Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
sorrow, rain, beauty 4/26/09
the rains come down, absorb into the ground.
embrace the seed, with the moisture it need.
to have beauty tomorrow, today is sorrow.
what is always vital for futility and growth, is not the most pleasant. me must know that the very essence of beauty and harmony is work, struggle, rain, mud, and grit. today we might be sad, but with the flowers in blossom tomorrow, lets not pity in self-sorrow.
hope everyone had a great weekend. very low-key for me. seems that the one job offer i was awaiting is not coming to fruition, but i am meeting tomorrow to discuss and new job so i will post details on that this week. it has been offered already so we just need to work out the details.
saw "state of play" today, enjoyable movie. lisa lampanelli countdown = 6 days!!!
stay away from pigs!
nj
nj
embrace the seed, with the moisture it need.
to have beauty tomorrow, today is sorrow.
what is always vital for futility and growth, is not the most pleasant. me must know that the very essence of beauty and harmony is work, struggle, rain, mud, and grit. today we might be sad, but with the flowers in blossom tomorrow, lets not pity in self-sorrow.
hope everyone had a great weekend. very low-key for me. seems that the one job offer i was awaiting is not coming to fruition, but i am meeting tomorrow to discuss and new job so i will post details on that this week. it has been offered already so we just need to work out the details.
saw "state of play" today, enjoyable movie. lisa lampanelli countdown = 6 days!!!
stay away from pigs!
nj
nj
Thursday, April 23, 2009
bank teller tragedy! 4/23/09
so, i had another spiritual moment today. what totally amazes me on this journey is that everyday you learn something new, so the set-up goes as follows.
i'm leaving work (the glamorous world) of kell containter. (grateful for a paycheck) and as a result of scheduling errors, they needed to me to go to the salon to cover a few hours. I leave work and am taking care of some AA business ( i have the information phone for people to call) and am speaking with this gentlemen who is being "ordered" to attend a support group to get his liver transplant but he doesn't have a drinking problem, cars are honking at me, i forgot my sunglasses so i'm crying because the i'm squinting so hard, now my eyes are burning from the copious amounts of salt in my tears because i salt every food that enters my body, shit there goes the exit toward the bank i normally go to, HONK HONK HONK HONK somebody things i'm popular or just doesn't like my driving at this point, ok, at the other branch office let me run in, jot my number down on the deposit slip and oh RING RING RING are you coming to the salon?, sign the checks, hand them to the teller,
teller: " do you have your id?"
nj: " are you kidding me? they never ask me for my id"
teller: "i'm sorry, i need to see an id."
nj: "fine, its in my car."
out to the car, drop my cell phone, kick it under the car, open the car, grab my wallet and then out of the corner of my eye i see my passport and get an idea. bitch, you want an id, let me show you this, i'm sure at your blooming age of 16 you have no clue what this is. swagger back into the bank flick the passport on the counter and watch with amusement as she ponders over this "odd looking document"
nj: "its a passport issued by the united states government, it is an id" i say with such satisfaction. she completes the transaction, wishes me a good day and i leave sit down in the car and all of a sudden i hear this voice
mysterious voice"nicholas, what the f@ck was that?" i realized the absurdity of my behavior in that situation. for my protection and because her job requires it, she asked for my id, not my kidney. for those of you who read the gambling dinner out story on 4/4/09, holy shit, i'm my father!
i'm grateful that i recognized it, see the ridiculousness in it and realize i'm human. i know, i will make a point to go to that branch the next time and apologize to her for that behavior.
nj
i'm leaving work (the glamorous world) of kell containter. (grateful for a paycheck) and as a result of scheduling errors, they needed to me to go to the salon to cover a few hours. I leave work and am taking care of some AA business ( i have the information phone for people to call) and am speaking with this gentlemen who is being "ordered" to attend a support group to get his liver transplant but he doesn't have a drinking problem, cars are honking at me, i forgot my sunglasses so i'm crying because the i'm squinting so hard, now my eyes are burning from the copious amounts of salt in my tears because i salt every food that enters my body, shit there goes the exit toward the bank i normally go to, HONK HONK HONK HONK somebody things i'm popular or just doesn't like my driving at this point, ok, at the other branch office let me run in, jot my number down on the deposit slip and oh RING RING RING are you coming to the salon?, sign the checks, hand them to the teller,
teller: " do you have your id?"
