just a quick one tonight, had an amazing night, um, had to stand in front of 600 people and read the 12 traditions of AA. didn't know that is what i was getting into, lol. but at least i looked good. next time i will say the "numbers" great to connect and continue to form relationships within this great fellowship.
super tired, danced a lot. now time for sleep sleep!
nj
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
spring awakening. 2/27/09
march is almost here, the first day of spring is merely 3 weeks away. what a great feeling that is. the return of color, vibrancy, and the rebirth of the frozen white blanketed ground begins to come alive. spring is one of my favorite times of year simply for what it symbolizes, new beginnings.
every day of our lives we have a chance to have a new beginning, a chance to turn the page. it can be little things like helping a stranger, meeting someone new, or large life changing decisions. everyday is an opportunity for a new beginning at something. an opportunity to enrich our lives for the better, educate ourselves, make ourselves whole.
with that daily opportunity also can come new opportunity for temptation, resentment, anger. we must not let these distract us from what our purpose is, from what we need, what we want. we must be cognitive aware of these. we must be able to use the new beginnings for the advancement our general well-being.
i once heard ashley judd talk about "for every ending, there is a new beginning" i have never felt or believed that more than i do now.
i can't explain how much this past month has meant for me. the incredible people i've met, the support they have given, and the genuine compassion they have touches me deeply. to all of you, thank you!
nj
every day of our lives we have a chance to have a new beginning, a chance to turn the page. it can be little things like helping a stranger, meeting someone new, or large life changing decisions. everyday is an opportunity for a new beginning at something. an opportunity to enrich our lives for the better, educate ourselves, make ourselves whole.
with that daily opportunity also can come new opportunity for temptation, resentment, anger. we must not let these distract us from what our purpose is, from what we need, what we want. we must be cognitive aware of these. we must be able to use the new beginnings for the advancement our general well-being.
i once heard ashley judd talk about "for every ending, there is a new beginning" i have never felt or believed that more than i do now.
i can't explain how much this past month has meant for me. the incredible people i've met, the support they have given, and the genuine compassion they have touches me deeply. to all of you, thank you!
nj
Thursday, February 26, 2009
snow 2/26/09
winter wonderland! what an incredible snow storm today! by incredible i mean incredibly irritating. ENOUGH already! hopefully it won't stick around long. this is wisconsin so i guess anything is possible.
its interesting. how something aesthetically beautiful, such as the abundant, large snowflakes that fell today can at the same time cause such anger, danger, and depression, for some. for others, it brings joy, happiness, a chance to let loose and play as a young child would with snow-forts, sledding. etc.
a comparison i relate to my own life and journey of recovery. the anguish, pain, depression caused to (by) me with the bottle (and snow....."special" snow) is the same, joy, happiness, relaxation created by the bottle for so many.
for about aprox. 85 - 90 percent of society this is exactly what the bottle is for them. a moderation of snow. enough to build a snowman, go sledding, have a harmless snowball fight. take to the trails with friends and family on their snowmobiles. a chance to create some of their very best memories. they are able to take that bottle and pour themselves just enough, a responsible amount to maximize the joy in their life. they are able to appreciate the beauty, that for many people is created or enhanced by the bottle.
then, there is me......... i simply don't believe in a dusting of snow or a small amount of accumulation. for me, it is a blizzard of epic per portions. the consumption level is so high that systems begin to shut down. my electricity goes out, my internal policing is unable to handle the volume, my rationality is "snowed" in. i become paralyzed with fear. i give up hope on ever being able to get out from the mounds of snow and succumb to the notion that i am inevitably trapped.
that is how my life has been for the past 10 years. one large blizzard. destruction, damage, hopelessness, despair. on 1/31/09 i made the decision to buy a shovel. on 2/1/09 i began to use that shovel. each day, i removed a little bit more of this mound of snow that has accumulated over the past 10 years. the amazing thing is that those around me see "activity" for the past 10 years, there hasn't been any. the first thing that those around have done is pick up a shovel and lend a hand to help me remove this large pile of poo.
i've allowed new people to help too. how amazing is it when you allow yourself to be helped. when you acknowledge and embrace that you can't do this alone, people are there to help, lean on, support. absolutely incredible.
i know that each day i will have to work at removing this "snow" from my life, but it will get to a point, i hope, where it will be a much less daunting task than when i began on 2/1/09.
nj
its interesting. how something aesthetically beautiful, such as the abundant, large snowflakes that fell today can at the same time cause such anger, danger, and depression, for some. for others, it brings joy, happiness, a chance to let loose and play as a young child would with snow-forts, sledding. etc.
