"the now" revisited........3/16/09

wow, so, i've had this idea floating around in my head for a few days, but it just didn't feel right to blog without reason. saturday morning, while sitting in group dynamics class and thinking about all that has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. i was scribbling on my books and looked down and had written "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is what I want it to be". i don't know if i heard this somewhere, read it somewhere, i'm sure as hell positive i didn't create it, so props to whomever came up with it.

it is so true. i've referred to this in the past with my blogs, talking about "the now" today is sort of a rough day for me. for the first time i came to another level of enlightenment. i became irritated today, with work, traffic, the old lady in front of me. i then realized, i was working through life. for the past 10 years i have been intoxicated or immediately turned to that as soon as something began to unnerve me.

for the first time, in a long time, i had to stand facing life. what the fuck? do people really deal with this shit on daily basis? no wonder we are at war, out of money, and can't agree on anything. right? well, no, that of course is no excuse.

i have some new friends who are in need and was able to help them out today and they were able to help me as well. i can't drive on monday nights and really needed to go to a meeting and they were able to make that happen, and i was able to help them.

which then leads back to "the now" when something new happens in your life it seems that one, or at least me, instinctively thinks about "well, what will this look like 5 years from now?" this simple, potentially beautiful thing then becomes complicated. god damn why do i do this to myself? thanks to my friend sue for reminded me that friendships, no matter on what level should be valued, and should not be shied away from because perhaps this a potential there for more than a friendship. i don't know if that is what will happen in this situation, but there is certainly "a giddy" feeling that i haven't felt in sometime.

i hope to continue to explore options and proceed with caution, but not barricade the heart either.

remember the past, enjoy "the now", and be ready for, not live for; tomorrow.

nj