nj: " are you kidding me? they never ask me for my id"
teller: "i'm sorry, i need to see an id."
nj: "fine, its in my car."
out to the car, drop my cell phone, kick it under the car, open the car, grab my wallet and then out of the corner of my eye i see my passport and get an idea. bitch, you want an id, let me show you this, i'm sure at your blooming age of 16 you have no clue what this is. swagger back into the bank flick the passport on the counter and watch with amusement as she ponders over this "odd looking document"
nj: "its a passport issued by the united states government, it is an id" i say with such satisfaction. she completes the transaction, wishes me a good day and i leave sit down in the car and all of a sudden i hear this voice
mysterious voice"nicholas, what the f@ck was that?" i realized the absurdity of my behavior in that situation. for my protection and because her job requires it, she asked for my id, not my kidney. for those of you who read the gambling dinner out story on 4/4/09, holy shit, i'm my father!
i'm grateful that i recognized it, see the ridiculousness in it and realize i'm human. i know, i will make a point to go to that branch the next time and apologize to her for that behavior.
nj
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
boyle on humanity. 4/21/09
ok, enough already of the boyle lady from england. is it not like a circus in town? so an unattractive lady can sing. this is nothing new, it has happened before, i won't name names! she does however, have a striking resemblence to a movie star.
i have to say today was a great day. had a nice conversation with my friend tony over coffee. that was followed by dinner with great friends and finished with some wonderful words of wisdom from my sponsor as we work on step 4.
i'm learning so much about myself on this journey. being an alcoholic was never really about drinking. absoluty amazing!
nj
Sunday, April 19, 2009
step 4 and rock bottom 4/19/09
hi all,
hope you had a great weekend. the latter part of last week was great for me. 2 days of golf, great weekend with friends. it was quite perfect.
i am beginning work on my step 4 and and then tomorrow, lol, i will begin to put the pen to the paper. i was struggling with wrapping my brain around some abstract ideas and was given some great guidance by a friend of mine. i will keep you informed.
dad's birthday, 62. it is really quite strange for me to have both my parents be in their 60's. seems so old, yet so young. i always equated 60's with old people, now to have them there is surreal to me. too bad my dad was under the weather today. made it difficult for him to enjoy the day i'm sure.
my brother had a lil run in with the po po and not sure if lucky for him or unlucky didn't get a dui. each person has their own standard of rock bottom and if we as alcoholics could step out of ourselves and see what our lives have become i think it would happen sooner, i certainly know those around me had to think, "what the hell?" who lives like that. like i can see with my brother, 3 marriages, 3 divorces, a defunct relationship with his daughter and typically one common denominator, alcohol. but, we each have to hit our bottom on our own. it is usually a solo trip and don't always know when we arrive.
nj
hope you had a great weekend. the latter part of last week was great for me. 2 days of golf, great weekend with friends. it was quite perfect.
i am beginning work on my step 4 and and then tomorrow, lol, i will begin to put the pen to the paper. i was struggling with wrapping my brain around some abstract ideas and was given some great guidance by a friend of mine. i will keep you informed.
dad's birthday, 62. it is really quite strange for me to have both my parents be in their 60's. seems so old, yet so young. i always equated 60's with old people, now to have them there is surreal to me. too bad my dad was under the weather today. made it difficult for him to enjoy the day i'm sure.
my brother had a lil run in with the po po and not sure if lucky for him or unlucky didn't get a dui. each person has their own standard of rock bottom and if we as alcoholics could step out of ourselves and see what our lives have become i think it would happen sooner, i certainly know those around me had to think, "what the hell?" who lives like that. like i can see with my brother, 3 marriages, 3 divorces, a defunct relationship with his daughter and typically one common denominator, alcohol. but, we each have to hit our bottom on our own. it is usually a solo trip and don't always know when we arrive.
nj
Thursday, April 16, 2009
happiness, 4/16/09
hi all!