a comparison i relate to my own life and journey of recovery. the anguish, pain, depression caused to (by) me with the bottle (and snow....."special" snow) is the same, joy, happiness, relaxation created by the bottle for so many.
for about aprox. 85 - 90 percent of society this is exactly what the bottle is for them. a moderation of snow. enough to build a snowman, go sledding, have a harmless snowball fight. take to the trails with friends and family on their snowmobiles. a chance to create some of their very best memories. they are able to take that bottle and pour themselves just enough, a responsible amount to maximize the joy in their life. they are able to appreciate the beauty, that for many people is created or enhanced by the bottle.
then, there is me......... i simply don't believe in a dusting of snow or a small amount of accumulation. for me, it is a blizzard of epic per portions. the consumption level is so high that systems begin to shut down. my electricity goes out, my internal policing is unable to handle the volume, my rationality is "snowed" in. i become paralyzed with fear. i give up hope on ever being able to get out from the mounds of snow and succumb to the notion that i am inevitably trapped.
that is how my life has been for the past 10 years. one large blizzard. destruction, damage, hopelessness, despair. on 1/31/09 i made the decision to buy a shovel. on 2/1/09 i began to use that shovel. each day, i removed a little bit more of this mound of snow that has accumulated over the past 10 years. the amazing thing is that those around me see "activity" for the past 10 years, there hasn't been any. the first thing that those around have done is pick up a shovel and lend a hand to help me remove this large pile of poo.
i've allowed new people to help too. how amazing is it when you allow yourself to be helped. when you acknowledge and embrace that you can't do this alone, people are there to help, lean on, support. absolutely incredible.
i know that each day i will have to work at removing this "snow" from my life, but it will get to a point, i hope, where it will be a much less daunting task than when i began on 2/1/09.
nj
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
i hope 2/24/09
i have more hope now than i've had in a long time, perhaps.....ever. i have hope for myself. the feelings of despair, anguish, and loneliness are eroding as seeds of growth, self-awareness, fulfilment, and happiness are in the infant stage of taking root. i have hope that as i look towards the future, the actions i take in "the now" will lend its capable hand to a rich and just future. i have hope that i will take with me, these life lessons and use them for a greater purpose, a greater cause that i hope, will bring hope, to others. i hope that many years from now i will look back at this defining time in my life and not hope, but be grateful at the actions i'm taking in "the now" will do, just that.
"i hope" is, after all, an easy notion to borrow and tag along with in these tough economic time. much like my personal journey and growth, i have more hope now that i have ever had in my lifetime in my government, and most importantly in my president. i'm sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that i was an ardent supporter of President Obama. what i saw, heard, and felt on his address to congress and the world, was what i feel has been missing for sometime, a leader.
nj
"i hope" is, after all, an easy notion to borrow and tag along with in these tough economic time. much like my personal journey and growth, i have more hope now that i have ever had in my lifetime in my government, and most importantly in my president. i'm sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that i was an ardent supporter of President Obama. what i saw, heard, and felt on his address to congress and the world, was what i feel has been missing for sometime, a leader.
nj
Monday, February 23, 2009
hypocrisy and "the now" 2/23/09
hi everyone! well, i have no idea what to type about tonight so here it goes....... i had a facebook argument tonight with someone who was slamming michael phelps to the core, role model this, drugs that, give back the medals, etc.
i find this so interesting. here is someone who never sought the spotlight, but as a young child, found therapy in swimming. he just happened to be extremely gifted and put in thousands of hours of training. he happen to excel. every 4 years the world pays attention to a sport that otherwise, no one cares about. you could name multiple football players, baseball, basketball, movie stars, musicians, politicians, but how many swimmers can you name?
furthermore, how many of the above have done something "wrong?" our last 3 presidents have admitted to using "drugs" are they no longer role models? how many parent have done something they are ashamed of, illegal, irresponsible? are they no longer role models?
michael phelps admitted he made a mistake. that to me is quite commendable and worthy of role model status. "A" Rod admitted he doped then only gave half truths? the scrutiny he is under is nil compared to that of phelps.
phelps is after all a young man in his early 20's who is still growing, hell, i'm 30 and just learning how to be an adult. he is a swimmer. he wasn't elected to office to hold the public's trust, safety, and enforcement of laws. he is a swimmer.
the hypocrisy of many in our society amazes me. he made a mistake, he admitted it.
