wow, time is so relative isn't it? that last five minutes before you get to leave work for the day, the length of a red light? when you are waiting on news that can change your life. that time never seems to end, each second ticks by like a painful sliver slowly being pulled out, slowly moving like days of december for a child waiting for xmas, slowly moving like me waiting for the end of the bush administration. lol. Have to have some humor right?
the length of an exhilarating roller coaster, watching your precious child grow, our actual time on earth. this time flies by in the blink of an eye. why is this? the reality, of course, is time is time is time. the pendulum doesn't actually change depending on our life's circumstances. what happens in our cognitive thinking that makes the "length" of time seem to have such disparity?
i was hoping to have some magical answer, but i don't. i'm approaching 2 months in recovery and it has flown by. it has gone by so quick. i truly can't believe it. i hope it means that life's true treasures, parts of life that we really enjoy do race by us, so enjoy it while we can, if that is the case, sobriety is the best ride at the amusement park. and the agony and length of days while drinking is similar to that sliver being pulled out then there is no doubt that the right decision has been made.
i worry about my brother. he is an alcoholic who is about to lose his wife, his home and any sense of himself. should i talk to him over lunch? see where his head is at? not sure. i pray that his awakening is sooner than later, but that path is different for all of us.
nj
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
bowling 3/27/09
i am so grateful for the friendships i have made and for the incredible opportunity to do things like the bowling event tonight. i know to many people, this may seem incredibly odd, but to have and event planned, show up, and do it without worries of what my behavior will be like because of alcohol or if i would be to fucked up to even go is absolutely awesome.
i even bowled 3 games over 100. 166, 128,134. Never in my life have i done that! to molly, gabe, and jackie, you guys rock! thanks for being my anchor! ebony, you gave a new meaning to "bromance" i can't wait to get the pics since they aren't on my camera. i'm glad the turn out was awesome. Like 20+ people. that is very cool.
my dear friend charlotte is back in the states after an extended trip to the land down under and even though she is a few miles away, it feels so good to have her home. have missed the freedom of being able to talk to her on a regular basis. love you girl!
thank you all so much for your support and strength. keep reading.
nj
i even bowled 3 games over 100. 166, 128,134. Never in my life have i done that! to molly, gabe, and jackie, you guys rock! thanks for being my anchor! ebony, you gave a new meaning to "bromance" i can't wait to get the pics since they aren't on my camera. i'm glad the turn out was awesome. Like 20+ people. that is very cool.
my dear friend charlotte is back in the states after an extended trip to the land down under and even though she is a few miles away, it feels so good to have her home. have missed the freedom of being able to talk to her on a regular basis. love you girl!
thank you all so much for your support and strength. keep reading.
nj
Thursday, March 26, 2009
thursday 3/26/09
yippee friday is here! ok, wow. so what a week it has been! car issues, money is being sent to me and EVEN MORE $ is going out. i guess that is how it works huh? i have to say, that with all of that, today was just fantastic.
if i have said it once, a million times over, i'm so thankful for the incredible love and support, strength and hope, and sense of belonging i receive from the people i meet with 3 - 5 times a week. words can't summarize. thank you.
so excited for the 1st annual nicholas joseph bowling experience tomorrow night! (friday) pictures to come!
wow, anyone see adam lambert on idol this week? incredible. the boy can sing!
speak to you all soon!
nj
if i have said it once, a million times over, i'm so thankful for the incredible love and support, strength and hope, and sense of belonging i receive from the people i meet with 3 - 5 times a week. words can't summarize. thank you.
so excited for the 1st annual nicholas joseph bowling experience tomorrow night! (friday) pictures to come!
wow, anyone see adam lambert on idol this week? incredible. the boy can sing!
speak to you all soon!
nj
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
damn what a rainy dreary day! spring has to be here, we just have to find where it is hiding. Oh well, i guess when the beautiful weather finally arrives we appreciate it all that much more. ( is that proper grammar? oh well, that is why this is unfiltered blog!)
well, somethings about sobriety. time to take ownership in previous "lack of responsibility" let me just say, that the us government subsidized most of my early 20's via student loans. this allowed me to travel, buy lots of things, and party like a rockstar! i then drank and partied to oblivion and said "to hell with these lil letters from direct loans, file them in the trash."
guess what? time for me to help pay my share of the federal government bank bailout, i guess to pay for this bail-out, they are collecting on loans owed from students. so, with a clear head, and a desire to step up and be accountable. i'm going to move forward to begin to get right with them. it will suck financially, it is a hefty monthly payment. i could be driving a new mercedes (fully loaded) but i must take ownership and make it right.
eveyone else i owe, to the end of the line! lookin forward to the non-sanctioned aa bowling event my friend my jackie and i have put together this friday night. i will be thinking of my dear friend jane-o who gave me the most stylish bowling ball ever! (too bad she didn't give me any of her skills!) i think the only person i could possibly beat is President Obama!
sometimes our actions/interactions don't always match our intent. this is human nature. when this happens, we must be aware where we were misunderstood, do our best to explain our intent, acknowledge the possibility of the errors we may have made, apologize and hopefully move forward with all parties feeling better and growing from the experience.
i need to remind myself, allow myself to feel even when those feelings hurt. allow myself to live, even when living is hard. this is life.
nj
well, somethings about sobriety. time to take ownership in previous "lack of responsibility" let me just say, that the us government subsidized most of my early 20's via student loans. this allowed me to travel, buy lots of things, and party like a rockstar! i then drank and partied to oblivion and said "to hell with these lil letters from direct loans, file them in the trash."
guess what? time for me to help pay my share of the federal government bank bailout, i guess to pay for this bail-out, they are collecting on loans owed from students. so, with a clear head, and a desire to step up and be accountable. i'm going to move forward to begin to get right with them. it will suck financially, it is a hefty monthly payment. i could be driving a new mercedes (fully loaded) but i must take ownership and make it right.
eveyone else i owe, to the end of the line! lookin forward to the non-sanctioned aa bowling event my friend my jackie and i have put together this friday night. i will be thinking of my dear friend jane-o who gave me the most stylish bowling ball ever! (too bad she didn't give me any of her skills!) i think the only person i could possibly beat is President Obama!
