come to believe, accept, and turn myself over to it.
i think i am headed in the right direction. i feel good about it. this is a hard journey. a hard fought battle is so much more rewarding in the end.
i seek any comments/advice/insight on this!
nj
Saturday, February 28, 2009
sleepy sleep 2/28/09
just a quick one tonight, had an amazing night, um, had to stand in front of 600 people and read the 12 traditions of AA. didn't know that is what i was getting into, lol. but at least i looked good. next time i will say the "numbers" great to connect and continue to form relationships within this great fellowship.
super tired, danced a lot. now time for sleep sleep!
nj
super tired, danced a lot. now time for sleep sleep!
nj
Friday, February 27, 2009
spring awakening. 2/27/09
march is almost here, the first day of spring is merely 3 weeks away. what a great feeling that is. the return of color, vibrancy, and the rebirth of the frozen white blanketed ground begins to come alive. spring is one of my favorite times of year simply for what it symbolizes, new beginnings.
every day of our lives we have a chance to have a new beginning, a chance to turn the page. it can be little things like helping a stranger, meeting someone new, or large life changing decisions. everyday is an opportunity for a new beginning at something. an opportunity to enrich our lives for the better, educate ourselves, make ourselves whole.
with that daily opportunity also can come new opportunity for temptation, resentment, anger. we must not let these distract us from what our purpose is, from what we need, what we want. we must be cognitive aware of these. we must be able to use the new beginnings for the advancement our general well-being.
i once heard ashley judd talk about "for every ending, there is a new beginning" i have never felt or believed that more than i do now.
i can't explain how much this past month has meant for me. the incredible people i've met, the support they have given, and the genuine compassion they have touches me deeply. to all of you, thank you!
nj
every day of our lives we have a chance to have a new beginning, a chance to turn the page. it can be little things like helping a stranger, meeting someone new, or large life changing decisions. everyday is an opportunity for a new beginning at something. an opportunity to enrich our lives for the better, educate ourselves, make ourselves whole.
with that daily opportunity also can come new opportunity for temptation, resentment, anger. we must not let these distract us from what our purpose is, from what we need, what we want. we must be cognitive aware of these. we must be able to use the new beginnings for the advancement our general well-being.
i once heard ashley judd talk about "for every ending, there is a new beginning" i have never felt or believed that more than i do now.
i can't explain how much this past month has meant for me. the incredible people i've met, the support they have given, and the genuine compassion they have touches me deeply. to all of you, thank you!
nj
Thursday, February 26, 2009
snow 2/26/09
winter wonderland! what an incredible snow storm today! by incredible i mean incredibly irritating. ENOUGH already! hopefully it won't stick around long. this is wisconsin so i guess anything is possible.
its interesting. how something aesthetically beautiful, such as the abundant, large snowflakes that fell today can at the same time cause such anger, danger, and depression, for some. for others, it brings joy, happiness, a chance to let loose and play as a young child would with snow-forts, sledding. etc.
a comparison i relate to my own life and journey of recovery. the anguish, pain, depression caused to (by) me with the bottle (and snow....."special" snow) is the same, joy, happiness, relaxation created by the bottle for so many.
for about aprox. 85 - 90 percent of society this is exactly what the bottle is for them. a moderation of snow. enough to build a snowman, go sledding, have a harmless snowball fight. take to the trails with friends and family on their snowmobiles. a chance to create some of their very best memories. they are able to take that bottle and pour themselves just enough, a responsible amount to maximize the joy in their life. they are able to appreciate the beauty, that for many people is created or enhanced by the bottle.
then, there is me......... i simply don't believe in a dusting of snow or a small amount of accumulation. for me, it is a blizzard of epic per portions. the consumption level is so high that systems begin to shut down. my electricity goes out, my internal policing is unable to handle the volume, my rationality is "snowed" in. i become paralyzed with fear. i give up hope on ever being able to get out from the mounds of snow and succumb to the notion that i am inevitably trapped.