why does it seem the ones that shout the loudest over this "despicable" behavior are often using that to mask their own short-comings?
there is really only one truth in life. that is "the now" we should never shut the door on the past, we need to acknowledge it, embrace it, learn from it. we should use that to make the very best of "the now" and hopefully, that will allow us a better "tomorrow" but the only one truth, is "the now"
nj
i find this so interesting. here is someone who never sought the spotlight, but as a young child, found therapy in swimming. he just happened to be extremely gifted and put in thousands of hours of training. he happen to excel. every 4 years the world pays attention to a sport that otherwise, no one cares about. you could name multiple football players, baseball, basketball, movie stars, musicians, politicians, but how many swimmers can you name?
furthermore, how many of the above have done something "wrong?" our last 3 presidents have admitted to using "drugs" are they no longer role models? how many parent have done something they are ashamed of, illegal, irresponsible? are they no longer role models?
michael phelps admitted he made a mistake. that to me is quite commendable and worthy of role model status. "A" Rod admitted he doped then only gave half truths? the scrutiny he is under is nil compared to that of phelps.
phelps is after all a young man in his early 20's who is still growing, hell, i'm 30 and just learning how to be an adult. he is a swimmer. he wasn't elected to office to hold the public's trust, safety, and enforcement of laws. he is a swimmer.
the hypocrisy of many in our society amazes me. he made a mistake, he admitted it.
why does it seem the ones that shout the loudest over this "despicable" behavior are often using that to mask their own short-comings?
there is really only one truth in life. that is "the now" we should never shut the door on the past, we need to acknowledge it, embrace it, learn from it. we should use that to make the very best of "the now" and hopefully, that will allow us a better "tomorrow" but the only one truth, is "the now"
nj
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Oscars! 2/22/09
hi everyone! i have to think how wonderful it was tonight to see openly gay writer Dustin Lance Black accept the award for his script "Milk" to hear him openly acknowledge the rights that ought/should/need to be granted to all Americans was fantastic. To have that followed up by the amazingly talented Sean Penn was a great day for Americans, especially gay Americans. There is hope!
21 days of sobriety! thanks to all of you for your support, encouragement, and love. To all of my new friends in AA and my friends/family that have always supported me, thank you so much for helping me get my life back.
it feels great to be living, not existing.
with love,
nj
21 days of sobriety! thanks to all of you for your support, encouragement, and love. To all of my new friends in AA and my friends/family that have always supported me, thank you so much for helping me get my life back.
it feels great to be living, not existing.
with love,
nj
Saturday, February 21, 2009
toxic friendships 2/21/09
hi everyone. thanks for sticking around, i took a couple of days off. but i'm doing well. 20 days of sobriety! feels good to be living and not existing!
remember when you first met a someone who later became a friend or significant other and ended up becoming toxic? i think all of us has met someone and instantly there was a connection unlike any other. remember the times when you would laugh until your stomach ached like an afternoon of 1000 crunches. there were times when with your friend you would cry your eyes dry. of course all the times in between. the beginning stages with the new best friend are incredibly wonderful. can't imagine your life without them.
then something happens. your other friends and family are worried because you spend so much time with your new friend. you begin to ignore the other people you care about so much because this friend has mesmerized you that they are your top priority. you begin to resent your other friends and family. why can't they understand how great your new friend is. this friend understands you unlike anyone else ever has. i mean fuck, why can't they get that?
time continues and there are times where you think maybe i do spend too much time with this friend but it seems to be always fun. you get so comfortable with your friend that you start doing things that you wouldn't normally do and sometimes get into a little trouble. you decide that maybe you do need a little break from your friend and stay away for a while. while away though, your thoughts are just consumed by missing them. you make the call and pick up right were you left off.
this time though, you jump head first, with your friend 24/7. you continue this pattern for a long time. your other friends and family are worried that your life revolves around this friend and you grow resentment for them for interfering with your life.
it gets to the point where you have said "fuck it" if they don't understand, i don't need them and it is just you and your friend. you have shut everyone else out. you continue this for awhile until you finally look at your friend and you say "fuck you". you have ruined my life. you have made the decision to finally cut that "toxic" friend from your life. they have damaged you.
that is my story, not sure if you can relate. toxic friendships can ruin you. oh, my friends name by the way was............alcohol.
nj
remember when you first met a someone who later became a friend or significant other and ended up becoming toxic? i think all of us has met someone and instantly there was a connection unlike any other. remember the times when you would laugh until your stomach ached like an afternoon of 1000 crunches. there were times when with your friend you would cry your eyes dry. of course all the times in between. the beginning stages with the new best friend are incredibly wonderful. can't imagine your life without them.