sometimes our actions/interactions don't always match our intent. this is human nature. when this happens, we must be aware where we were misunderstood, do our best to explain our intent, acknowledge the possibility of the errors we may have made, apologize and hopefully move forward with all parties feeling better and growing from the experience.
i need to remind myself, allow myself to feel even when those feelings hurt. allow myself to live, even when living is hard. this is life.
nj
Sunday, March 22, 2009
space time continuum 3/22/09
as another week comes to a close so a new week begins. is that how we have to look at it though? why a week coming to a close? a day? a month? our mind seems to be wired in such that everything must have a beginning, middle and end. why can we not allow ourselves to be on a constant continuum?
if you really think about it, we take the one of the few things in our universe that truly is on a continuum and try to manipulate it by notching into "sets" we have decades, years, months, etc. in the true sense of time, there is no beginning. there is no end. this is such an abstract idea i guess, ( i think this as i'm typing, "wtf am i rambling about? there is a point here somewhere.......i think)
we judge ourselves, hold ourselves accountable to this fictional creation of time. we value "time" rather than substance. think about it. our desire to live to be a certain age, birthday, length of sobriety, length of marriage, etc. Why don't we place equal or more importance on the quality of life someone had, the quality of their sobriety, and the quality of the marriage?
don't get me wrong, i understand the logical reasons for "time" but if we made a conscious effort to focus on the qualitative measurements rather than quantitative, wouldn't we get a better measurement? rather than asking someone, how long have you been sober, ask them, how has your sobriety treated you? rather than looking at the person's 2 dates on the tombstone, look at the dash in the middle and hope that it represents a lifetime of what that person wanted to do.
the amount of anything isn't nearly as important as the quality. so i'm not about to embark on a new week, rather i'm going to continue a blessed life of sobriety.
i want to give a quick shout out to jeremy! thanks bud for meeting me on the driving range today. great to have you in my life and look forward to our friendship growing. golf season is almost here!!!
nj
if you really think about it, we take the one of the few things in our universe that truly is on a continuum and try to manipulate it by notching into "sets" we have decades, years, months, etc. in the true sense of time, there is no beginning. there is no end. this is such an abstract idea i guess, ( i think this as i'm typing, "wtf am i rambling about? there is a point here somewhere.......i think)
we judge ourselves, hold ourselves accountable to this fictional creation of time. we value "time" rather than substance. think about it. our desire to live to be a certain age, birthday, length of sobriety, length of marriage, etc. Why don't we place equal or more importance on the quality of life someone had, the quality of their sobriety, and the quality of the marriage?
don't get me wrong, i understand the logical reasons for "time" but if we made a conscious effort to focus on the qualitative measurements rather than quantitative, wouldn't we get a better measurement? rather than asking someone, how long have you been sober, ask them, how has your sobriety treated you? rather than looking at the person's 2 dates on the tombstone, look at the dash in the middle and hope that it represents a lifetime of what that person wanted to do.
the amount of anything isn't nearly as important as the quality. so i'm not about to embark on a new week, rather i'm going to continue a blessed life of sobriety.
i want to give a quick shout out to jeremy! thanks bud for meeting me on the driving range today. great to have you in my life and look forward to our friendship growing. golf season is almost here!!!
nj
Saturday, March 21, 2009
saturday night alive! 3/21/09
good day all! its saturday night! what a beautiful day today. 60 degrees, sun shining, amazing. today was round 3 of group dynamics, (mandatory class for 1st time drunk drivers in wi). 13 hours down, 8 more to go! yippee!
we watched a video today about a woman's drunk driving eXperience that really hit home for me. which reminds me i need to find the pics of my accident and post them! the accident that this young woman had was similar to mine and i think that the end result could have/should have been the same for me had it not been for that of my higher power. when i gather the pics and what not, i will make a blog special about my dui. remember though my accident/arrest was on 10/18/2008. i continued to drink, continued to drink and drive until 1/31/09. the link below is a synopsis of this young woman from wisconsin, her name is denise wagoner and this is her story (includes quite disturbing, but powerful images.)
(http://www20.brinkster.com/godfathersatx/links.htm)
on a different note, i received a phone call today that made me feel good and gave me hope, strength, and inspiration. it was from a friend of mine who is going through some tough times. i haven't talked to her in a few months and she informed me of how inspirational and touching my blogs are to her and she looks forward to them every morning. i do this primarily for a self-serving purpose. to know that people are getting something out of it is just awesome.
i am going to try to continue to improve the format and layout and hope to add a section where you can submit questions/comments other than just the comment part after each entry.
hope you are all well!
nj
we watched a video today about a woman's drunk driving eXperience that really hit home for me. which reminds me i need to find the pics of my accident and post them! the accident that this young woman had was similar to mine and i think that the end result could have/should have been the same for me had it not been for that of my higher power. when i gather the pics and what not, i will make a blog special about my dui. remember though my accident/arrest was on 10/18/2008. i continued to drink, continued to drink and drive until 1/31/09. the link below is a synopsis of this young woman from wisconsin, her name is denise wagoner and this is her story (includes quite disturbing, but powerful images.)
(http://www20.brinkster.com/godfathersatx/links.htm)
on a different note, i received a phone call today that made me feel good and gave me hope, strength, and inspiration. it was from a friend of mine who is going through some tough times. i haven't talked to her in a few months and she informed me of how inspirational and touching my blogs are to her and she looks forward to them every morning. i do this primarily for a self-serving purpose. to know that people are getting something out of it is just awesome.
i am going to try to continue to improve the format and layout and hope to add a section where you can submit questions/comments other than just the comment part after each entry.
hope you are all well!
nj
Thursday, March 19, 2009
you found me 3/19/09
spring is here tomorrow! the grass will begin to turn green, the trees bud, and robins jostling about! such an exciting time of year. i love it!
kudos to obama on "the tonight show" isn't it nice to have a president who quite simply, "gets it"? my friend told me tonight (in reference to George W's new book deal) "do they really pay $7 million for a scratch-n-sniff book!?"