that is how my life has been for the past 10 years. one large blizzard. destruction, damage, hopelessness, despair. on 1/31/09 i made the decision to buy a shovel. on 2/1/09 i began to use that shovel. each day, i removed a little bit more of this mound of snow that has accumulated over the past 10 years. the amazing thing is that those around me see "activity" for the past 10 years, there hasn't been any. the first thing that those around have done is pick up a shovel and lend a hand to help me remove this large pile of poo.
i've allowed new people to help too. how amazing is it when you allow yourself to be helped. when you acknowledge and embrace that you can't do this alone, people are there to help, lean on, support. absolutely incredible.
i know that each day i will have to work at removing this "snow" from my life, but it will get to a point, i hope, where it will be a much less daunting task than when i began on 2/1/09.
nj
its interesting. how something aesthetically beautiful, such as the abundant, large snowflakes that fell today can at the same time cause such anger, danger, and depression, for some. for others, it brings joy, happiness, a chance to let loose and play as a young child would with snow-forts, sledding. etc.
a comparison i relate to my own life and journey of recovery. the anguish, pain, depression caused to (by) me with the bottle (and snow....."special" snow) is the same, joy, happiness, relaxation created by the bottle for so many.
for about aprox. 85 - 90 percent of society this is exactly what the bottle is for them. a moderation of snow. enough to build a snowman, go sledding, have a harmless snowball fight. take to the trails with friends and family on their snowmobiles. a chance to create some of their very best memories. they are able to take that bottle and pour themselves just enough, a responsible amount to maximize the joy in their life. they are able to appreciate the beauty, that for many people is created or enhanced by the bottle.
then, there is me......... i simply don't believe in a dusting of snow or a small amount of accumulation. for me, it is a blizzard of epic per portions. the consumption level is so high that systems begin to shut down. my electricity goes out, my internal policing is unable to handle the volume, my rationality is "snowed" in. i become paralyzed with fear. i give up hope on ever being able to get out from the mounds of snow and succumb to the notion that i am inevitably trapped.
that is how my life has been for the past 10 years. one large blizzard. destruction, damage, hopelessness, despair. on 1/31/09 i made the decision to buy a shovel. on 2/1/09 i began to use that shovel. each day, i removed a little bit more of this mound of snow that has accumulated over the past 10 years. the amazing thing is that those around me see "activity" for the past 10 years, there hasn't been any. the first thing that those around have done is pick up a shovel and lend a hand to help me remove this large pile of poo.
i've allowed new people to help too. how amazing is it when you allow yourself to be helped. when you acknowledge and embrace that you can't do this alone, people are there to help, lean on, support. absolutely incredible.
i know that each day i will have to work at removing this "snow" from my life, but it will get to a point, i hope, where it will be a much less daunting task than when i began on 2/1/09.
nj
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
i hope 2/24/09
i have more hope now than i've had in a long time, perhaps.....ever. i have hope for myself. the feelings of despair, anguish, and loneliness are eroding as seeds of growth, self-awareness, fulfilment, and happiness are in the infant stage of taking root. i have hope that as i look towards the future, the actions i take in "the now" will lend its capable hand to a rich and just future. i have hope that i will take with me, these life lessons and use them for a greater purpose, a greater cause that i hope, will bring hope, to others. i hope that many years from now i will look back at this defining time in my life and not hope, but be grateful at the actions i'm taking in "the now" will do, just that.
"i hope" is, after all, an easy notion to borrow and tag along with in these tough economic time. much like my personal journey and growth, i have more hope now that i have ever had in my lifetime in my government, and most importantly in my president. i'm sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that i was an ardent supporter of President Obama. what i saw, heard, and felt on his address to congress and the world, was what i feel has been missing for sometime, a leader.
nj
"i hope" is, after all, an easy notion to borrow and tag along with in these tough economic time. much like my personal journey and growth, i have more hope now that i have ever had in my lifetime in my government, and most importantly in my president. i'm sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that i was an ardent supporter of President Obama. what i saw, heard, and felt on his address to congress and the world, was what i feel has been missing for sometime, a leader.
nj
Monday, February 23, 2009
hypocrisy and "the now" 2/23/09
hi everyone! well, i have no idea what to type about tonight so here it goes....... i had a facebook argument tonight with someone who was slamming michael phelps to the core, role model this, drugs that, give back the medals, etc.