sorry i've been gone for few days. sometimes you just need to step back and take a breath and try to find a harmonious balance in life's activities.
the endorphins are hi, the weather has been absolutely beautiful and played a great round of golf today at wild ridge golf course. fantastic.
the serenity that has come into my life and the friendships that have been formed are truly amazing. i miss my girls though, charlotte, laura, irene, jane-o. these were with me in the darkest hours, and are still with me today. they have at times been on the roller coaster with me and at times, new it was too fucked up of a ride to stay on, so got off and let me take the journey i needed to be on to get to where i am today.
i can't imagine what the rest of my life will be like if the past 2 months have been this incredible. who knew that "living" could feel this good. wow, just amazing. i have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is real.
some announcements hopefully coming up after this weekend. some changes i'm looking forward to, but don't want to jinx so just wish me luck.
nj
sorry i've been gone for few days. sometimes you just need to step back and take a breath and try to find a harmonious balance in life's activities.
the endorphins are hi, the weather has been absolutely beautiful and played a great round of golf today at wild ridge golf course. fantastic.
the serenity that has come into my life and the friendships that have been formed are truly amazing. i miss my girls though, charlotte, laura, irene, jane-o. these were with me in the darkest hours, and are still with me today. they have at times been on the roller coaster with me and at times, new it was too fucked up of a ride to stay on, so got off and let me take the journey i needed to be on to get to where i am today.
i can't imagine what the rest of my life will be like if the past 2 months have been this incredible. who knew that "living" could feel this good. wow, just amazing. i have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure it is real.
some announcements hopefully coming up after this weekend. some changes i'm looking forward to, but don't want to jinx so just wish me luck.
nj
Monday, April 13, 2009
clarity. 4/13/09
when purchasing diamonds, am important deciding factor, is the clarity. there can be many levels of clarity and the "clearer" the diamond is, the better.
life is much the same way. things weighing heavily on our mind or situations that perplex us, make us doubt become much better when we allow ourselves to see them clearly. the trick is, how do we get to the point to see it clearly? start by trusting what we know. trust what we truly feel, not what we want to feel. trust what our life's tools tell us. trust the opinions and wisdom of our closest allies.
we often don't see the clarity because we are too close to the situation. if we take a step back and look at it, like a row of diamonds, clarity becomes sparkling obvious.
nj
life is much the same way. things weighing heavily on our mind or situations that perplex us, make us doubt become much better when we allow ourselves to see them clearly. the trick is, how do we get to the point to see it clearly? start by trusting what we know. trust what we truly feel, not what we want to feel. trust what our life's tools tell us. trust the opinions and wisdom of our closest allies.
we often don't see the clarity because we are too close to the situation. if we take a step back and look at it, like a row of diamonds, clarity becomes sparkling obvious.
nj
Sunday, April 12, 2009
i feel whole. 4/12/09
the weekend has come to an end. the easter holiday is over. i think over the weekend, i have consumed 15,000 calories. I must go to the gym this week!
what a weekend it was, we filmed a pilot episode (well, only in our heads) of a new sitcom, 2 fags and a hag! i have not laughed as hard as i did with two of my friends on saturday afternoon. it is great to have friendships with such humor, honesty, and respect.
saturday night was filled with great fellowship of a great line of sponsor/sponsees and i am grateful to be a part of that. the combined strength and spirituality of this group will be a strong ally in my continued recovery!
felt great to talk to my auntie in arizona. she is on a great spiritual path that i can hear growing in her voice each time i talk with her, she is an incredible woman. there was a time in the not too far past that we had some bumpy spots but i'm so glad we have your "chats" back.
job world continues to evolve and present some limited opportunities so i will keep you all posted.
i have started watching the television show "nip/tuck". i can't wait to get through season 1 and on to the others!
nj
what a weekend it was, we filmed a pilot episode (well, only in our heads) of a new sitcom, 2 fags and a hag! i have not laughed as hard as i did with two of my friends on saturday afternoon. it is great to have friendships with such humor, honesty, and respect.
saturday night was filled with great fellowship of a great line of sponsor/sponsees and i am grateful to be a part of that. the combined strength and spirituality of this group will be a strong ally in my continued recovery!
