letter to a friend. "bonus posting"

i received an email for a dear friend and after rereading my response to her thought i would post it. hope you might get something out of it.

Hi Honey,I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Isn't there a saying about "the cream of the crop, rises to the top?" i don't know, i think you know what i mean. the true character of a person and how they can reach out and support. there have a been a small handful of people from the past 10+years, that have contacted me, offered support, encouragement and i'm grateful (definitely not surprised) that you are one of them. thank you so much for being a true friend throughout the spectrum of the nicholas joseph experience. lol. It was so nice to hear from annie, my friend laura from milwaukee (now wausau), charlotte all the way from austrailia, a few random people who have read my blog via facebook, and of course the new support network i have built here via AA in eau claire. it really has been special and an awakening i have been desperately needing. as far as franco is concerned, he has washed his hands with me i believe. the only thing he has of mine is $500. i doubt i will see that back but will keep asking every so often. i need to let that go. it hurts and i think about it often, but i have to remember that a true friend is there when times are tough, not just the blissful. i think looking back franco has always taken the blissful times. i know that for a lot of the past 10 years i've been clouded, and more often than not, not in a good place. however, i know that i'm a good person, full of compassion, love, and integrity. i'm not sure if i could say the same for him. that is not for me to decide.you can rest assured that i will not become a religious fanatic. that is part of my struggle. god as i know him. it will be baby steps. i accept god as a higher power, something greater than myself and that is for me, my support network (friends, family, aa) the energy amongst them is most certainly a power greater than myself. i know i have to turn myself over to that power as the "doing it on my own" approach of the past 10 years has not worked. i am retraining my brain to accept, believe, and have faith in things i can't necessarily see. i think i blogged about that awhile back. love, there is no proof it exists, but yet, we know it is real. for the time being, that is my connection with faith. i have to accept that it isn't necessarily tangible, but it is there. if you allow yourself, you can feel it.some self awareness that i have come to makes me chuckle. i always complimented myself on my acceptance of others and open-mindedness. i was no better than those i chastised. i was so quick to condemn and judge rather than listen. with that i apologize, i know i have been very critical, harsh, and i'm sure at times rude and belligerent toward your views (and jerry's)) with regards to your spiritual guidance you sought to instill in your children. i am sorry. i guess that is what makes the human being so incredible. our ability to change. from what i gather thus far. AA is not a program to stop drinking, rather a road map for a healthier life. my experience so far is so different than what i feared and expected. i was so afraid that i would have no friends, nothing to do, a miserable drunk who could not drink. it has been anything but that to this point. in one month i've been to 2 dances, 2 banquettes, a dinner party, game night, bowling outing and other get together's. that is pretty damn cool. and, i remember all of it!!!! and spent a lot less money!thank you again for your thoughts and support. means the world to me. i get my full driving privileges back in 2 months and plan on making a trip to milwaukee with my friend laura sometime in spring or summer, perhaps pridefest!

love you,
nicholas

nj