then something happens. your other friends and family are worried because you spend so much time with your new friend. you begin to ignore the other people you care about so much because this friend has mesmerized you that they are your top priority. you begin to resent your other friends and family. why can't they understand how great your new friend is. this friend understands you unlike anyone else ever has. i mean fuck, why can't they get that?
time continues and there are times where you think maybe i do spend too much time with this friend but it seems to be always fun. you get so comfortable with your friend that you start doing things that you wouldn't normally do and sometimes get into a little trouble. you decide that maybe you do need a little break from your friend and stay away for a while. while away though, your thoughts are just consumed by missing them. you make the call and pick up right were you left off.
this time though, you jump head first, with your friend 24/7. you continue this pattern for a long time. your other friends and family are worried that your life revolves around this friend and you grow resentment for them for interfering with your life.
it gets to the point where you have said "fuck it" if they don't understand, i don't need them and it is just you and your friend. you have shut everyone else out. you continue this for awhile until you finally look at your friend and you say "fuck you". you have ruined my life. you have made the decision to finally cut that "toxic" friend from your life. they have damaged you.
that is my story, not sure if you can relate. toxic friendships can ruin you. oh, my friends name by the way was............alcohol.
nj
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
weirdos 2/17/09
"are there a lot of weirdos there?" my brother asks me referring to my new family of AA. My first reaction was defensive and argumentative. i replied, only as weird as me. that comment floated around in my head for the past few days, not as something that angered me, but rather provoked thought.
i guess, one could say yes, we are a bunch of "weirdos" "freaks" "abnormals" what "regular" people are comfortable enough to get together with people from all backgrounds, and share themselves openly, honestly, and spiritually. that is pretty damn weird. what other group of people get together without issue, drama, and without self-indulgence? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and immediately reach out a hand of friendship, encouragement, and support? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and welcome you back even if you have slipped and failed? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together simply for the good of the group without a hidden agenda? that is damn weird.
people's perception of AA and alcoholics (sometimes ever our own) is most fascinating. my brother by the way is a fellow alcoholic who like most of us "can control his drinking if he wanted to". that is his issue though, not mine. i'm grateful for his comment for it made me appreciate just how "weird" i am.
nj
i guess, one could say yes, we are a bunch of "weirdos" "freaks" "abnormals" what "regular" people are comfortable enough to get together with people from all backgrounds, and share themselves openly, honestly, and spiritually. that is pretty damn weird. what other group of people get together without issue, drama, and without self-indulgence? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and immediately reach out a hand of friendship, encouragement, and support? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together and welcome you back even if you have slipped and failed? that is pretty weird. what other group of people get together simply for the good of the group without a hidden agenda? that is damn weird.
people's perception of AA and alcoholics (sometimes ever our own) is most fascinating. my brother by the way is a fellow alcoholic who like most of us "can control his drinking if he wanted to". that is his issue though, not mine. i'm grateful for his comment for it made me appreciate just how "weird" i am.
nj
Monday, February 16, 2009
beliefs? 2/16/09
last night i was reading a chapter in the big book (the bible of AA) aimed directly at atheists, which i've always considered myself to be. the program talks a lot about surrendering to a higher power and "god as we know him". that topic i will discuss further down the road but something struck a chord with me that has me thinking about other "beliefs and facts"
if we can't see it, does it therefore not exist? if science can't prove it, does it therefore not exist? if that is true, are feelings, emotions, moods not real?
do i believe in the literal translation of the bible? no, not at this time. do i believe there is a power greater than me? absolutely.
let us not limit ourselves to believe what we can only see/touch. for if that were the case, we wouldn't know love.
nj
if we can't see it, does it therefore not exist? if science can't prove it, does it therefore not exist? if that is true, are feelings, emotions, moods not real?
do i believe in the literal translation of the bible? no, not at this time. do i believe there is a power greater than me? absolutely.
let us not limit ourselves to believe what we can only see/touch. for if that were the case, we wouldn't know love.
nj
Sunday, February 15, 2009
quickie! 2/15/09
what a week it has been! to everyone who has reached out this past week and offered the support and encouragement, my sincerest gratitude. i can feel your strength and support and greatly appreciate it.
the journey has begun and i've taken that next step of acquiring a sponsor that i know will hold my feet to the fire and mentor me through the program and 12 steps. i'm excited to begin to deal with the disease. although i haven't had a drink for 2 weeks, the real work begins now, dealing with the disease. drinking is a nasty side effect of the disease. now the tough inner-work must begin.