felt great to talk to my auntie in arizona. she is on a great spiritual path that i can hear growing in her voice each time i talk with her, she is an incredible woman. there was a time in the not too far past that we had some bumpy spots but i'm so glad we have your "chats" back.
job world continues to evolve and present some limited opportunities so i will keep you all posted.
i have started watching the television show "nip/tuck". i can't wait to get through season 1 and on to the others!
nj
Friday, April 10, 2009
agree to disagree 4/10/09
easter weekend is here and i think spring has sprung for the season in the midwest. so tonight i had a highly interesting, thought-provoking conversation with a friend of mine regarding, religion, recovery, and the 7 dwarfs.
ok, just kidding about the lil people but, for the first time, i was able to dialogue about something and not agree with the other person but i feel, be respectful and understanding of their viewpoint. in the past, i would always put up the defense wall and start firing back with my ammo and one try to prove them wrong, insult them and not listen to what they were saying.
i think if we could learn to accept differences, respect them and communicate, we could move forward on so many issues.
strangest them is happening, i have more to type my but forearm is cramping up and really hurts. so. signing off all.
nj
ok, just kidding about the lil people but, for the first time, i was able to dialogue about something and not agree with the other person but i feel, be respectful and understanding of their viewpoint. in the past, i would always put up the defense wall and start firing back with my ammo and one try to prove them wrong, insult them and not listen to what they were saying.
i think if we could learn to accept differences, respect them and communicate, we could move forward on so many issues.
strangest them is happening, i have more to type my but forearm is cramping up and really hurts. so. signing off all.
nj
Thursday, April 9, 2009
senseless and preventable. 04/09/2009
easter is almost here? and i'm still wondering how the religious inferences made their way to a bunny, basket, eggs, and chocolate? the joy of organized religion!
hopefully i hear back about this prospective job tomorrow, i hope it works out, but if not, i know that it is not meant to be.
how senseless and sad was the horrible death of the major league baseball pitcher who died as a result of a drunk driver. i can't imagine the shame i would feel if i would have been responsible for something like that. god knows i certainly put myself in the situation with irresponsible decision making in the past.
i think all of us who are fortunate enough to have driven drunk and not caused harm to do everything, everything we can to prevent as much as we can in the future.
it doesn't have to happen.
tiger had a solid showing today at the masters. excited to watch him the next few days. 2 great new shows on NBC tonight, parks & rec and southland was amazing!!!
nj
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
golfing and sex 4/8/09
oh my oh my. what a natural rush, an immediate high, euphoria! i went to golfing today!! i was speaking with my friend darren (shout out!) and the sad pathetic truth is that for me, golf is my like sex. let me explain.......
i was all excited, eager with anticipation. i was excited to play with my club and balls! but like most times, i had no one to play with so it would be an afternoon by myself, or they might partner me up with a complete stranger, which is always awkward, and at the end is it as good as we hoped it would be? LOL
well, with golf it is better than i thought it would be and lasted 4 hours.......2 things that never happened in the sex life!
so i thought that was funny. hope you did too! anyway, it was a blast to get out there. a summer time pic below.
i was all excited, eager with anticipation. i was excited to play with my club and balls! but like most times, i had no one to play with so it would be an afternoon by myself, or they might partner me up with a complete stranger, which is always awkward, and at the end is it as good as we hoped it would be? LOL
well, with golf it is better than i thought it would be and lasted 4 hours.......2 things that never happened in the sex life!
so i thought that was funny. hope you did too! anyway, it was a blast to get out there. a summer time pic below.
so. lets see. returned to my one of favorite groups tonight and had a great meeting filled with such great energy. really loving the new life!
peace, nj
Monday, April 6, 2009
interview, 4/6/9
had interview today and every fiber of my being said it went really well.......god i hope so. i need something that stimulates my soul. it would be an honor to give my glamorous position with gnc via manpower up to another deserving soul. i am thankful however, to be working.
the wind here today was ridiculous, am really quite ready for spring to sprung. feeling really upbeat and optimistic for the start of this week!