i find this so interesting. here is someone who never sought the spotlight, but as a young child, found therapy in swimming. he just happened to be extremely gifted and put in thousands of hours of training. he happen to excel. every 4 years the world pays attention to a sport that otherwise, no one cares about. you could name multiple football players, baseball, basketball, movie stars, musicians, politicians, but how many swimmers can you name?
furthermore, how many of the above have done something "wrong?" our last 3 presidents have admitted to using "drugs" are they no longer role models? how many parent have done something they are ashamed of, illegal, irresponsible? are they no longer role models?
michael phelps admitted he made a mistake. that to me is quite commendable and worthy of role model status. "A" Rod admitted he doped then only gave half truths? the scrutiny he is under is nil compared to that of phelps.
phelps is after all a young man in his early 20's who is still growing, hell, i'm 30 and just learning how to be an adult. he is a swimmer. he wasn't elected to office to hold the public's trust, safety, and enforcement of laws. he is a swimmer.
the hypocrisy of many in our society amazes me. he made a mistake, he admitted it.
why does it seem the ones that shout the loudest over this "despicable" behavior are often using that to mask their own short-comings?
there is really only one truth in life. that is "the now" we should never shut the door on the past, we need to acknowledge it, embrace it, learn from it. we should use that to make the very best of "the now" and hopefully, that will allow us a better "tomorrow" but the only one truth, is "the now"
nj
i find this so interesting. here is someone who never sought the spotlight, but as a young child, found therapy in swimming. he just happened to be extremely gifted and put in thousands of hours of training. he happen to excel. every 4 years the world pays attention to a sport that otherwise, no one cares about. you could name multiple football players, baseball, basketball, movie stars, musicians, politicians, but how many swimmers can you name?
furthermore, how many of the above have done something "wrong?" our last 3 presidents have admitted to using "drugs" are they no longer role models? how many parent have done something they are ashamed of, illegal, irresponsible? are they no longer role models?
michael phelps admitted he made a mistake. that to me is quite commendable and worthy of role model status. "A" Rod admitted he doped then only gave half truths? the scrutiny he is under is nil compared to that of phelps.
phelps is after all a young man in his early 20's who is still growing, hell, i'm 30 and just learning how to be an adult. he is a swimmer. he wasn't elected to office to hold the public's trust, safety, and enforcement of laws. he is a swimmer.
the hypocrisy of many in our society amazes me. he made a mistake, he admitted it.
why does it seem the ones that shout the loudest over this "despicable" behavior are often using that to mask their own short-comings?
there is really only one truth in life. that is "the now" we should never shut the door on the past, we need to acknowledge it, embrace it, learn from it. we should use that to make the very best of "the now" and hopefully, that will allow us a better "tomorrow" but the only one truth, is "the now"
nj
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Oscars! 2/22/09
hi everyone! i have to think how wonderful it was tonight to see openly gay writer Dustin Lance Black accept the award for his script "Milk" to hear him openly acknowledge the rights that ought/should/need to be granted to all Americans was fantastic. To have that followed up by the amazingly talented Sean Penn was a great day for Americans, especially gay Americans. There is hope!
21 days of sobriety! thanks to all of you for your support, encouragement, and love. To all of my new friends in AA and my friends/family that have always supported me, thank you so much for helping me get my life back.
it feels great to be living, not existing.
with love,
nj
21 days of sobriety! thanks to all of you for your support, encouragement, and love. To all of my new friends in AA and my friends/family that have always supported me, thank you so much for helping me get my life back.
it feels great to be living, not existing.
with love,
nj
Saturday, February 21, 2009
toxic friendships 2/21/09
hi everyone. thanks for sticking around, i took a couple of days off. but i'm doing well. 20 days of sobriety! feels good to be living and not existing!
remember when you first met a someone who later became a friend or significant other and ended up becoming toxic? i think all of us has met someone and instantly there was a connection unlike any other. remember the times when you would laugh until your stomach ached like an afternoon of 1000 crunches. there were times when with your friend you would cry your eyes dry. of course all the times in between. the beginning stages with the new best friend are incredibly wonderful. can't imagine your life without them.