i have recently heard a song that i've been listening to the last few days that has really hit me. to me, it is a song the describes a person's relationship with god and their alcoholism. of course the meaning is subjective. the meaning to me is that we are pushed to our furthest limits, our faith tested so far that we have to reach that deep dark place where we are truly willing to open ourselves up before the higher power will enter our lives. this song relates to me when i had my spiritual awakening. when i finally threw my hands up, begged for help, and was willing to take it. i hope you enjoy, get some inspiration. i created a video below that for me is empowering, sobering, and fitting to the meaning of this song! Enjoy
nj
kudos to obama on "the tonight show" isn't it nice to have a president who quite simply, "gets it"? my friend told me tonight (in reference to George W's new book deal) "do they really pay $7 million for a scratch-n-sniff book!?"
i have recently heard a song that i've been listening to the last few days that has really hit me. to me, it is a song the describes a person's relationship with god and their alcoholism. of course the meaning is subjective. the meaning to me is that we are pushed to our furthest limits, our faith tested so far that we have to reach that deep dark place where we are truly willing to open ourselves up before the higher power will enter our lives. this song relates to me when i had my spiritual awakening. when i finally threw my hands up, begged for help, and was willing to take it. i hope you enjoy, get some inspiration. i created a video below that for me is empowering, sobering, and fitting to the meaning of this song! Enjoy
nj
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
45 days of sobriety! 3/18/09
i love the excitement and energy of spring time. everything starts to come alive and it really is time for life to grow.
thankful that i've been laid off this week to enjoy the sunshine and hopefully i will be able to hit the driving range. i will be able to enjoy many more things this summer with the focus not being on alcohol and being hung over. or drunk 24/7.
the past few days i've had this dilemma and new the right answer but was struggling. made a decision tonight and the weight/burden was lifted. feels really good.
i have a friend who had a really tough day and my thoughts are with her! miss everyone on wednesday nights, i can't wait to get back to my normal schedule!
nj
thankful that i've been laid off this week to enjoy the sunshine and hopefully i will be able to hit the driving range. i will be able to enjoy many more things this summer with the focus not being on alcohol and being hung over. or drunk 24/7.
the past few days i've had this dilemma and new the right answer but was struggling. made a decision tonight and the weight/burden was lifted. feels really good.
i have a friend who had a really tough day and my thoughts are with her! miss everyone on wednesday nights, i can't wait to get back to my normal schedule!
nj
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
tickle me tuesday! 3/17/09
new day, new life, new sobriety, new emotions, new complications. this is the same for everyone isn't it? well, maybe not all of it, but consciously or not, every day is a new life, a beginning and an end. like a tombstone, the year of birth and year of death aren't nearly as important as what the dash in the middle represents. each day, what we do with the hours between wake up and sleepy sleepy is the significance of our lives. those hours make up the dash of our lives.
it is so hard, especially for me, to practice that. i'm aware of it, but find myself constantly worrying about "how will this work out" or "what does this mean 5 years from now, 5 months from now, 5 days from now" i should be asking "how is this working now?"
i guess, this is a rambling on of "the now" that i speak of often. if we truly take care of each and every "the now" we don't have to worry about anything in the future because we have done all we can to ensure that it will be everything we put into it. that is all we can ask of ourselves. if we take care of all of our aspects during each and every "the now" we have done all we can do to make tomorrow the best it can be, if we are blessed with a tomorrow.
then it comes to matters of the heart...... be wise, be smart, but be willing.
nj
it is so hard, especially for me, to practice that. i'm aware of it, but find myself constantly worrying about "how will this work out" or "what does this mean 5 years from now, 5 months from now, 5 days from now" i should be asking "how is this working now?"
i guess, this is a rambling on of "the now" that i speak of often. if we truly take care of each and every "the now" we don't have to worry about anything in the future because we have done all we can to ensure that it will be everything we put into it. that is all we can ask of ourselves. if we take care of all of our aspects during each and every "the now" we have done all we can do to make tomorrow the best it can be, if we are blessed with a tomorrow.
then it comes to matters of the heart...... be wise, be smart, but be willing.
nj
Monday, March 16, 2009
"the now" revisited........3/16/09
wow, so, i've had this idea floating around in my head for a few days, but it just didn't feel right to blog without reason. saturday morning, while sitting in group dynamics class and thinking about all that has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. i was scribbling on my books and looked down and had written "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is what I want it to be". i don't know if i heard this somewhere, read it somewhere, i'm sure as hell positive i didn't create it, so props to whomever came up with it.
it is so true. i've referred to this in the past with my blogs, talking about "the now" today is sort of a rough day for me. for the first time i came to another level of enlightenment. i became irritated today, with work, traffic, the old lady in front of me. i then realized, i was working through life. for the past 10 years i have been intoxicated or immediately turned to that as soon as something began to unnerve me.
for the first time, in a long time, i had to stand facing life. what the fuck? do people really deal with this shit on daily basis? no wonder we are at war, out of money, and can't agree on anything. right? well, no, that of course is no excuse.
i have some new friends who are in need and was able to help them out today and they were able to help me as well. i can't drive on monday nights and really needed to go to a meeting and they were able to make that happen, and i was able to help them.
which then leads back to "the now" when something new happens in your life it seems that one, or at least me, instinctively thinks about "well, what will this look like 5 years from now?" this simple, potentially beautiful thing then becomes complicated. god damn why do i do this to myself? thanks to my friend sue for reminded me that friendships, no matter on what level should be valued, and should not be shied away from because perhaps this a potential there for more than a friendship. i don't know if that is what will happen in this situation, but there is certainly "a giddy" feeling that i haven't felt in sometime.
i hope to continue to explore options and proceed with caution, but not barricade the heart either.
remember the past, enjoy "the now", and be ready for, not live for; tomorrow.
nj
it is so true. i've referred to this in the past with my blogs, talking about "the now" today is sort of a rough day for me. for the first time i came to another level of enlightenment. i became irritated today, with work, traffic, the old lady in front of me. i then realized, i was working through life. for the past 10 years i have been intoxicated or immediately turned to that as soon as something began to unnerve me.
for the first time, in a long time, i had to stand facing life. what the fuck? do people really deal with this shit on daily basis? no wonder we are at war, out of money, and can't agree on anything. right? well, no, that of course is no excuse.
i have some new friends who are in need and was able to help them out today and they were able to help me as well. i can't drive on monday nights and really needed to go to a meeting and they were able to make that happen, and i was able to help them.