how sad, the earthquake in central italy. the devastation, tragedy, and chaos. thoughts are certainly with all of them over there. what a nightmare..........on mainstreet in many american cities. something must be done about the out of control violence occurring what seems like nearly on a daily basis.
tougher gun restrictions must be enacted!!! contact your elected officials!
update! going to see LISA LAMPANELLI (http://www.insultcomic.com/) on may 2nd at the
orpheum theater in mpls! very excited. going to watch some brothers & sisters.
ny peace
Sunday, April 5, 2009
snow, carrie, and the osbournes! 4/5/09
other than the irritating snow deliver this morning what a fantastic weekend. looking forward to a great week. seems to be lots of exciting things planned and i think i may just stop at a bowling alley and bowl a couple of games to keep my professional form!
my dear friend charlotte is on her way to (or there by now) to el salvadore i think, or ecuador? she's going through a door. on her way to travelled with sharon and kelly osborne while on a layover in miami. they were kind enough to ask her how i was doing! isn't that crazy. apparently they follow the blog too! tell your friends, have them join the phenomenon!
very happy for carrie underwood. 1st female to win country musics entertainer of the year since 2000! society has a long way to go my friends! i'm also wondering how the hell she got into that dress and how many yards of fabric were involved!
certainly stunningly beautiful!
hope you all have a great start to the week!
nj peace!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
no whammy, big money! 4/4/09
welllllllll hellooooooo my friends!!! happy saturday/sunday depending on your time zone, hemisphere, and continent! this blog is followed WORLD WIDE!! thanks for the support and words of encouragement.
a new revelation today!!!!! your odds of winning money at the casino greatly increase if you ARE NOT DRUNK! i plopped down $40 on the roulettarooni wheel and walked away with $125! not bad for 2 hours work! take that manpower!
i think my mom enjoyed, we were there for her birthday weekend. the fun then began as we stopped in the town of barron, wi (http://www.barronchamber.com/) for a bite to eat on the way home.
after much deliberation upon leaving the glamour turtle lake casino (http://www.stcroixcasino.com/) i made the decision and said east we go down the scenic?? hwy 8!
just down the road from the jenni-o turkey plant (should have just eaten there) was this quaint lil truck stop. i've have some meals at truck stops before, wink wink, but not quite like this.
julie&daves's truck stop (http://www.julieanddaves.com/contact.html) having worked in the biz for a few years, all be it most of it intoxicated, i do know that the only 2 people you do not leave in charge and the only 2 there are a 17 year-old waitress and a 16 year-old cook who has only been on the job for 4 hours!
needless to say there was kitchen chaos and the food took forever and when the 2 tables who arrived after us got their food, my father popped his lid at poor lil waitress girl who at this point was so rattled her fake eyelashes were dropping so far i thought she needed to wax her upper lip! poor thing.
i tried to calm my father down by telling him that he was acting as if he had just found out that they would have to use his left nut in one of the recipes. CALM DOWN!!!! its just food, right? he could use some help from the serenity prayer. "god, give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference!"
screaming, yelling, being near cardiac arrest behavior doesn't make the food come any quicker!
in the irony, we nearly had a nice fillet of venison tenderloin on the way home and that would have been immediately grilled!
nj
a new revelation today!!!!! your odds of winning money at the casino greatly increase if you ARE NOT DRUNK! i plopped down $40 on the roulettarooni wheel and walked away with $125! not bad for 2 hours work! take that manpower!
i think my mom enjoyed, we were there for her birthday weekend. the fun then began as we stopped in the town of barron, wi (http://www.barronchamber.com/) for a bite to eat on the way home.
after much deliberation upon leaving the glamour turtle lake casino (http://www.stcroixcasino.com/) i made the decision and said east we go down the scenic?? hwy 8!
just down the road from the jenni-o turkey plant (should have just eaten there) was this quaint lil truck stop. i've have some meals at truck stops before, wink wink, but not quite like this.
julie&daves's truck stop (http://www.julieanddaves.com/contact.html) having worked in the biz for a few years, all be it most of it intoxicated, i do know that the only 2 people you do not leave in charge and the only 2 there are a 17 year-old waitress and a 16 year-old cook who has only been on the job for 4 hours!