then something happens. your other friends and family are worried because you spend so much time with your new friend. you begin to ignore the other people you care about so much because this friend has mesmerized you that they are your top priority. you begin to resent your other friends and family. why can't they understand how great your new friend is. this friend understands you unlike anyone else ever has. i mean fuck, why can't they get that?
time continues and there are times where you think maybe i do spend too much time with this friend but it seems to be always fun. you get so comfortable with your friend that you start doing things that you wouldn't normally do and sometimes get into a little trouble. you decide that maybe you do need a little break from your friend and stay away for a while. while away though, your thoughts are just consumed by missing them. you make the call and pick up right were you left off.
this time though, you jump head first, with your friend 24/7. you continue this pattern for a long time. your other friends and family are worried that your life revolves around this friend and you grow resentment for them for interfering with your life.
it gets to the point where you have said "fuck it" if they don't understand, i don't need them and it is just you and your friend. you have shut everyone else out. you continue this for awhile until you finally look at your friend and you say "fuck you". you have ruined my life. you have made the decision to finally cut that "toxic" friend from your life. they have damaged you.
that is my story, not sure if you can relate. toxic friendships can ruin you. oh, my friends name by the way was............alcohol.
nj
remember when you first met a someone who later became a friend or significant other and ended up becoming toxic? i think all of us has met someone and instantly there was a connection unlike any other. remember the times when you would laugh until your stomach ached like an afternoon of 1000 crunches. there were times when with your friend you would cry your eyes dry. of course all the times in between. the beginning stages with the new best friend are incredibly wonderful. can't imagine your life without them.
then something happens. your other friends and family are worried because you spend so much time with your new friend. you begin to ignore the other people you care about so much because this friend has mesmerized you that they are your top priority. you begin to resent your other friends and family. why can't they understand how great your new friend is. this friend understands you unlike anyone else ever has. i mean fuck, why can't they get that?
time continues and there are times where you think maybe i do spend too much time with this friend but it seems to be always fun. you get so comfortable with your friend that you start doing things that you wouldn't normally do and sometimes get into a little trouble. you decide that maybe you do need a little break from your friend and stay away for a while. while away though, your thoughts are just consumed by missing them. you make the call and pick up right were you left off.
this time though, you jump head first, with your friend 24/7. you continue this pattern for a long time. your other friends and family are worried that your life revolves around this friend and you grow resentment for them for interfering with your life.
it gets to the point where you have said "fuck it" if they don't understand, i don't need them and it is just you and your friend. you have shut everyone else out. you continue this for awhile until you finally look at your friend and you say "fuck you". you have ruined my life. you have made the decision to finally cut that "toxic" friend from your life. they have damaged you.
that is my story, not sure if you can relate. toxic friendships can ruin you. oh, my friends name by the way was............alcohol.
nj
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
weirdos 2/17/09
"are there a lot of weirdos there?" my brother asks me referring to my new family of AA. My first reaction was defensive and argumentative. i replied, only as weird as me. that comment floated around in my head for the past few days, not as something that angered me, but rather provoked thought.
i guess, one could say yes, we are a bunch of "weirdos" "freaks" "abnormals" what "regular" people are comfortable enough to get together with people from all backgrounds, and share themselves openly, honestly, and spiritually. that is pretty damn weird. what other group of people get together without issue, drama, and without self-indulgence? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and immediately reach out a hand of friendship, encouragement, and support? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and welcome you back even if you have slipped and failed? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together simply for the good of the group without a hidden agenda? that is damn weird.
people's perception of AA and alcoholics (sometimes ever our own) is most fascinating. my brother by the way is a fellow alcoholic who like most of us "can control his drinking if he wanted to". that is his issue though, not mine. i'm grateful for his comment for it made me appreciate just how "weird" i am.
nj
i guess, one could say yes, we are a bunch of "weirdos" "freaks" "abnormals" what "regular" people are comfortable enough to get together with people from all backgrounds, and share themselves openly, honestly, and spiritually. that is pretty damn weird. what other group of people get together without issue, drama, and without self-indulgence? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and immediately reach out a hand of friendship, encouragement, and support? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and welcome you back even if you have slipped and failed? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together simply for the good of the group without a hidden agenda? that is damn weird.