which then leads back to "the now" when something new happens in your life it seems that one, or at least me, instinctively thinks about "well, what will this look like 5 years from now?" this simple, potentially beautiful thing then becomes complicated. god damn why do i do this to myself? thanks to my friend sue for reminded me that friendships, no matter on what level should be valued, and should not be shied away from because perhaps this a potential there for more than a friendship. i don't know if that is what will happen in this situation, but there is certainly "a giddy" feeling that i haven't felt in sometime.
i hope to continue to explore options and proceed with caution, but not barricade the heart either.
remember the past, enjoy "the now", and be ready for, not live for; tomorrow.
nj
Saturday, March 14, 2009
my saturday 3/14/09
well hi all. whew. what a long day. started at 8:30 this am. off to driving school i go. this is where i learn just how proud i am of my drinking days. the class is full of armatures. .17, .22, .10, speeding tickets, taillights out. these people aren't drunks. just people who were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
they didn't park their car 40 yards into a cornfield, after taking out fences posts, clear cutting a row of trees, knock out power to a neighborhood buy taking out a utility pole (transformer), reroute traffic by knocking out the detour sign and have a BAC of .34. I win the gold medal...........for STUPIDITY!
Well, i thankfully can reflect upon this lightheartedly because NO ONE was injured. simply by the grace of a higher power.
Let me tell you a little bit about some of the character in the class! a co-worker's boyfriend, 1 girl, a cartoon character and "Barry the Cable Guy" seriously, Larry's twin brother. chubby, mullet sticking out from hat, (while completely bald) a fabulous denim vest( complete with frayed sleeves) and no under shirt......... no undershirt! just the vest!!! and enough hair on his arms to prove the theory of evolution.
anyway, meant in good fun. thank god for the characters, makes the class go faster.
from there, off to meet friends for lunch and movie. had my first challenge. met them inside cancun. thanks to the advice from my friend molly, was strong and didn't flip any conscious triggers.
movie was great, nice thriller "last house on left" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0844708/) check out the trailer. oh, that was after a nice lunch at "dana's bar and grill" in chippewa. Great steak salad!
ok. then a completely whacked meeting. a speaker who should have been spoken to, but hopefully it was beneficial to her. we take what we want from a meeting and leave the rest.
finished up with some coffee/hot chocolate at racy's with some good friends for some good laughs.
then.... played text tag with a new friend. (more on that later)
tomorrow, insightful, deep blog. night y'all!
nj
they didn't park their car 40 yards into a cornfield, after taking out fences posts, clear cutting a row of trees, knock out power to a neighborhood buy taking out a utility pole (transformer), reroute traffic by knocking out the detour sign and have a BAC of .34. I win the gold medal...........for STUPIDITY!
Well, i thankfully can reflect upon this lightheartedly because NO ONE was injured. simply by the grace of a higher power.
Let me tell you a little bit about some of the character in the class! a co-worker's boyfriend, 1 girl, a cartoon character and "Barry the Cable Guy" seriously, Larry's twin brother. chubby, mullet sticking out from hat, (while completely bald) a fabulous denim vest( complete with frayed sleeves) and no under shirt......... no undershirt! just the vest!!! and enough hair on his arms to prove the theory of evolution.
anyway, meant in good fun. thank god for the characters, makes the class go faster.
from there, off to meet friends for lunch and movie. had my first challenge. met them inside cancun. thanks to the advice from my friend molly, was strong and didn't flip any conscious triggers.
movie was great, nice thriller "last house on left" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0844708/) check out the trailer. oh, that was after a nice lunch at "dana's bar and grill" in chippewa. Great steak salad!
ok. then a completely whacked meeting. a speaker who should have been spoken to, but hopefully it was beneficial to her. we take what we want from a meeting and leave the rest.
finished up with some coffee/hot chocolate at racy's with some good friends for some good laughs.
then.... played text tag with a new friend. (more on that later)
tomorrow, insightful, deep blog. night y'all!
nj
Friday, March 13, 2009
blipity blah! 3/13/09
hi all. finally, finally, i can pee outside without freezing to the fire hydrant. hopefully there is no looking back to this nasty bitter winter season. SPRING needs to be here.
well, i'm old. i played bingo tonight. at the damn knights of columbus hall. and of course, won no money, so i'm doing my part to help stimulate the economy by spending spending spending. when is someone going to stimulate me? well, i'll keep you posted.
new favorite place is racy's coffee shop. nice chance to relax, read and meet up with friends.
tomorrow is round 2 of group dynamic "driving class" should be very entertaining. i'm learning how to drink and drive or not to? i don't know. i've solved that problem by just not drinking. ;-)
hope all is well and talk to you soon.
nj
well, i'm old. i played bingo tonight. at the damn knights of columbus hall. and of course, won no money, so i'm doing my part to help stimulate the economy by spending spending spending. when is someone going to stimulate me? well, i'll keep you posted.
new favorite place is racy's coffee shop. nice chance to relax, read and meet up with friends.
tomorrow is round 2 of group dynamic "driving class" should be very entertaining. i'm learning how to drink and drive or not to? i don't know. i've solved that problem by just not drinking. ;-)
hope all is well and talk to you soon.
nj
Thursday, March 12, 2009
help, meeting, and a plan. 3/12/09
well, its been a couple of days since my fingers have swiftly moved across the keyboard. that is simply because they were frozen together and stuck to the door knob of my house! Enough of this weather already!
had a great meeting tonight. 2 new members there. such an amazing forum. strangers walk-in and you immediately have a desire to lend a hand of help. regardless if you have a few days of sobriety or years. you are moved to help them.
if we are happy/healthy individuals, is that not something we should want to carry out in all facets of our lives? the elderly with groceries, the friend down on their luck, the republican, (just kidding) lol, need a little humor occasionally.
there was an interesting point brought up tonight at the meeting regarding AA/meetings/recovery. this is something that transcends all life. when most people think of AA meetings, they think of a place to go "get sober" or "stay sober". Chew on that for a moment..................Keep chewing........................ if a football team shows up at the field, do they win? if actors arrive at the theater, is there a play? if you go to the gym, do you get fit? NO, NO, NO. You need a playbook, script, and work-out regime. If you have a playbook, do you win the game? if you have script, is there a play? if you have a work-out regime is there fitness? NO, NO, NO.