needless to say there was kitchen chaos and the food took forever and when the 2 tables who arrived after us got their food, my father popped his lid at poor lil waitress girl who at this point was so rattled her fake eyelashes were dropping so far i thought she needed to wax her upper lip! poor thing.
i tried to calm my father down by telling him that he was acting as if he had just found out that they would have to use his left nut in one of the recipes. CALM DOWN!!!! its just food, right? he could use some help from the serenity prayer. "god, give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference!"
screaming, yelling, being near cardiac arrest behavior doesn't make the food come any quicker!
in the irony, we nearly had a nice fillet of venison tenderloin on the way home and that would have been immediately grilled!
nj
Friday, April 3, 2009
sicky no more! 4/3/09
wow, what a difference! i'm back everyone! i feel like star jones after a "medical intervention"! a whole new person! that was a nasty bout of "wft" but that keeps us humble i suppose!
i must begin by stating what an incredible touching and moving story my friend renee "nee nee" told this evening. i'm proud to call her a friend. to everyone that has come into my life the past 2 months, wow. i think as all of us feel, to be as blessed as we are today, we would not trade any of the hardships we have faced in the past!
i had interview 1 of 2 today. i think it went ago not disappointed or optimistic. if it is meant to be, then it will be. monday's interview i have a lil' more hope for, it is a "salaried" job with benefits and shit. things like grown-up do i guess!
if anyone out there wonders what alcohol and drugs can do to you, just tune into comedy central's roast of larry the cable guy and watch gary busey! oh my god. what a hot mess. hope is is seeking help!
hope the sunshine continues to dry up the golf courses so i can get on the links! hope you all have a swell weekend!
nj
i must begin by stating what an incredible touching and moving story my friend renee "nee nee" told this evening. i'm proud to call her a friend. to everyone that has come into my life the past 2 months, wow. i think as all of us feel, to be as blessed as we are today, we would not trade any of the hardships we have faced in the past!
i had interview 1 of 2 today. i think it went ago not disappointed or optimistic. if it is meant to be, then it will be. monday's interview i have a lil' more hope for, it is a "salaried" job with benefits and shit. things like grown-up do i guess!
if anyone out there wonders what alcohol and drugs can do to you, just tune into comedy central's roast of larry the cable guy and watch gary busey! oh my god. what a hot mess. hope is is seeking help!
hope the sunshine continues to dry up the golf courses so i can get on the links! hope you all have a swell weekend!
nj
back from death's door 4/3/09
wow, what a few days it has been. was feeling great on wednesday, left job 1, and mid-way through job 2 started to go downhill. by midnight was spent. i think i slept 30 of the past 36 hours and am feeling like i'm on the upswing. thank god, don't think i could have gone through much more of that.
interestingly enough, the last few times i felt like that was usually when my body was detoxing. i could during those times though be mad at myself and be like this will end soon and i will never drink again, i had no one to blame this time.
i can't believe i use to put myself through that on a regular basis. never again! the 2 months of sobriety are truly such an amazing feeling. completely awesome.
have a job interview today for pt night job. hopefully goes well! i could definitely use the extra money!
tomorrow is the final class for my dui! yippeee, exciting feeling! then going to the casino with my mom to celebrate her 60th birthday! she is on day 2 of not smoking, i hope that goes well fro her.
nj
interestingly enough, the last few times i felt like that was usually when my body was detoxing. i could during those times though be mad at myself and be like this will end soon and i will never drink again, i had no one to blame this time.
i can't believe i use to put myself through that on a regular basis. never again! the 2 months of sobriety are truly such an amazing feeling. completely awesome.
have a job interview today for pt night job. hopefully goes well! i could definitely use the extra money!
tomorrow is the final class for my dui! yippeee, exciting feeling! then going to the casino with my mom to celebrate her 60th birthday! she is on day 2 of not smoking, i hope that goes well fro her.
nj
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
sick as a dog, ain't no fool! 4/1/09
hi, all. sorry haven't posted, been sick as a dog. weather here is horrible and just trying to rest. i will be back soon with a lot to say!! just wanted to say, 2 months ago today was my 1st day or recovery and that feels awesome.
nj
nj
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