i hope for those of you that read the blogs this past week have enjoyed. if you think you know anyone that might enjoy/benefit from reading them, feel free to pass them along. you can also click on the follow blog button to receive automatic updates.
my thoughts go out to all the loved ones who suffered a loss in the horrible plane crash! keep the strength and remember the love.
nj
the journey has begun and i've taken that next step of acquiring a sponsor that i know will hold my feet to the fire and mentor me through the program and 12 steps. i'm excited to begin to deal with the disease. although i haven't had a drink for 2 weeks, the real work begins now, dealing with the disease. drinking is a nasty side effect of the disease. now the tough inner-work must begin.
i hope for those of you that read the blogs this past week have enjoyed. if you think you know anyone that might enjoy/benefit from reading them, feel free to pass them along. you can also click on the follow blog button to receive automatic updates.
my thoughts go out to all the loved ones who suffered a loss in the horrible plane crash! keep the strength and remember the love.
nj
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day!! 2/14/09
it occurred to me today, that this is my 1st valentine's day as a single guy in 10 years. it was pretty much the same as the past 10 years. why do we need a "day" to show our love and appreciation for the special someone in our life? what have we come to, that we have to be reminded to do something extra sweet, extra nice, extra loving? why not do that for the person you love on may 7th? wouldn't it mean a little something more than on the day when you are suppose to? i don't know, just a thought.
i have 2 weeks of sobriety under my belt, a small, incremental step, but a big one indeed. i hope with the strength and up support of my family, friends, and new friends that it will continue to be a successful journey.
i'm taking the first step to start working the 12 steps tomorrow by meeting with whom should be my sponsor. i think he will be a huge help in this recovery process.
i did something tonight i never thought possible. i danced, danced, and danced some more. oh, i was sober!
happy valentines day everyone!
nj
i have 2 weeks of sobriety under my belt, a small, incremental step, but a big one indeed. i hope with the strength and up support of my family, friends, and new friends that it will continue to be a successful journey.
i'm taking the first step to start working the 12 steps tomorrow by meeting with whom should be my sponsor. i think he will be a huge help in this recovery process.
i did something tonight i never thought possible. i danced, danced, and danced some more. oh, i was sober!
happy valentines day everyone!
nj
Friday, February 13, 2009
free association blogging 2/13/09
no major thoughts coming to mind. today was a really good day. its difficult for me to explain, or put in words, i feel good, i feel good about feeling good. a small sense or pride and self-respect has been planted in my spirit and i want to nourish that so it grows and blossoms like it never has before.
i had a disagreement with a relative today and it was empowering for me to accept "those are her issues" i already have my 2 bag limit for this flight, i can't carry hers. she needs to check some of that baggage or repack it so she can manage it herself, i can't take that on and i'm ok with that.
i was invited to a dinner with some wonderful new people that i've met through AA and met new people at the dinner. it was wonderful to have such a sense of belonging. i haven't felt that in a long time. it was great to share stories and feel the strength and support as we all shared.
one of my biggest fears of sobriety is "what the hell would i do?" how could i possibly have a life? having involved myself in these groups this past week is like looking at a brochure for a fantastic vacation resort and i can't wait to not visit there, but move there. it feels good to be living, rather than simply existing.
have a happy valentine's day!
nj
i had a disagreement with a relative today and it was empowering for me to accept "those are her issues" i already have my 2 bag limit for this flight, i can't carry hers. she needs to check some of that baggage or repack it so she can manage it herself, i can't take that on and i'm ok with that.
i was invited to a dinner with some wonderful new people that i've met through AA and met new people at the dinner. it was wonderful to have such a sense of belonging. i haven't felt that in a long time. it was great to share stories and feel the strength and support as we all shared.
one of my biggest fears of sobriety is "what the hell would i do?" how could i possibly have a life? having involved myself in these groups this past week is like looking at a brochure for a fantastic vacation resort and i can't wait to not visit there, but move there. it feels good to be living, rather than simply existing.
have a happy valentine's day!
nj
Thursday, February 12, 2009
pondering......... 2/12/09
purpose? what is the purpose of something, anything, everything? if we think literally everything has a purpose doesn't it? car= mode of transportation, glass= a vessel to contain a liquid, toothbrush= clean our teeth, bed= a place to sleep.