to make anything work, you need all components. the players, the playbook and the execution of the plays. you need the actors, the script and rehearsal and execution to perform the play. to get fit, you need the gym (exercise), the regime, and you need to put in the work.
so is AA. you need the willing participant, the alcoholic. you need the playbook, script, gym equipment or in our case, the big book (12 steps). you need to do the work. get a sponsor, read the book and LIVE THE STEPS. that is how you achieve and maintain sobriety. it is a 3 legged stool that will hold us up, as long as we give purpose and meaning to each leg!
nj
had a great meeting tonight. 2 new members there. such an amazing forum. strangers walk-in and you immediately have a desire to lend a hand of help. regardless if you have a few days of sobriety or years. you are moved to help them.
if we are happy/healthy individuals, is that not something we should want to carry out in all facets of our lives? the elderly with groceries, the friend down on their luck, the republican, (just kidding) lol, need a little humor occasionally.
there was an interesting point brought up tonight at the meeting regarding AA/meetings/recovery. this is something that transcends all life. when most people think of AA meetings, they think of a place to go "get sober" or "stay sober". Chew on that for a moment..................Keep chewing........................ if a football team shows up at the field, do they win? if actors arrive at the theater, is there a play? if you go to the gym, do you get fit? NO, NO, NO. You need a playbook, script, and work-out regime. If you have a playbook, do you win the game? if you have script, is there a play? if you have a work-out regime is there fitness? NO, NO, NO.
to make anything work, you need all components. the players, the playbook and the execution of the plays. you need the actors, the script and rehearsal and execution to perform the play. to get fit, you need the gym (exercise), the regime, and you need to put in the work.
so is AA. you need the willing participant, the alcoholic. you need the playbook, script, gym equipment or in our case, the big book (12 steps). you need to do the work. get a sponsor, read the book and LIVE THE STEPS. that is how you achieve and maintain sobriety. it is a 3 legged stool that will hold us up, as long as we give purpose and meaning to each leg!
nj
Monday, March 9, 2009
rants & raves 3/9/09
hi all, so this daylight savings time bullshit. i know that it originates with the farmers or some crap from years ago, but enough already. its like the financial shit we are in. if a bank loses billions of dollars, doesn't someone gain it? or is it like when you lose your car keys. it just hasn't been found yet. if i going walking around AIG headquarters, bank of america, citigroup, well i come across a broom closest and be like jesus christ holy shit, a mop bucket with billions of dollars. son-of-a-bitch. where does the money go? where did this hour go? why don't they do it in phoenix? just doesn't make sense to me. i mean, if the money is "just on paper" or "in theory" then for christ's sake, just say you made a profit and everything is fine.
for all the people bashing, slamming, hating on obama, back off. i mean for crying out loud. i was even supportive of president bush for awhile when our country was in great despair after 9/11. give this guy a chance.
ok, got that out of my system, not even sure where the hell that came from. dancing with the stars on tonight. irony, "dancing with the stars" did you see the line-up? should be called "dancing with who?"
going to a new meeting tomorrow night and meeting with my new sponsor to start working the steps. i'm very excited about that. i can honestly say that the past 36 days have been absolutely wonderful.
there have been some anxiety filled moments, but thankfully no "white-knuckle" times or shear hell! thankful for that, but not fooling myself that they can pop-up at anytime!
i'm so thankful for my sobriety, my new open-mindedness, willingness to change/believe, and most importantly all of the new amazing people i have allowed into my life. you all have saved my life and transformed it from a state of existence, to a state of living. thank you.
nj
for all the people bashing, slamming, hating on obama, back off. i mean for crying out loud. i was even supportive of president bush for awhile when our country was in great despair after 9/11. give this guy a chance.
ok, got that out of my system, not even sure where the hell that came from. dancing with the stars on tonight. irony, "dancing with the stars" did you see the line-up? should be called "dancing with who?"
going to a new meeting tomorrow night and meeting with my new sponsor to start working the steps. i'm very excited about that. i can honestly say that the past 36 days have been absolutely wonderful.
there have been some anxiety filled moments, but thankfully no "white-knuckle" times or shear hell! thankful for that, but not fooling myself that they can pop-up at anytime!
i'm so thankful for my sobriety, my new open-mindedness, willingness to change/believe, and most importantly all of the new amazing people i have allowed into my life. you all have saved my life and transformed it from a state of existence, to a state of living. thank you.
nj
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Change, pt 2 and friends 3/7/09
gosh the lyrics from the song i blogged about still ring loudly in my head. i can't wait for the book which was inspired by the song "What I Cannot Change". I definitely think a powerful tool for all of us.
More snow on the way. Irritating, see above "what i cannot change" powerful sobriety story tonight at the meeting of 2 guys who literally saved each other's lives. so proud of them. and jo, celebrated 27 years of sobriety and one of the women she sponsors told a story of how she literally saved her life. truly amazing. truly amazing. so proud and happy to be a part of such a community of amazing people.
curious if my family member will take steps tomorrow to help them cope/understand/deal with the current alcoholic situation in the family, my brother. probably not. never did with me. denial isn't only the abuser's weapon is it?
i've done all i can do. give the little advice i know. separate from myself. remember, i cannot change that situation.
spoke to the wife of a man i met in treatment the 1st week of feb. he immersed himself into full treatment. after 2 weeks at le phillips he went to a treatment facility in tenn. for 30 days. good for him. his wife was real and raw. she is proud of him, but not sure if the damage that has been done to their marriage can be repaired. she said thanks for listening and i told her to call anytime she needed. i hope they do what is best for them.
talked to another friend of mine i met at le phillips. he has an extra challenge. his wife still drinks, drinks to get drunk. we talked tonight and confided in me that he had a relapse. felt good that he could confide in me. he got back up and is starting over. learn from this. add it as a tool.
nj
More snow on the way. Irritating, see above "what i cannot change" powerful sobriety story tonight at the meeting of 2 guys who literally saved each other's lives. so proud of them. and jo, celebrated 27 years of sobriety and one of the women she sponsors told a story of how she literally saved her life. truly amazing. truly amazing. so proud and happy to be a part of such a community of amazing people.