people's perception of AA and alcoholics (sometimes ever our own) is most fascinating. my brother by the way is a fellow alcoholic who like most of us "can control his drinking if he wanted to". that is his issue though, not mine. i'm grateful for his comment for it made me appreciate just how "weird" i am.
nj
Monday, February 16, 2009
beliefs? 2/16/09
last night i was reading a chapter in the big book (the bible of AA) aimed directly at atheists, which i've always considered myself to be. the program talks a lot about surrendering to a higher power and "god as we know him". that topic i will discuss further down the road but something struck a chord with me that has me thinking about other "beliefs and facts"
if we can't see it, does it therefore not exist? if science can't prove it, does it therefore not exist? if that is true, are feelings, emotions, moods not real?
do i believe in the literal translation of the bible? no, not at this time. do i believe there is a power greater than me? absolutely.
let us not limit ourselves to believe what we can only see/touch. for if that were the case, we wouldn't know love.
nj
if we can't see it, does it therefore not exist? if science can't prove it, does it therefore not exist? if that is true, are feelings, emotions, moods not real?
do i believe in the literal translation of the bible? no, not at this time. do i believe there is a power greater than me? absolutely.
let us not limit ourselves to believe what we can only see/touch. for if that were the case, we wouldn't know love.
nj
Sunday, February 15, 2009
quickie! 2/15/09
what a week it has been! to everyone who has reached out this past week and offered the support and encouragement, my sincerest gratitude. i can feel your strength and support and greatly appreciate it.
the journey has begun and i've taken that next step of acquiring a sponsor that i know will hold my feet to the fire and mentor me through the program and 12 steps. i'm excited to begin to deal with the disease. although i haven't had a drink for 2 weeks, the real work begins now, dealing with the disease. drinking is a nasty side effect of the disease. now the tough inner-work must begin.
i hope for those of you that read the blogs this past week have enjoyed. if you think you know anyone that might enjoy/benefit from reading them, feel free to pass them along. you can also click on the follow blog button to receive automatic updates.
my thoughts go out to all the loved ones who suffered a loss in the horrible plane crash! keep the strength and remember the love.
nj
the journey has begun and i've taken that next step of acquiring a sponsor that i know will hold my feet to the fire and mentor me through the program and 12 steps. i'm excited to begin to deal with the disease. although i haven't had a drink for 2 weeks, the real work begins now, dealing with the disease. drinking is a nasty side effect of the disease. now the tough inner-work must begin.
i hope for those of you that read the blogs this past week have enjoyed. if you think you know anyone that might enjoy/benefit from reading them, feel free to pass them along. you can also click on the follow blog button to receive automatic updates.
my thoughts go out to all the loved ones who suffered a loss in the horrible plane crash! keep the strength and remember the love.
nj
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day!! 2/14/09
it occurred to me today, that this is my 1st valentine's day as a single guy in 10 years. it was pretty much the same as the past 10 years. why do we need a "day" to show our love and appreciation for the special someone in our life? what have we come to, that we have to be reminded to do something extra sweet, extra nice, extra loving? why not do that for the person you love on may 7th? wouldn't it mean a little something more than on the day when you are suppose to? i don't know, just a thought.
i have 2 weeks of sobriety under my belt, a small, incremental step, but a big one indeed. i hope with the strength and up support of my family, friends, and new friends that it will continue to be a successful journey.
i'm taking the first step to start working the 12 steps tomorrow by meeting with whom should be my sponsor. i think he will be a huge help in this recovery process.
i did something tonight i never thought possible. i danced, danced, and danced some more. oh, i was sober!
happy valentines day everyone!
nj
i have 2 weeks of sobriety under my belt, a small, incremental step, but a big one indeed. i hope with the strength and up support of my family, friends, and new friends that it will continue to be a successful journey.
i'm taking the first step to start working the 12 steps tomorrow by meeting with whom should be my sponsor. i think he will be a huge help in this recovery process.
i did something tonight i never thought possible. i danced, danced, and danced some more. oh, i was sober!