is that really the purpose for these items? think of all the other "purposes" those things can be used for. purpose is completely relative. purpose is subjective. purpose is what you want the purpose to be. for some a car may not be modes of transportation, but a place to live or a hobby, a glass may be used as a vase for flowers or a weapon to throw. a toothbrush may be used to clean the floor or a luxury item for those without, a bed can be a place to meditate and share our most intimate experiences with. purpose is what you want it to be.
with that said, what is our purpose? the answer is different for everybody, but the difficult task is to truly absorb and think about your purpose. my dad would say his purpose is to provide a decent wage for his family and wife and be able to retire in two years so he and my mom can travel the country. is that his purpose? or is that his existence? that is for him to answer. what is my purpose? i don't know yet. what i do know is that i'm beginning a journey that will help me to consciously be aware of that question, embrace it and embark on a journey to fulfill it. for that i am very optimistic and excited.
on a completely different note, new season of survivor starts tonight, just popped some popcorn and can't wait for the backstabbing to begin!
nj
is that really the purpose for these items? think of all the other "purposes" those things can be used for. purpose is completely relative. purpose is subjective. purpose is what you want the purpose to be. for some a car may not be modes of transportation, but a place to live or a hobby, a glass may be used as a vase for flowers or a weapon to throw. a toothbrush may be used to clean the floor or a luxury item for those without, a bed can be a place to meditate and share our most intimate experiences with. purpose is what you want it to be.
with that said, what is our purpose? the answer is different for everybody, but the difficult task is to truly absorb and think about your purpose. my dad would say his purpose is to provide a decent wage for his family and wife and be able to retire in two years so he and my mom can travel the country. is that his purpose? or is that his existence? that is for him to answer. what is my purpose? i don't know yet. what i do know is that i'm beginning a journey that will help me to consciously be aware of that question, embrace it and embark on a journey to fulfill it. for that i am very optimistic and excited.
on a completely different note, new season of survivor starts tonight, just popped some popcorn and can't wait for the backstabbing to begin!
nj
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
fear! 2/11/09
hi everyone! i hope everyone is doing well. it is interesting when the ideas for what i will blog about pop into my head. i don't make conscious efforts throughout the day to think about what i will write, i just hope something comes about organically.
i want to start by saying that my new family of AA members is absolutely fantastic. i attended a meeting tonight at a new location and could not believe the out pouring of support and encouragement. it certainly has a profound effect on you when many people (strangers) offer their hand in friendship and support. thanks to all of you!
i titled today's blog fear because it isn't something that guides the life of alcoholics, both in recovery and still suffering, but has a daily impact on most everyone. this thought came to me tonight on my drive home when i encountered a parked police car monitoring the traffic flow. i instantly remembered what it was like for the past 10 years coming across that situation and immediately tensing with fear. fear of being pulled over and the officer realizing i was under the influence, that i had open containers, or for that part, a mixed drink in my console. that fear related to alcohol consumption had crippled me for the past 10 years. all the times of fear came rushing back to me, would they catch me drinking at work, would my loved ones find the bottles i had hid all throughout the house, the simple fear of would i make it to the liquor store before 9? the fear of running out of liquor in the middle of the night. the fear of being an alcoholic. simply seeing that parked police car triggered all of those thoughts. the fear that had consumed my life i have begun to put to rest because i'm not afraid to say i am an alcoholic. i know i am powerless over it. by admitting that and living a life of sobriety and i can begin to bury those fears that had taken over a large part of my life. alcohol was my life.
fear will continue to play a part of all of our lives. if we really take a moment to think about how much of a role fear plays in our lives it is quite amazing. our former president used fear to sell the war in iraq and our current president is using fear to help sell the stimulus package. our parents used fear to guide us. our government uses fear to make us abide by the laws. our doctors use fear to "guide" us, religious leaders use fear to motivate
what if instead of fear, we used tools such as hope, love, compassion, serenity, respect, and understanding?
of course this is a Utopian philosophy but something worth pondering i believe.
perhaps the next time we instinctively are inclined to use fear to motivate ourselves, or others we can use a different approach. LOVE, COMPASSION, SERENITY, RESPECT, UNDERSTANDING.
maybe we would be amazed at the dialogue it might open and the results it might achieve.