curious if my family member will take steps tomorrow to help them cope/understand/deal with the current alcoholic situation in the family, my brother. probably not. never did with me. denial isn't only the abuser's weapon is it?
i've done all i can do. give the little advice i know. separate from myself. remember, i cannot change that situation.
spoke to the wife of a man i met in treatment the 1st week of feb. he immersed himself into full treatment. after 2 weeks at le phillips he went to a treatment facility in tenn. for 30 days. good for him. his wife was real and raw. she is proud of him, but not sure if the damage that has been done to their marriage can be repaired. she said thanks for listening and i told her to call anytime she needed. i hope they do what is best for them.
talked to another friend of mine i met at le phillips. he has an extra challenge. his wife still drinks, drinks to get drunk. we talked tonight and confided in me that he had a relapse. felt good that he could confide in me. he got back up and is starting over. learn from this. add it as a tool.
nj
Friday, March 6, 2009
What I Cannot Change 3/6/09
ohhhhh pussy control!!!!!! ok, just kidding. saw a fantastic rendition of the vagina monologues tonight at University of Wisconsin Eau Claire. Educate yourself on V-Day awareness, the violation of women around the world, and in the Democratic Republic of Congo!!! Stop the madness.
To the beautiful people that accompanied me tonight, thank you for your friendship, wisdom, and support. You mean the world to me!
On my drive home tonight a song popped into my head with lyrics that seemed fitting for today. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and his wife and family are suffering. The irony is he doesn't desire to take steps for himself and blames her for his drinking. She doesn't want to take steps for herself and blames him for her problems.
What we know, is we can only take action for ourselves. We have to take ownership of the problems in our lives and to rid them, must follow a plan of action. These lyrics popped into my head and seemed fitting.
Principal Songwriters are Darrel Brown & LeAnn Rimes
"I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can
Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can"
To the beautiful people that accompanied me tonight, thank you for your friendship, wisdom, and support. You mean the world to me!
On my drive home tonight a song popped into my head with lyrics that seemed fitting for today. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and his wife and family are suffering. The irony is he doesn't desire to take steps for himself and blames her for his drinking. She doesn't want to take steps for herself and blames him for her problems.
What we know, is we can only take action for ourselves. We have to take ownership of the problems in our lives and to rid them, must follow a plan of action. These lyrics popped into my head and seemed fitting.
Principal Songwriters are Darrel Brown & LeAnn Rimes
"I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can
Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can"
check out the this video clip.
http://www.leannrimesworld.com/splash/splash_wicc.php
nj
Thursday, March 5, 2009
my day 3/5/09
what one hell of a day. i had an appearance in court today stemming from a driving after revocation citation stemming from operating a motor vehicle outside my permitted hours stemming from driving a vehicle with a slightly higher than level of alcohol in my blood (.34) i guess that's more than slightly higher, 4x? well. i never liked to do anything half-ass. if i do something, i do it well.
i believe that this will translate into my recovery. i'm not putting a half-ass effort into this. as in texas hold'em. i'm going all-in!
anyway. i arrive at the courthouse 15min early at 9:45 only to find the courtroom closed and lights off? hmmm, that is quite peculiar, i know judge sazama is retiring but i thought that was in a few months. i proceed to the clerk of courts office to summon the answer to this most perplexing situation.
Nicholas: "Hi, I'm scheduled to be before the judge today at 10am and it appears that court is not in session today."
Rotund Clerk: "Correct, no court today, you must have a pre-trial conference scheduled."
(from here out I will be "N" and Clerk will be "RC"
N: "I don't believe so. I had a pre-trial the 1st week of Feb." (pulls out my pocketbook to confirm 10am march 5th)
RC: What is your name sir?"
N: "Nicholas Joseph Schneider"
RC: Rapidly entering information. "Sir, there is actually a warrant for your arrest."
N: (Picking my heart up off the floor so i don't step on it and adjusting my pant leg so the shit can escape my pants) "Excuse me? For What?"
RC: "Failure to appear before the judge."
N: "That is why I'm here. To appear before the judge. Where is he?"
RC: "One moment while I get your file so we can clear this mess up."
(Translation......Stalling until the detective appears before to inform me of what is going on and gifting me a beautiful set of Cartier Silver Bracelets joined by a little silver chain. He then escorted me on a beautiful walk to this fabulous to new resort in Chippewa. The critically acclaimed CCJ Inn & Spa)
I'm thinking wtf is going on? This is shear madness. Long story short, things were resolved. I was in the wrong with transcribing the wrong date for the appearance (it was yesterday). The interesting part of the entire ordeal was I didn't get angry. I was upset and disappointed. But I remembered that I had done this to myself. This was still a ramification, a symptom of what happens when I drink. I must accept the consequences that result from the actions I made as a suffering alcoholic.
Things could have been worse. The 18-year old i sat next to during the motions in front of the judge was gifted a beautiful matching orange suit with numbers and everything on it. i believe it was gucci. (He had broken his mother's nose!)
Interesting tidbit. Had my timing been such that an alternative judge was not about to go into session, i would have spent the night in jail for failure to show to court to schedule my next court date. (that was all the hearing was for, to schedule another date to return to court) there is a man in new york who has swindled 50 billion dollars from people and has not seen the inside of a jail cell.
oh yeah, the best part! they asked if i wanted to see a public defender. (you know in movies, "you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you) with my huge income from the state of wisconsin unemployment office. aprox $200 week after taxes taken out, i make to much money to qualify for the public defender's office assistance!
nj
i believe that this will translate into my recovery. i'm not putting a half-ass effort into this. as in texas hold'em. i'm going all-in!
anyway. i arrive at the courthouse 15min early at 9:45 only to find the courtroom closed and lights off? hmmm, that is quite peculiar, i know judge sazama is retiring but i thought that was in a few months. i proceed to the clerk of courts office to summon the answer to this most perplexing situation.
Nicholas: "Hi, I'm scheduled to be before the judge today at 10am and it appears that court is not in session today."
Rotund Clerk: "Correct, no court today, you must have a pre-trial conference scheduled."
(from here out I will be "N" and Clerk will be "RC"
N: "I don't believe so. I had a pre-trial the 1st week of Feb." (pulls out my pocketbook to confirm 10am march 5th)
RC: What is your name sir?"
