path of destruction 2/10/09

ironic today that tornadoes swept across parts of the midwest, unusual for this time of year. tonight i went to a meeting i was required to attend as part of a provision to have my full driving privileges reinstated.

last october (2008) my actions warranted an issuance of an OUI. part of the process to get my license back was to attend this "impact" panel. there were 3 speakers, one gentleman who had killed someone while driving drunk, another who nearly died himself, and finally a woman whose family had been destroyed when a drunk driver killed her husband (it was himself)

after reflecting on what they had to say it hit me like sharp right hook from Oscar de la Hoya. it wasn't until listening to the three of them tell their stories that what we are as alcoholics is eerily similar to hurricanes and tornadoes.

alcoholics make up arguably about 15% of the population, so by any quantitative standard, not the normal. it takes the "right" combination of dna, predisposition and other factors to fall into this category and when all of that combines just "right" we form the devastation of an alcoholic. i, for one, would be an f5 tornado or category 5 hurricane.

i realized listening tonight that although i was damaging myself by self-induced intoxication, much like a strong storm, i have the ability to return to calm and heal myself. i have the ability to make amends and find inner peace just as the atmosphere does after a tornado or the seas do after a hurricane.

the real healing process begins when i look behind me at the devastation i caused along the way. the wake of my path is miles wide and 10 years long. listening to the speaker tonight how her world was flipped upside down because of the actions of her late husband brought to life just how much my using has affected all the people in my life, loved ones and strangers. i think that it is with this knowledge that i can find strength and purpose that this isn't just about me, but rather us as a people.

this is relevant to all of us, not just those of us in recovery, but all of us that have made mistakes, have regrets, live with shame, we don't have to live in the past, acknowledge it yes, but not live there. it is like the devastation of a storm, when it leaves, the destruction can be widespread, the hurt can run deep, the pain perhaps unmeasurable. the human spirit is resilient. we can rebuild, we can reconnect, we can thrive again, we can love again. it does not come easy. it does not come quickly. but it will come. if we want it. if we work at it. if we believe it.

if we can hurt people that much, we most certainly can love them that much.

nj