10 days of sobriety feels fantastic. thank you all for your support and encouragement. i described tonight that if sobriety was like a relationship, i'm in the blind dating stage, it is awkward, nerve-racking, and makes you as giddy as a young child on christmas eve. i am so excited to continue this relationship and watch it blossom into a full-fledged romance!
nj
i want to start by saying that my new family of AA members is absolutely fantastic. i attended a meeting tonight at a new location and could not believe the out pouring of support and encouragement. it certainly has a profound effect on you when many people (strangers) offer their hand in friendship and support. thanks to all of you!
i titled today's blog fear because it isn't something that guides the life of alcoholics, both in recovery and still suffering, but has a daily impact on most everyone. this thought came to me tonight on my drive home when i encountered a parked police car monitoring the traffic flow. i instantly remembered what it was like for the past 10 years coming across that situation and immediately tensing with fear. fear of being pulled over and the officer realizing i was under the influence, that i had open containers, or for that part, a mixed drink in my console. that fear related to alcohol consumption had crippled me for the past 10 years. all the times of fear came rushing back to me, would they catch me drinking at work, would my loved ones find the bottles i had hid all throughout the house, the simple fear of would i make it to the liquor store before 9? the fear of running out of liquor in the middle of the night. the fear of being an alcoholic. simply seeing that parked police car triggered all of those thoughts. the fear that had consumed my life i have begun to put to rest because i'm not afraid to say i am an alcoholic. i know i am powerless over it. by admitting that and living a life of sobriety and i can begin to bury those fears that had taken over a large part of my life. alcohol was my life.
fear will continue to play a part of all of our lives. if we really take a moment to think about how much of a role fear plays in our lives it is quite amazing. our former president used fear to sell the war in iraq and our current president is using fear to help sell the stimulus package. our parents used fear to guide us. our government uses fear to make us abide by the laws. our doctors use fear to "guide" us, religious leaders use fear to motivate
what if instead of fear, we used tools such as hope, love, compassion, serenity, respect, and understanding?
of course this is a Utopian philosophy but something worth pondering i believe.
perhaps the next time we instinctively are inclined to use fear to motivate ourselves, or others we can use a different approach. LOVE, COMPASSION, SERENITY, RESPECT, UNDERSTANDING.
maybe we would be amazed at the dialogue it might open and the results it might achieve.
10 days of sobriety feels fantastic. thank you all for your support and encouragement. i described tonight that if sobriety was like a relationship, i'm in the blind dating stage, it is awkward, nerve-racking, and makes you as giddy as a young child on christmas eve. i am so excited to continue this relationship and watch it blossom into a full-fledged romance!
nj
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
path of destruction 2/10/09
ironic today that tornadoes swept across parts of the midwest, unusual for this time of year. tonight i went to a meeting i was required to attend as part of a provision to have my full driving privileges reinstated.
last october (2008) my actions warranted an issuance of an OUI. part of the process to get my license back was to attend this "impact" panel. there were 3 speakers, one gentleman who had killed someone while driving drunk, another who nearly died himself, and finally a woman whose family had been destroyed when a drunk driver killed her husband (it was himself)
after reflecting on what they had to say it hit me like sharp right hook from Oscar de la Hoya. it wasn't until listening to the three of them tell their stories that what we are as alcoholics is eerily similar to hurricanes and tornadoes.
alcoholics make up arguably about 15% of the population, so by any quantitative standard, not the normal. it takes the "right" combination of dna, predisposition and other factors to fall into this category and when all of that combines just "right" we form the devastation of an alcoholic. i, for one, would be an f5 tornado or category 5 hurricane.
i realized listening tonight that although i was damaging myself by self-induced intoxication, much like a strong storm, i have the ability to return to calm and heal myself. i have the ability to make amends and find inner peace just as the atmosphere does after a tornado or the seas do after a hurricane.
the real healing process begins when i look behind me at the devastation i caused along the way. the wake of my path is miles wide and 10 years long. listening to the speaker tonight how her world was flipped upside down because of the actions of her late husband brought to life just how much my using has affected all the people in my life, loved ones and strangers. i think that it is with this knowledge that i can find strength and purpose that this isn't just about me, but rather us as a people.
this is relevant to all of us, not just those of us in recovery, but all of us that have made mistakes, have regrets, live with shame, we don't have to live in the past, acknowledge it yes, but not live there. it is like the devastation of a storm, when it leaves, the destruction can be widespread, the hurt can run deep, the pain perhaps unmeasurable. the human spirit is resilient. we can rebuild, we can reconnect, we can thrive again, we can love again. it does not come easy. it does not come quickly. but it will come. if we want it. if we work at it. if we believe it.
if we can hurt people that much, we most certainly can love them that much.