N: "Nicholas Joseph Schneider"
RC: Rapidly entering information. "Sir, there is actually a warrant for your arrest."
N: (Picking my heart up off the floor so i don't step on it and adjusting my pant leg so the shit can escape my pants) "Excuse me? For What?"
RC: "Failure to appear before the judge."
N: "That is why I'm here. To appear before the judge. Where is he?"
RC: "One moment while I get your file so we can clear this mess up."
(Translation......Stalling until the detective appears before to inform me of what is going on and gifting me a beautiful set of Cartier Silver Bracelets joined by a little silver chain. He then escorted me on a beautiful walk to this fabulous to new resort in Chippewa. The critically acclaimed CCJ Inn & Spa)
I'm thinking wtf is going on? This is shear madness. Long story short, things were resolved. I was in the wrong with transcribing the wrong date for the appearance (it was yesterday). The interesting part of the entire ordeal was I didn't get angry. I was upset and disappointed. But I remembered that I had done this to myself. This was still a ramification, a symptom of what happens when I drink. I must accept the consequences that result from the actions I made as a suffering alcoholic.
Things could have been worse. The 18-year old i sat next to during the motions in front of the judge was gifted a beautiful matching orange suit with numbers and everything on it. i believe it was gucci. (He had broken his mother's nose!)
Interesting tidbit. Had my timing been such that an alternative judge was not about to go into session, i would have spent the night in jail for failure to show to court to schedule my next court date. (that was all the hearing was for, to schedule another date to return to court) there is a man in new york who has swindled 50 billion dollars from people and has not seen the inside of a jail cell.
oh yeah, the best part! they asked if i wanted to see a public defender. (you know in movies, "you have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you) with my huge income from the state of wisconsin unemployment office. aprox $200 week after taxes taken out, i make to much money to qualify for the public defender's office assistance!
nj
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
smiles 3/4/09
hello blog followers!
it is amazing what sunshine and "warmer" weather can do for one's spirits. excited to be working with a new sponsor and begin working the steps of the program. the first steps of a life-long journey. it fills me with optimism and excitement.
the fear of alienation that i felt a month ago has vanished. while in early recovery at le phillips i was scared and saddened that my life as i knew it was over. how would i ever make friends? what would i do for fun? what the hell? my life would be sober, but hell.
i can say happily now that the amazing people i have met, and you all know who you are, have put any of those doubts to rest. i think more importantly, those from my past that i have reconnected with, (nikki, jake, jan,) thank you for your support and friendship.
it feels good to have people want to spend time with you for who you are, not your drinking/partying abilities. people who contact you to see how you are doing, how your day is going. just awesome.
a great day, a bounce in my step, and thank you to all!
nj
it is amazing what sunshine and "warmer" weather can do for one's spirits. excited to be working with a new sponsor and begin working the steps of the program. the first steps of a life-long journey. it fills me with optimism and excitement.
the fear of alienation that i felt a month ago has vanished. while in early recovery at le phillips i was scared and saddened that my life as i knew it was over. how would i ever make friends? what would i do for fun? what the hell? my life would be sober, but hell.
i can say happily now that the amazing people i have met, and you all know who you are, have put any of those doubts to rest. i think more importantly, those from my past that i have reconnected with, (nikki, jake, jan,) thank you for your support and friendship.
it feels good to have people want to spend time with you for who you are, not your drinking/partying abilities. people who contact you to see how you are doing, how your day is going. just awesome.
a great day, a bounce in my step, and thank you to all!
nj
Monday, March 2, 2009
letter to a friend. "bonus posting"
i received an email for a dear friend and after rereading my response to her thought i would post it. hope you might get something out of it.
Hi Honey,I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Isn't there a saying about "the cream of the crop, rises to the top?" i don't know, i think you know what i mean. the true character of a person and how they can reach out and support. there have a been a small handful of people from the past 10+years, that have contacted me, offered support, encouragement and i'm grateful (definitely not surprised) that you are one of them. thank you so much for being a true friend throughout the spectrum of the nicholas joseph experience. lol. It was so nice to hear from annie, my friend laura from milwaukee (now wausau), charlotte all the way from austrailia, a few random people who have read my blog via facebook, and of course the new support network i have built here via AA in eau claire. it really has been special and an awakening i have been desperately needing. as far as franco is concerned, he has washed his hands with me i believe. the only thing he has of mine is $500. i doubt i will see that back but will keep asking every so often. i need to let that go. it hurts and i think about it often, but i have to remember that a true friend is there when times are tough, not just the blissful. i think looking back franco has always taken the blissful times. i know that for a lot of the past 10 years i've been clouded, and more often than not, not in a good place. however, i know that i'm a good person, full of compassion, love, and integrity. i'm not sure if i could say the same for him. that is not for me to decide.you can rest assured that i will not become a religious fanatic. that is part of my struggle. god as i know him. it will be baby steps. i accept god as a higher power, something greater than myself and that is for me, my support network (friends, family, aa) the energy amongst them is most certainly a power greater than myself. i know i have to turn myself over to that power as the "doing it on my own" approach of the past 10 years has not worked. i am retraining my brain to accept, believe, and have faith in things i can't necessarily see. i think i blogged about that awhile back. love, there is no proof it exists, but yet, we know it is real. for the time being, that is my connection with faith. i have to accept that it isn't necessarily tangible, but it is there. if you allow yourself, you can feel it.some self awareness that i have come to makes me chuckle. i always complimented myself on my acceptance of others and open-mindedness. i was no better than those i chastised. i was so quick to condemn and judge rather than listen. with that i apologize, i know i have been very critical, harsh, and i'm sure at times rude and belligerent toward your views (and jerry's)) with regards to your spiritual guidance you sought to instill in your children. i am sorry. i guess that is what makes the human being so incredible. our ability to change. from what i gather thus far. AA is not a program to stop drinking, rather a road map for a healthier life. my experience so far is so different than what i feared and expected. i was so afraid that i would have no friends, nothing to do, a miserable drunk who could not drink. it has been anything but that to this point. in one month i've been to 2 dances, 2 banquettes, a dinner party, game night, bowling outing and other get together's. that is pretty damn cool. and, i remember all of it!!!! and spent a lot less money!thank you again for your thoughts and support. means the world to me. i get my full driving privileges back in 2 months and plan on making a trip to milwaukee with my friend laura sometime in spring or summer, perhaps pridefest!
