1 month and rambling........3/1/09

1 month! today is 3/1/09. all be it the shortest month of the year, i have made it one month sober. in this past month i've realized and accepted that my problem is not with the bottle per say. it is the disease of alcoholism. the alcohol is a horrible symptom of that disease.

there have been great days and days where it has been a struggle. today was a day that had some anxiety and irritation in it. not for any particular reason, just things that i need to learn to let go, i can't change them, so embrace them. i can't fixate, dwell, and obsess over insignificant occurrences that are out of my control. that is a pattern that will not lend itself to healthy behavior.

i want to start working the steps and program and came to the realization today that i perhaps jumped the gun on selecting a sponsor. i don't think it will be a good fit for my growth. although he is a great guy that i hope to remain friends with. i did take steps in forging ahead with someone whom i've respected and admired since first meeting. he was immediately there with an offer of help, support, and encouragement. i hope it will be a successful relationship. interesting topic tonight at the meeting. step3.

"Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him" ."

how do you "reinvent" one's (your) interpretation of "god". for me, the word, thought, or notion of god is summed up in someone holding a sign that reads "god hates fags" or "god hates baby killers" i know that is a narrow-minded ignorant perception of god. the other thought that comes to mind is those that believe in a literal translation of the bible. parting of the seas, adam & eve, etc. i am learning that "god as i understand him" is just that, as i understand him. this can be different for everyone, everyone has different needs, desires, and direction in their life.

i know i don't have to be limited to my many years of a preconceived notion of what/whom god is. i know that. i now have to come to believe, accept, and turn myself over to it.

i think i am headed in the right direction. i feel good about it. this is a hard journey. a hard fought battle is so much more rewarding in the end.

i seek any comments/advice/insight on this!

nj