nj
last october (2008) my actions warranted an issuance of an OUI. part of the process to get my license back was to attend this "impact" panel. there were 3 speakers, one gentleman who had killed someone while driving drunk, another who nearly died himself, and finally a woman whose family had been destroyed when a drunk driver killed her husband (it was himself)
after reflecting on what they had to say it hit me like sharp right hook from Oscar de la Hoya. it wasn't until listening to the three of them tell their stories that what we are as alcoholics is eerily similar to hurricanes and tornadoes.
alcoholics make up arguably about 15% of the population, so by any quantitative standard, not the normal. it takes the "right" combination of dna, predisposition and other factors to fall into this category and when all of that combines just "right" we form the devastation of an alcoholic. i, for one, would be an f5 tornado or category 5 hurricane.
i realized listening tonight that although i was damaging myself by self-induced intoxication, much like a strong storm, i have the ability to return to calm and heal myself. i have the ability to make amends and find inner peace just as the atmosphere does after a tornado or the seas do after a hurricane.
the real healing process begins when i look behind me at the devastation i caused along the way. the wake of my path is miles wide and 10 years long. listening to the speaker tonight how her world was flipped upside down because of the actions of her late husband brought to life just how much my using has affected all the people in my life, loved ones and strangers. i think that it is with this knowledge that i can find strength and purpose that this isn't just about me, but rather us as a people.
this is relevant to all of us, not just those of us in recovery, but all of us that have made mistakes, have regrets, live with shame, we don't have to live in the past, acknowledge it yes, but not live there. it is like the devastation of a storm, when it leaves, the destruction can be widespread, the hurt can run deep, the pain perhaps unmeasurable. the human spirit is resilient. we can rebuild, we can reconnect, we can thrive again, we can love again. it does not come easy. it does not come quickly. but it will come. if we want it. if we work at it. if we believe it.
if we can hurt people that much, we most certainly can love them that much.
nj
Monday, February 9, 2009
day 1 blog, introduction! 02/09/09
hi all, this is day 1 of my blog. this idea was given to me by a truly dear and great friend of mine irene. i was telling her the events of my life over the past week and how i'm "turning the page" to borrow a line from my friend barack on my life. today is day 9 of sobriety for me. i have to tell you it feels pretty damn good.
this is, of course, primarily my way of meditating and reflecting on my day and blogging my way through sobriety. i hope you read, enjoy, laugh, and get a little something out of it as well. i invite your feedback and suggestions!
i was talking to a new friend of mine that i met while in treatment at le phillips (inpatient treatment center) today and it was amazing at first at how conversation really flowed between essentially 2 strangers. we were on the phone for nearly 40 minutes and were both in awe of what it is like to wake up in the morning and actually remember going to sleep the night before! i know that may sound bizarre to a lot of you, but for most of the past few years of my life i didn't go to sleep at night, i passed out.
the next morning it would be like sitting at the dining room table with a jigsaw puzzle in front of you trying to put the pieces together of the night before! Then of course is that 1st look in the mirror of the pumpkinesque puffiness of a drunks face! always attractive. i really enjoyed talking to rob today and wish him the best in his recovery too.
his wife, btw, is a hair stylist who this past weekend styled Joan River's hair before she performed on stage. how fantastic! i love her, i know everything about her is fake except her geniou-ness. at the end of the day isn't that what matters? for the better part of the past 10 years everything about me has been real except my geniou-ness.
hope you enjoyed!
nj
this is, of course, primarily my way of meditating and reflecting on my day and blogging my way through sobriety. i hope you read, enjoy, laugh, and get a little something out of it as well. i invite your feedback and suggestions!
i was talking to a new friend of mine that i met while in treatment at le phillips (inpatient treatment center) today and it was amazing at first at how conversation really flowed between essentially 2 strangers. we were on the phone for nearly 40 minutes and were both in awe of what it is like to wake up in the morning and actually remember going to sleep the night before! i know that may sound bizarre to a lot of you, but for most of the past few years of my life i didn't go to sleep at night, i passed out.
the next morning it would be like sitting at the dining room table with a jigsaw puzzle in front of you trying to put the pieces together of the night before! Then of course is that 1st look in the mirror of the pumpkinesque puffiness of a drunks face! always attractive. i really enjoyed talking to rob today and wish him the best in his recovery too.
his wife, btw, is a hair stylist who this past weekend styled Joan River's hair before she performed on stage. how fantastic! i love her, i know everything about her is fake except her geniou-ness. at the end of the day isn't that what matters? for the better part of the past 10 years everything about me has been real except my geniou-ness.
hope you enjoyed!
nj
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