love you,
nicholas
nj
Hi Honey,I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. Isn't there a saying about "the cream of the crop, rises to the top?" i don't know, i think you know what i mean. the true character of a person and how they can reach out and support. there have a been a small handful of people from the past 10+years, that have contacted me, offered support, encouragement and i'm grateful (definitely not surprised) that you are one of them. thank you so much for being a true friend throughout the spectrum of the nicholas joseph experience. lol. It was so nice to hear from annie, my friend laura from milwaukee (now wausau), charlotte all the way from austrailia, a few random people who have read my blog via facebook, and of course the new support network i have built here via AA in eau claire. it really has been special and an awakening i have been desperately needing. as far as franco is concerned, he has washed his hands with me i believe. the only thing he has of mine is $500. i doubt i will see that back but will keep asking every so often. i need to let that go. it hurts and i think about it often, but i have to remember that a true friend is there when times are tough, not just the blissful. i think looking back franco has always taken the blissful times. i know that for a lot of the past 10 years i've been clouded, and more often than not, not in a good place. however, i know that i'm a good person, full of compassion, love, and integrity. i'm not sure if i could say the same for him. that is not for me to decide.you can rest assured that i will not become a religious fanatic. that is part of my struggle. god as i know him. it will be baby steps. i accept god as a higher power, something greater than myself and that is for me, my support network (friends, family, aa) the energy amongst them is most certainly a power greater than myself. i know i have to turn myself over to that power as the "doing it on my own" approach of the past 10 years has not worked. i am retraining my brain to accept, believe, and have faith in things i can't necessarily see. i think i blogged about that awhile back. love, there is no proof it exists, but yet, we know it is real. for the time being, that is my connection with faith. i have to accept that it isn't necessarily tangible, but it is there. if you allow yourself, you can feel it.some self awareness that i have come to makes me chuckle. i always complimented myself on my acceptance of others and open-mindedness. i was no better than those i chastised. i was so quick to condemn and judge rather than listen. with that i apologize, i know i have been very critical, harsh, and i'm sure at times rude and belligerent toward your views (and jerry's)) with regards to your spiritual guidance you sought to instill in your children. i am sorry. i guess that is what makes the human being so incredible. our ability to change. from what i gather thus far. AA is not a program to stop drinking, rather a road map for a healthier life. my experience so far is so different than what i feared and expected. i was so afraid that i would have no friends, nothing to do, a miserable drunk who could not drink. it has been anything but that to this point. in one month i've been to 2 dances, 2 banquettes, a dinner party, game night, bowling outing and other get together's. that is pretty damn cool. and, i remember all of it!!!! and spent a lot less money!thank you again for your thoughts and support. means the world to me. i get my full driving privileges back in 2 months and plan on making a trip to milwaukee with my friend laura sometime in spring or summer, perhaps pridefest!
love you,
nicholas
nj
Sunday, March 1, 2009
1 month and rambling........3/1/09
1 month! today is 3/1/09. all be it the shortest month of the year, i have made it one month sober. in this past month i've realized and accepted that my problem is not with the bottle per say. it is the disease of alcoholism. the alcohol is a horrible symptom of that disease.
there have been great days and days where it has been a struggle. today was a day that had some anxiety and irritation in it. not for any particular reason, just things that i need to learn to let go, i can't change them, so embrace them. i can't fixate, dwell, and obsess over insignificant occurrences that are out of my control. that is a pattern that will not lend itself to healthy behavior.
i want to start working the steps and program and came to the realization today that i perhaps jumped the gun on selecting a sponsor. i don't think it will be a good fit for my growth. although he is a great guy that i hope to remain friends with. i did take steps in forging ahead with someone whom i've respected and admired since first meeting. he was immediately there with an offer of help, support, and encouragement. i hope it will be a successful relationship. interesting topic tonight at the meeting. step3.
"Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him" ."
how do you "reinvent" one's (your) interpretation of "god". for me, the word, thought, or notion of god is summed up in someone holding a sign that reads "god hates fags" or "god hates baby killers" i know that is a narrow-minded ignorant perception of god. the other thought that comes to mind is those that believe in a literal translation of the bible. parting of the seas, adam & eve, etc. i am learning that "god as i understand him" is just that, as i understand him. this can be different for everyone, everyone has different needs, desires, and direction in their life.
i know i don't have to be limited to my many years of a preconceived notion of what/whom god is. i know that. i now have to come to believe, accept, and turn myself over to it.
i think i am headed in the right direction. i feel good about it. this is a hard journey. a hard fought battle is so much more rewarding in the end.
i seek any comments/advice/insight on this!
nj
there have been great days and days where it has been a struggle. today was a day that had some anxiety and irritation in it. not for any particular reason, just things that i need to learn to let go, i can't change them, so embrace them. i can't fixate, dwell, and obsess over insignificant occurrences that are out of my control. that is a pattern that will not lend itself to healthy behavior.
i want to start working the steps and program and came to the realization today that i perhaps jumped the gun on selecting a sponsor. i don't think it will be a good fit for my growth. although he is a great guy that i hope to remain friends with. i did take steps in forging ahead with someone whom i've respected and admired since first meeting. he was immediately there with an offer of help, support, and encouragement. i hope it will be a successful relationship. interesting topic tonight at the meeting. step3.
"Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him" ."
how do you "reinvent" one's (your) interpretation of "god". for me, the word, thought, or notion of god is summed up in someone holding a sign that reads "god hates fags" or "god hates baby killers" i know that is a narrow-minded ignorant perception of god. the other thought that comes to mind is those that believe in a literal translation of the bible. parting of the seas, adam & eve, etc. i am learning that "god as i understand him" is just that, as i understand him. this can be different for everyone, everyone has different needs, desires, and direction in their life.
i know i don't have to be limited to my many years of a preconceived notion of what/whom god is. i know that. i now have to come to believe, accept, and turn myself over to it.
i think i am headed in the right direction. i feel good about it. this is a hard journey. a hard fought battle is so much more rewarding in the end.
i seek any comments/advice/insight on this!
nj
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