happy valentines day everyone!
nj
Friday, February 13, 2009
free association blogging 2/13/09
no major thoughts coming to mind. today was a really good day. its difficult for me to explain, or put in words, i feel good, i feel good about feeling good. a small sense or pride and self-respect has been planted in my spirit and i want to nourish that so it grows and blossoms like it never has before.
i had a disagreement with a relative today and it was empowering for me to accept "those are her issues" i already have my 2 bag limit for this flight, i can't carry hers. she needs to check some of that baggage or repack it so she can manage it herself, i can't take that on and i'm ok with that.
i was invited to a dinner with some wonderful new people that i've met through AA and met new people at the dinner. it was wonderful to have such a sense of belonging. i haven't felt that in a long time. it was great to share stories and feel the strength and support as we all shared.
one of my biggest fears of sobriety is "what the hell would i do?" how could i possibly have a life? having involved myself in these groups this past week is like looking at a brochure for a fantastic vacation resort and i can't wait to not visit there, but move there. it feels good to be living, rather than simply existing.
have a happy valentine's day!
nj
i had a disagreement with a relative today and it was empowering for me to accept "those are her issues" i already have my 2 bag limit for this flight, i can't carry hers. she needs to check some of that baggage or repack it so she can manage it herself, i can't take that on and i'm ok with that.
i was invited to a dinner with some wonderful new people that i've met through AA and met new people at the dinner. it was wonderful to have such a sense of belonging. i haven't felt that in a long time. it was great to share stories and feel the strength and support as we all shared.
one of my biggest fears of sobriety is "what the hell would i do?" how could i possibly have a life? having involved myself in these groups this past week is like looking at a brochure for a fantastic vacation resort and i can't wait to not visit there, but move there. it feels good to be living, rather than simply existing.
have a happy valentine's day!
nj
Thursday, February 12, 2009
pondering......... 2/12/09
purpose? what is the purpose of something, anything, everything? if we think literally everything has a purpose doesn't it? car= mode of transportation, glass= a vessel to contain a liquid, toothbrush= clean our teeth, bed= a place to sleep.
is that really the purpose for these items? think of all the other "purposes" those things can be used for. purpose is completely relative. purpose is subjective. purpose is what you want the purpose to be. for some a car may not be modes of transportation, but a place to live or a hobby, a glass may be used as a vase for flowers or a weapon to throw. a toothbrush may be used to clean the floor or a luxury item for those without, a bed can be a place to meditate and share our most intimate experiences with. purpose is what you want it to be.
with that said, what is our purpose? the answer is different for everybody, but the difficult task is to truly absorb and think about your purpose. my dad would say his purpose is to provide a decent wage for his family and wife and be able to retire in two years so he and my mom can travel the country. is that his purpose? or is that his existence? that is for him to answer. what is my purpose? i don't know yet. what i do know is that i'm beginning a journey that will help me to consciously be aware of that question, embrace it and embark on a journey to fulfill it. for that i am very optimistic and excited.
on a completely different note, new season of survivor starts tonight, just popped some popcorn and can't wait for the backstabbing to begin!
nj
is that really the purpose for these items? think of all the other "purposes" those things can be used for. purpose is completely relative. purpose is subjective. purpose is what you want the purpose to be. for some a car may not be modes of transportation, but a place to live or a hobby, a glass may be used as a vase for flowers or a weapon to throw. a toothbrush may be used to clean the floor or a luxury item for those without, a bed can be a place to meditate and share our most intimate experiences with. purpose is what you want it to be.
with that said, what is our purpose? the answer is different for everybody, but the difficult task is to truly absorb and think about your purpose. my dad would say his purpose is to provide a decent wage for his family and wife and be able to retire in two years so he and my mom can travel the country. is that his purpose? or is that his existence? that is for him to answer. what is my purpose? i don't know yet. what i do know is that i'm beginning a journey that will help me to consciously be aware of that question, embrace it and embark on a journey to fulfill it. for that i am very optimistic and excited.
on a completely different note, new season of survivor starts tonight, just popped some popcorn and can't wait for the backstabbing to begin!
nj
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