snow 2/26/09

winter wonderland! what an incredible snow storm today! by incredible i mean incredibly irritating. ENOUGH already! hopefully it won't stick around long. this is wisconsin so i guess anything is possible.

its interesting. how something aesthetically beautiful, such as the abundant, large snowflakes that fell today can at the same time cause such anger, danger, and depression, for some. for others, it brings joy, happiness, a chance to let loose and play as a young child would with snow-forts, sledding. etc.

a comparison i relate to my own life and journey of recovery. the anguish, pain, depression caused to (by) me with the bottle (and snow....."special" snow) is the same, joy, happiness, relaxation created by the bottle for so many.

for about aprox. 85 - 90 percent of society this is exactly what the bottle is for them. a moderation of snow. enough to build a snowman, go sledding, have a harmless snowball fight. take to the trails with friends and family on their snowmobiles. a chance to create some of their very best memories. they are able to take that bottle and pour themselves just enough, a responsible amount to maximize the joy in their life. they are able to appreciate the beauty, that for many people is created or enhanced by the bottle.

then, there is me......... i simply don't believe in a dusting of snow or a small amount of accumulation. for me, it is a blizzard of epic per portions. the consumption level is so high that systems begin to shut down. my electricity goes out, my internal policing is unable to handle the volume, my rationality is "snowed" in. i become paralyzed with fear. i give up hope on ever being able to get out from the mounds of snow and succumb to the notion that i am inevitably trapped.

that is how my life has been for the past 10 years. one large blizzard. destruction, damage, hopelessness, despair. on 1/31/09 i made the decision to buy a shovel. on 2/1/09 i began to use that shovel. each day, i removed a little bit more of this mound of snow that has accumulated over the past 10 years. the amazing thing is that those around me see "activity" for the past 10 years, there hasn't been any. the first thing that those around have done is pick up a shovel and lend a hand to help me remove this large pile of poo.

i've allowed new people to help too. how amazing is it when you allow yourself to be helped. when you acknowledge and embrace that you can't do this alone, people are there to help, lean on, support. absolutely incredible.

i know that each day i will have to work at removing this "snow" from my life, but it will get to a point, i hope, where it will be a much less daunting task than when i began on 2/1/09.

nj